xx WHAT'S ON THIS PAGE NAVIGATION BOX DIARY: The Coffeehouse Creeper (My Cup Runneth Over; Creep Comes Sleeping; Four Words & a Piece of Plastic; Children of a Lesser Guide; Too Much Monkey Business | OLD NEWS: Journalists are People, Too ADS: La Canna; Dampkring | FEATURE: Let the Good Times Roll (Continued) | Go To Contents | Go To Next Page (Page 6) xx READ THIS STORY IN PRINTABLE PLAIN TEXT "If you can't remember who you are, you must be doing something right," somebody says . And I slipped into a dream. MMTOP OF PAGAGEMy Cup Runneth Over IT IS carnival time. Hot on the heels of Diwali comes our own festival of lights (northern). Yes, the Cannabis Cup is here again. And this year's Mardi Grass looks like being one of the most exciting ever. For me, anyway. Despite my reputation as a compulsively obsessive smoker (or, perhaps, because of it) I have been asked by a charitable and kindly coffeeshop (God bless you, Sir) to assess some of the entries in the grass section of the competition. I have the full testing kit --- lips, lungs, microscope, genetic string encoder, particle accelerator, that sort of thing. But for all the high-tech stuff, it is at a more basic level that the testing takes place. You look, you smell, you feel, you smoke. Easy peasy. I can do that. I have all the equipment required built-in. Then, everyone tells me, comes the hard part --- you have to assess the high. But, honestly, it isn't that difficult. I always assess the high I get when I smoke a new kind of grass. Not in quantitative terms but in terms of quality. As a person who had been smoking for over 35 years, I think of myself as being a smoker who uses dope rather than is used by it. I rarely smoke joints of just one kind of dope. My stash box always contains at least three different grasses and, maybe, as many kinds of hash and I vary what I smoke throughout the day according to the kind of high I want. As well as the fairly inoffensive grass which is my staple smoke, I have a good orange bud for the depth and richness of the high and a first rate sattiva for the creative, front-of-house effect that I need when I am being, well, creative. I play these off against a few daily hash joints --- a temple ball or charas joint is great just before meditating, a maroc joint smoothes out kinks in the creative process and a cheap but excellent border Afghani gives even the most 'bopping' grass high a depth and stability that stops it flying out of court. Getting blasted is all very well but it is not an end in itself. Everyone who gets stoned does so because they enjoy the effects of being stoned. But ask anyone what those effects are and they will probably be too stoned to tell you. I believe that smoking is about enhancing your life but for that to happen you need a life to enhance. Smoking should, therefore, help you to do the things you need to do rather than stop you doing them. Creep Comes SleepingTOP OF PAGTOP OF PAGE FOR SOME time I have been concerned by the rumours regarding cannabis use and reduced sperm counts. As I have no other pets I am particularly fond of my spermatozoa. I might not use them for much but they are mine. I have few obsessions that are not combustible but this was becoming ridiculous. I am, however, cured. Falling asleep over my keyboard after a particularly hard day sitting in coffeeshops I have a strange dream. In my dream I am trying to refute the suggestion that smoking dope reduces your sperm count. As I finish intricately counting each of my spermatozoa using a pair of tweezers I declare that I can find no deficiency ("more than enough to go round," is what I say). I notice that the spermatozoa all look rather like Woody Allen. Spooky. TOP OF PAGEP OF PFour Words & a Piece of Plastic AS I amble back towards my favourite haunts, I feel old. 'Hip, hippy, hip replacement', it says on the front page. It could, I think, almost be my autobiography. Four words and a piece of plastic. It's depressing. I mean: 'hippy'! It was not always thus. Long ago and far away when 'hip' meant something, I wanted it. You won't remember those days, children. Soho nights and so-so days. Living in the shadow of our shades drinking long-term cappuccino with Parker, Mingus and Monk rootie tootin' and rinky dinkin' in the background . . . . Cellar jazz clubs, perspiring. Shades and cool. Very cool. Beatniks (what they?) donkey jacketed or PVCed, suitably sallow and slightly musky to taste . . . . Then the rich, fruity, taste of Leb and we were in excess heaven. It all felt so good, to be there on the very edge of moral decline. Innocent days and decadent nights. But Soho nights are not usually followed by Ho-Ho days. NOTHING SUCCEEDS like excess. Oscar Wilde said something like that but I did it. It was so very easy to just slip over the edge and into the abyss. Soon you find yourself trading in your CND badge for a bell, a string of beads, a clump of joss sticks and a rather interesting slightly- used looking sugar cube. And when the spaceship landed, we were in Kathmandu. Or was it Golden Gate Park? Or the Ally Pally? Or drowning in the rumpled sheets of tiny Tina's giant bed? You close your eyes as a callow youth and wake up in another age, middle age. AT THAT stage one starts to worry not about being hip but having hips at all. It is time to retire to Heaven. As I arrive at Katsu and am enveloped by the warm familiar air, I remember, gratefully, that I am in Heaven and that Heaven is in Amsterdam. Children of a Lesser Guide AGTOP OF PAGE THE MOST realistic Cannabis Cup guide to Amsterdam has been put on the web by cannabis-cafe, de Kuil. Its realism lies in the fact that it is totally without value as a guide to the city but gives you something short to read when you're stoned and having attention span problems. Containing such helpful hints as: 'The telephone booths with the red lighting and the discreet drapes do not contain working telephones' and 'Please ask for credit as refusal often offends (and the Dutch like that)', the guide is the brainchild of de Kuil's owner, Michael Veling. "The Cup," says, Mr Veling, "is about fun and so is our guide. But," he continues with a sinister grin, "like many coffeeshops we like to be seen to provide a public service which is, of course, the only reason we are in business." The new-on-the-web site that features the cheeky survival guide is clearly there just for laughs. Dedicated 'to overindulgence, decadence and self-abuse', the site's home page bears the motto: 'Nothing exceeds like excess and the claim: 'As seen by Bill Clinton -- he logged-on but didn't look.' The guide itself has sections covering the city itself ('Visit the Van Gogh Museum and marvel at the paintings he did with only one ear. Think what he could have done with brushes'), on dealing with the Dutch, on coffeeshop etiquette ('Steal a lighter') and on driving in Amsterdam ('It is a sign of high intelligence to take your Mercedes or BMW into the Red Light district on a Thurs- day, Friday or Saturday night'). Specially prepared for the Cannabis Cup, the guide "will be revised and expanded after the cup to provide web surfers with a fun site that isn't masquerading as something else and isn't trying to sell something to them," says Mr Veling. The site was produced for de Kuil by the Coffeehouse Culture production team (sorry about this 'plug' but the editor insisted) and features the Coffeehouse Culture Seal of Approval, a metallic stamp featuring a picture of a cuddly baby seal. TOP OF PAGE TToo Much Monkey Business To say that Coffeehouse Culture was surprised by Greenhouse's involvement in the Cannabis Cup vote rigging scam would be a lie. We have had personal experience of Arjan Roskam's lack of business ethics. In a city and a culture where honesty runs at a high level, Greenhouse proved to be a glaring exception when it came to paying for their half page ad in this publication. They still owe us over fl. 2000. xx Journalists Are People, Too READ THIS STORY IN PRINTABLE PLAIN TEXT For the cannabis culture in the UK this may yet be seen as the pivotal year. Things have happ- ened and have happened fast -- too fast for Coffeehouse Culture to keep up. The year got off to a splendid start when London Times writer, Mary Ann Sieghart, told the full truth about cannabis. In a down- to-earth article headed 'Hard Laws Lead to Hard Drugs', Ms Sieghart said Times writer, Mary Ann Sieghart that cannabis is 'no addictive life-wrecker' but that its illegality does lead to heroin use. ForHanging her story on a state- ment by Tory Leader, William Haig, saying that he saw canna- bis 'wrecking the lives' of many of his contemporaries at Oxford, Ms Sieghart said: 'It is the sort of assertion that you tend to accept unless you know otherwise. 'And, according to her own account, she does know other- wise. At the same university, in the same year and studying the same subject as Mr Haig, Mary Ann (bless her) makes no bones about the truth. 'Most of the people I knew at that time smoked cannabis,' she says. 'None of their lives has been wrecked by the drug. Indeed, every single one of those friends has since prospered.' After listing the accomplish- ments of her friends, Ms Sieghart goes on to say that about half of them still smoke. ForExploring the subject as every cannabis smoker would wish, the Times story high- lighted the legal disparity between cannabis and alcohol, the nature of addictive person- alities and the social climate in which users encounter less harmless substances. ForOn the question of whether 'soft drugs lead to hard drugs', Ms Sieghart said: 'At Oxford, there were indeed other drugs around: speed, LSD, magic mushrooms, cocaine . . . .' She cannot, however, remember anyone having a serious problem with them. ForThe 'problems' started in the third year. Until then drug-taking had 'seemed a pretty harmless occupation. It livened up people's evenings and week- ends, but did not affect their work.' Then friends started to use heroin. ForLeaving her readers in no doubt about her attitude towards smack, Mary Ann says: 'Heroin is a really dangerous drug . . . . that undoubtedly wrecks lives.' ForShe concedes, however, that apart from one death through overdose, all those who used the drug 'now lead perfectly successful lives.' ForIn the key paragraph of her article, Ms Sieghart points at the illegal status of cannabis as being the culprit responsible for access to heroin. 'The only reason why some of my friends encountered it,' she says, 'was because they had to go to an underworld dealer to buy their relatively harmless cannabis. ForLaying the truth on the line, she says: 'If anything acts as a gateway to dangerous drugs, it is the illegal status of pot.' ForThis illegality creates a distorted image of drug-takers for most people because they encounter only the casualties . . . those who smoke cannabis in moderation and lead unwrecked lives are reluctant to advertise the fact because the law has criminalised them.' ForThe only negative note in her otherwise flagrantly positive piece comes at the end. In pointing out that if Mr Haig had moved in different circles at Oxford, he would have found that pot smokers are 'just normal, respectable and well-adjusted members of society, just like him,' Ms Sieghart goes with the assumption that smok- ing dope is not respectable whereas being a politician is. What can we say? ForMary Ann Sieghart article does not represent a new attitude in The Times to decriminalisation. As long ago as 1967 The Times defined its position when it carried the famed (and in many households, framed) full page advertisement signed by many leading intellectuals, artists and freaks of the day demanding a more reasonable attitude to cannabis. ForThe Times no longer stands alone. These days all three of the most influential daily newspapers are in favour of decriminalisation in some form. ForTOP OF PAGE PICTURE CAPTION: Any drug that makes you so uninhibited that you show your chest to the docker when he is giving you a flu jab clearly should be banned dumped with another fine mess. As we all know, cannabis is a hideous social evil that corrupts and destroys the youth of the world. But put it alongside rape, mugging, child molestation and all the other evils in society and it seems somewhat less of a priority. ALMeanwhile the growers become more skilful and the shops become more confident. And the grass becomes more plentiful. Roll Britannia, we say, and continue to roll until you are the waves. ALTOP OF PAGE xx xx xx xx RRoll Britannia Part One (Continued) xx LET THE GOOD TIMES ROLL Continued from previous page READ THIS STORY IN PRINTABLE PLAIN TEXT erstwhile amateur growers jumped at the opportunity to fill that gap. Dusty copies of Rosenthal and Franks were dug out from the backs of book shelves. Lofts, attics, basements, cellars, spare rooms and cupboards were converted into growing areas. Aeroplane tickets were purchased and hotels booked. Looking for inspiration, up to date information and seeds, the soon-to-be growers headed east. ALOne of the most crucial factors in this singular piece of initiative was access to seeds. Somehow or other it made a hell of a difference knowing that the seeds one bought were virtually guaranteed to produce grass 'as smoked in Amsterdam.' By the time they made the trip, many of those fledgling growers had already discovered that seeds were available in their homeland. They had probably tussled with the problem of how they might bring back lights without attracting interest and come to the conclusion that it was difficult verging on impossible. Domestic sources of supply were necessary and not too hard to find. Getting the seeds from Amsterdam, how- ever, was both a pleasure and an inspiration. ALAlthough it was only a few years ago, grow shops in the UK were a rarity. But there must have been some people producing grass in the Amsterdam style because there were one or two and the best known and oldest established made enough money to advertise their products. If you knew where to look, the ads were explicit enough (although they have since become much more explicit). There could be little doubt about who the grow shops served and their customers were certainly not lettuce growers. Indeed, Sunlight Systems, one of the longest established, produced and still produces an illustrated seed catalogue. xx They used to describe the seeds as fishbait which is the only use for which hemp seeds are legal in the UK. In recent catalogues, however, such empty subterfuge has been dropped in favour of a screaming reminder that the seeds in the catalogue are 'For legal purposes only and must not be grown.' The information about each seed type (such as its flowering period) is there, we are told: 'For those interested in how the seeds were produced.' And the colour photographs of the bloated, dripping sinsemilla buds are merely to show what happens if you don't have that crucial male plant in your fishbait crop? ALIt all seemed so outrageously blatant. But a legal loophole is a legal loophole and the best thing to be done with it is to try to jump through it. Now it is even more blatant. A recent Sunlight Systems ad in Viz magazine made no bones about it. 'Grow Your Own Pot,' it said. ALCompared with the sophistication of the highly specialised products sold by the Amsterdam grow shops, those in England left much to be desired. While they could come up with everything for the hydroponics grower, the bio grower was pretty much on his own. Certainly so far as fertilisers were concerned. For those growers concerned about quality as well as quantity, there was a year of experimentation before many of them got their crops right. But the gap was filled by more than adequate hypdroponic grass. ALEventually the bio growers made it and today are producing grass of a standard that approaches Amsterdam quality. ALThings, of course, have eased up slightly over the last year or two. The grass growing market has become one of the UK's most remarkable but -- funny that -- unremarked growth industries. Grow shops have proliferated. And slowly but surely specialised grass fertilisers have made their way into the UK. ALThe effects of the creation of a UK domestic growing industry, under the misdirected auspices of the Customs & Excise, have been and will continue to be profound. In removing the emphasis of cannabis control away from national entry points into the community, the Police Force have been ALNEXT COLUMN xx Yes, we keep on rolling along ALL WILL BE REVEALED In the next thrilling instalment we look in depth at what's been did and what's been hid. In conversation with growers who were among the first wave to bring Amsterdam grass to the UK, we will experience the trials and tribulations of their early experiments and enjoy the triumphs of their hard-earned successes. Yes, folks, all human life is there. Don't miss it. In the final instalment, we will be looking at the law and those who enforce it and giving them the fullest credit for everything they have done for UK dope smokers. 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