PAGE EIGHTEEN; ARTICLE ONE; FEATURE

SCORPIO
Ouch! We feel your sting, seductive Scorpio. One of the three bong signs and governed by the ruler of sexual organs .... As water and genitals have been responsible for some of the most entertaining water sports ever invented, be careful not to get any of your private parts stuck in your water pipe. That would be fun explaining to emergency room doctors. Scorpions are ruled by Pluto, one of the Disney Gods, and Mars, not Uranus, as one might mistakenly guess. Your suggested leisure activity this month is building your own erotic bong, but since your sign dictates over genitals, do you even need suggestions for leisure? Maroon and red are favourable Scorpion colours; smoking orange bud would be good but red widow bud would be highly ... high? Happy Birthday to all you Scorpions — especially dishy Leo diCaprio — and remember on your birthday, if you are not wasted , the day is. Scorpio rules the city of Fez, Morocco, so maybe you are scheduled for a hat or hash hunting holiday.

SAGITTARIUS

Sagittarius, a lightersign (there is no match for you), is traditionally associated with hips and thighs - a good place to lay your joint rolling tray. Archers are ruled by Jupiter, the biggest planet, which means you should be rolling giant blunts, not mere joints. An archer is half animal and half human, but that doesn’t affect your capability for getting stoned; ask my cat. You also have a great need for breathing room; avoid hotboxing it and remember you cannot light a joint from a microwave. Your suggested leisure activity this month is metalwork with fire — time to turn your tin foil collection into a pipe? Rich purples and dark blues are Sagittarian colours; smoking purple haze bud should get round your brain. For those of you with an ecclesiastical bent (and, by the way, did you know that your sign is the one most likely to be bisexual?), Sagittarius rules the city of Rome. Could it be that the Pope really does smoke dope.?

CAPRICORN

Capricorn, a skins sign, is ruled by Saturn, which makes you yearn to do the right thing always. Therefore, you will not be accused of mixing seeds with what you smoke or holding on to the joint too long. You are a smoker’s smoker. And, maybe, a joker and midnight toker as well. Your suggested leisure activity for November is listening to Steve Miller while stoned --- nothing new there, then. Dark green is one of your favourite colours; what a coincidence, ours too! As in bud, that is! You horny goats are masters of the hemp plant. Where would the textile world be without you? Most likely in polyester hell. As goat shit is the very BEST thing to put on hemp plants; it looks like you Capricorns can do no wrong --- even your waste isn’t!

AQUARIUS

Aquarius, we entered your aquatic ambient age as of May 21, 1998, so we hail you, oh great water bearers for our hubble bubbles! You are a smoke sign ruled by Uranus, which everyone else seems to be kissing. But, then, you are a glamorous sign. When it comes to pipes, you are a discerning user, it is high class glass for you and never plastic or metal. Your suggested leisure activity for this month is irrelevant, since you will do something different anyway. But you love travel; may we suggest a tantalising trip in your own mind, over which you have full dominion. Your gemstone is the turquoise -- rather ordinary, wouldn’t you say? No? I would! And your metal is aluminium. Well, there you go. However, candy bars come wrapped in something resembling your metal, and we all get the munchies, don’t we?

PISCES

Pisces, the fabulous free fish, is cosily comfortable in bowls. Packing and smoking bowls are frequent activities for this scaly bong sign. Naughty Neptune keeps Pisceans on weekends but shares custody with jubilant Jupiter, who governs the feet. So, you won’t have a problem walking a mile for that special baggie. You are the most addictive personality in the Zodiac, but the monkey on your back probably already clued you in to that. We do not need to suggest a leisure activity for the month since spanking that mischievous monkey regularly requires a lot of energy, but the buzz is that beekeeping would be enjoyable. Honey is excellent for preparing magic mushrooms, or for dipping your lover in. Mmmm!

ARIES

Aries is the sign that marks the beginning of the astrological year and your animal is the ravishing robust ram. You are a matches sign, which comes in handy for lighting joints. Keep in mind that all the signs are conducive to smoking - water and earth for growing cannabis, air for inhaling and fire for lighting. Alluring Aries’ planet, Mars, is the God of War; so will it be blue or orange Rizla? That is the question! Your suggested leisure activity this month is to make love, not war; drop acid, not bombs. And visit Christiania in Denmark, a country you rule. You are known for your adventurous, energetic spirit; you’re the tantalising type to live on the edge and smoke both marijuana and hash in the same joint! The French call that a “Royale” -- it’s not surprising anarchic Aries governs that country as well.

TAURUS

You, tremendous Taurus, a papers sign , are ruled by vivacious Venus, the Goddess of Love. You love to inhale in the comfort of your own couch, which you hate to leave. Stability is what you crave, and 420 bonds do make that THC molecule quite stable, actually. That’s no bull, although you are. Bubbly Bulls rule Chicago; just ask Michael Jordan. Brave Bulls run the streets of Pamplona as well. Your suggested leisure activity this month is to quit being so stubborn, which you will promptly ignore. Your flower is the peculiar poppy, but there’s no hero in smoking that. Terrific Taureans make excellent wine since grapes are on your stomping grounds. Copper is the metal that you work with best - perfect for all sorts of smoking paraphernalia.

GEMINI

The gregarious Gemini twins are smoke signs ruled by mischievous Mercury. You advocate the belief that two hits (of anything appealing) are always better than one. Parrots, birds that repeat everything, are gentle Gemini animals. Parrots, birds that repeat everything, are gentle Gemini animals. Redundancy inhales. Redundancy inhales. Sucks. Sucks. Enchanting Egypt is a twins’ country. Enchanting Egypt is a twins’ country. What a surprise. What a surprise.

CANCER

Cancer is not caused by smoking marijuana. It is simply a bongwater creature called the crab and is watched over by the mesmerising moon, which designates you as the zodiac’s Mother sign. You are in charge of making sure people always smoke only the best weed available, when you are not too paranoid to come out of that secluded shell. Creative Cancer rules the breasts; what else do you need? The breast guards the lungs, without which we couldn’t inhale. Your suggested leisure activity for November is cat breeding, because unlike dogs, they will not eat your precious cannabis plant. Amsterdam, arguably Heaven on Earth, is a captivating Cancerian city. Water water everywhere and so many bongs to put it in.

LEO

Leo the loquacious and sometimes lewd and lascivious lion is a lighter sign, appropriately ruled by the seductive sun, without which we would have no sensimilla growing in the jewelled jungle of which you are the kinky king. The stunning sun also watches over the heart, so feel free to smoke to your heart’s content. Lickable Lions rule the City of Angels, one of the most expensive cities to obtain marijuana, as well as Prague, one of the cheapest. Your suggested leisure activity this month is ballooning, an alternative way to get high. Gold is a Leo metal, and is almost as precious as green bud. Popeye the sailor is a lackadaisical Leo; is that really spinach he stashes in that film roll looking case he keeps popping?

VIRGO

Oh sweet and pure Virgo. On the other hand, who needs virgins, anyway? But we all do because as smokers they are always fun and vivacious. Your ruling planet is meticulous Mercury and you are a skins sign. And who is it that governs harvesting? You’ve guessed it: Mercury. What great marijuana cultivators you Virgos make. Green and dark brown are vestal virgins’ best colours; smokers associate with that strongly. Melodramatic Mercury is in charge of your nervous system, which is handy for when the cops come to visit. Your suggested leisure activity during Scorpio’s reign is disco dancing; you have to be totally stoned just to listen to that music! And why wasn’t Jesus born in Amsterdam? They couldn’t find three wise men and a Virgin.

LIBRA

What dealer or smoker can live without scales? Thank God for lovely Libra and balance (and weighing, sorting, distributing, etc.). Loaded Libra, like touchy Taurus, is ruled by vacillating Venus, which takes care of the throat. You needn’t worry about smokers’ cough; after all, you are a smoke sign. No other sign is best suited for the leisure activity of hang-gliding but don’t try to roll a joint at the same time. If you can pull that off, however, head to Argentina, a country you govern. And don’t cry for me, even with smoke in your eyes. Lucid Librans are idealistic and peaceable but sometimes easily influenced. That should keep your smoking costs to a minimum.