FEATURE: The Horrors Cope (Signs: Aquarius; Aries; Cancer; Capricorn; Gemini; Leo; Libra; Pisces; Sagittarius;
Scorpio; Taurus; Drawings: Gemini; Sagittarius; Scorpio; Virgo; Credits) | Go To Contents | Go To Next Page (19)
| WE MAY HAVE THE HORRORS BUT WE CAN COPE 'CAUSE WE HAVE THE . . . |
 |
 By Astro-Bitch Astrology with Attitude |
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While the starship cruises the heavens, plotting the course of humanity
as it plummets towards oblivion, here on earth we scan the gutter press
for something that might give us hope that we're going to get out of this
mess. Rescue, however, is at hand, for Coffeehouse Culture brings you the
astrological column to help you cope with the horrors. And if you'll believe
that, you'll believe anything. As we launch into the full frontal predictions that
could ruin your life, we offer you a new kind of astrology column designed for
this new age of confusion (sorry, we mean: consciousness). Never mind coping
with the horrors, in this issue we concentrate on ignoring them completely
as Astro-Bitch redefines your sign the Amsterdam way.
Ouch! We feel your sting, sed-uctive Scorpio.
One of the three
bong signs and
governed by the
ruler of sexual
organs .... As water and genitals
have been responsible for some
of the most entertaining water
sports ever invented, be careful
not to get any of your private parts
stuck in your water pipe. That
would be fun explaining to emer-
gency room doctors. Scorpions
are ruled by Pluto, one of the
Disney Gods, and Mars, not
Uranus, as one might mistakenly
guess. Your suggested leisure
activity this month is building your
own erotic bong, but since your
sign dictates
over genitals, do youeven need
suggestions for
leisure? Maroon
and red are favourable Scor-
pion colours;
smoking orange
bud would be
good but red
widow bud would be highly ... high?
Happy Birthday to all you Scorp-
ions — especially dishy Leo
diCaprio — and remember on your
birthday, if you are not wasted , the
day is. Scorpio rules the city of Fez,
Morocco, so maybe you are
scheduled for a hat or hash hunt-
ing holiday.
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Sagittarius, a lighter sign (there
is no match for
you), is tradition-
ally associated
with hips and
thighs - a good place to lay your
joint rolling tray. Archers are ruled
by Jupiter, the biggest planet,
which means you should be rolling
giant blunts, not mere joints. An
archer is half animal and half
human, but that does’t affect your
capability for getting stoned; ask
my cat. You also have a great need for breathing room; avoid hotbox-
ing it and remember you cannot
light a joint from a microwave. Your
suggested leisure activity this
month is metalwork with fire —
time to turn your tin foil collection
into a pipe? Rich purples and dark blues are Sagittarian colours;
smoking purple haze bud should
get round your brain. For those of
you with an ecclesiastical bent
(and, by the way, did you know that
your sign is the one most likely to
be bisexual?), Sagittarius rules the
city of Rome. Could it be that the
Pope really does smoke dope.?
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Capricorn, a
skins sign, is
ruled by Saturn,
which makes you
yearn to do the
right thing
always. Therefore, you will not be
accused of mixing seeds with
what you smoke or holding on to
the joint too long. You are a smok-
er’s smoker. And, maybe, a joker
and midnight toker as well. Your
suggested leisure activity for Nov-
ember is listening to Steve Miller
while stoned --- nothing new there,
then. Dark green is one of your
favourite colours; what a coincid-
ence, ours too! As in bud, that is!
You horny goats are masters of
the hemp plant. Where would the
textile world be without you? Most
likely in polyester hell. As goat shit
is the very BEST thing to put on
hemp plants; it looks like you
Capricorns can do no wrong ---
even your waste isn’t!
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Aquarius, weentered your
aquatic ambient
age as of May 21,
1998, so we hail
you, oh great
water bearers
for our hubble bubbles! You are a
smoke sign ruled by Uranus, which
everyone else seems to be kissing.
But, then, you are a glamorous
sign. When it comes to pipes, you
are a discerning user, it is high-
class glass for you and never
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plastic or metal. Your suggested
leisure activity for this month is
irrelevant, since you will do some-
thing different anyway. But you
love travel; may we suggest a
tantalising trip in your own mind,
over which you have full dominion.
Your gemstone is the turquoise --
rather ordinary, wouldn’t you say?
No? I would! And your metal is
aluminium. Well, there you go.
However, candy bars come
wrapped in something resembling
your metal, and we all get the
munchies, don’t we?
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Pisces, the fabul-ous free fish, is
cosily comfort-
able in bowls.
Packing and
smoking bowls
are frequent act-
ivities for this scaly bong sign.
Naughty Neptune keeps Pisceans
on weekends but shares custody
with jubilant Jupiter, who governs
the feet. So, you won’t have a prob-
lem walking a mile for that special
baggie. You are the most addictive
personality in the Zodiac, but the
monkey on your back probably
already clued you in to that. We do
not need to suggest a leisure act-
ivity for the month since spanking
that mischievous monkey regular-
ly requires a lot of energy, but the
buzz is that beekeeping would be
enjoyable. Honey is excellent for
preparing magic mushrooms, or
for dipping your lover in. Mmmm!
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Aries is the sign
that marks the
beginning of the
astrological year
and your animal
is the ravishing
robust ram. You are a matches
sign, which comes in handy for
lighting joints. Keep in mind that all
the signs are conducive to smok-
ing - water and earth for growing
cannabis, air for inhaling and fire
for lighting. Alluring Aries’ planet,
Mars, is the God of War; so will it
be blue or orange Rizla? That is
the question! Your suggested leis-
ure activity this month is to make
love, not war; drop acid, not
bombs. And visit Christiania in
Denmark, a country you rule. You
are known for your adventurous,
energetic spirit; you’re the tantal-
ising type to live on the edge and
smoke both marijuana and hash in
the same joint! The French call that
a “Royale” -- it’s not surprising
anarchic Aries governs that
country as well.
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You, tremendous
Taurus, a papers
sign , are ruled
by vivacious
Venus, the Godd-
ess of Love. You
love to inhale in the comfort of your
own couch, which you hate to
leave. Stability is what you crave,
and 420 bonds do make that THC
molecule quite stable, actually.
That’s no bull, although you are.
Bubbly Bulls rule Chicago; just ask
Michael Jordan. Brave Bulls run
the streets of Pamplona as well.
Your suggested leisure activity this
month is to quit being so stubborn,
which you will promptly ignore.
Your flower is the peculiar poppy,
but there’s no hero in smoking
that. Terrific Taureans make
excellent wine since grapes are
on your stomping grounds. Copper
is the metal that you work with
best - perfect for all sorts of smok-
ing paraphernalia.
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The gregariousGemini twins are
smoke signs
ruled by misch-
ievous Mercury.
You advocate the
belief that two
hits (of anything appealing) are
always better than one. Parrots,
birds that repeat everything, are
gentle Gemini animals. Parrots,
birds that repeat everything, are
gentle Gemini animals. Redund-
ancy inhales. Redundancy inhales.
Sucks. Sucks. Enchanting Egypt is
a twins’ country. Enchanting Egypt
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is a twins’ country. What a surp-
rise. What a surprise.
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Cancer is not
caused by smok-
ing marijuana. It
is simply a bong-
water creature
called the crab
and is watched over by the mes-
merising moon, which designates
you as the zodiac’s Mother sign.
You are in charge of making sure
people always smoke only the best
weed available, when you are not
too paranoid to come out of that
secluded shell. Creative Cancer
rules the breasts; what else do
you need? The breast guards the
lungs, without which we couldn’t
inhale. Your suggested leisure
activity for November is cat breed-
ing, because unlike dogs, they will
not eat your precious cannabis
plant. Amsterdam, arguably
Heaven on Earth, is a captivating
Cancerian city. Water water
everywhere and so many bongs to
put it in.
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Leo the loquac-
ious and some-
times lewd and
lascivious lion is
a lighter sign,
appropriately
ruled by the seductive sun, without
which we would have no sensim-
illa growing in the jewelled jungle
of which you are the kinky king.
The stunning sun also watches
over the heart, so feel free to
smoke to your heart’s content.
Lickable Lions rule the City of
Angels, one of the most expensive
cities to obtain marijuana, as well
as Prague, one of the cheapest.
Your suggested leisure activity this
month is ballooning, an alternative
way to get high. Gold is a Leo
metal, and is almost as precious
as green bud. Popeye the sailor is
a lackadaisical Leo; is that really
spinach he stashes in that film roll
looking case he keeps popping?
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Oh sweet and
pure Virgo. On
the other hand,
who needs
virgins, anyway?
But we all do
because as smokers they are
always fun and vivacious. Your
ruling planet is meticulous Mer-
cury and you are a skins sign. And
who is it that governs harvesting?
You’ve guessed it: Mercury. What
great marijuana cultivators you
Virgos make.Green and dark
brown are vest-
al virgins’ best
colours; smok-
ers associate
with that strong-
ly. Melodramat-
ic Mercury is in
charge of your
nervous system,
which is handy for when the
cops come to visit. Your suggest-
ed leisure activity during Scorpio’s
reign is disco dancing; you have to
be totally stoned just to listen to
that music! And why wasn’t Jesus
born in Amsterdam? They couldn’t
find three wise men and a Virgin.
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What dealer orsmoker can live
without scales?
Thank God for
lovely Libra and
balance (and
weighing, sort-
ing, distributing, etc.). Loaded
Libra, like touchy Taurus, is ruled
by vacillating Venus, which takes
care of the throat. You needn’t
worry about smokers’ cough; after
all, you are a smoke sign. No other
sign is best suited for the leisure
activity of hang-gliding but don’t try
to roll a joint at the same time. If
you can pull that off, however,
head to Argentina, a country you
govern. And don’t cry for me, even
with smoke in your eyes. Lucid
Librans are idealistic and peace-
able but sometimes easily influen-
ced. That should keep your smok-
ing costs to a minimum.
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The THC column is
purely for entertainment
and contains nothing that
might, even vaguely, impinge
upon anyone's future. Other
than, perhaps, the author's.
Oh, and if you haven't
worked it out,: Smoke = air;
Lighter/matches = fire;
Bong = water;
Skins/paper = earth
COPY BY: Fysh
DRAWINGS BY: David Spier
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