PAGE NINETEEN; ARTICLE THREE; ADVICE COLUMN

Dear Auntie Edith,
HowHow do you get to be an agony aunt? I have always wanted to help people deal with life's little problems and am sure that I have the qualifications, knowledge and experience to make a worthwhile contribution. But how do I start?
Yours sincerely,
Agonised, Epsom

Auntie Edith replies,
Dear Agonised of Epsom,
There is nothing like knitting to take your mind off the frustrations of not achieving your ambitions. So get those needles clicking. So far as becoming an agony aunt is concerned, it certainly helps if you are related by birth to the editor (maybe you could bear his child). As an alternative to having sex with someone
you find physically revolting you could try offering some kind of bribe. If you follow my advice about knitting, before too long you would be in a position to tempt any editor with an enticing selection of hand-crafted knitwear that might sway his judgement in your favour. I know many an editor who would sell his grandmother for a chunky knit cardigan.
SO far as having the qualifications, knowledge and experience, I doubt that anyone has watched as many episodes of Neighbours, Coronation Street and those wonderful Australian soaps (I wonder what happened to that nice Rolf Harris after he ascended that Stairway to Heaven?) as I have.
THE best advice I can give you is persevere with the knitting. Conquering chain stitch will solve many of your problems.
SoNext!

Dear Auntie Edith,
HowMy husband is a transvestite who enjoys dressing up in my clothes. How can I be sure that he does not attract attention when we are out together?
Yours sincerely,
Bruce, Sidcup

Auntie Edith replies,
Dear Bruce of Sidcup,
HowThe first rule of cross-dressing is not to get too furious. The second rule is no sequins. To avoid public disgrace always ensure that the clothes your husband wishes to wear are not the ones you are currently wearing as two people crammed into one set of clothes always attracts attention. My best recommendation is that you knit your hubby a nice bolero or cardy in, say, pink angora. That will certainly take your mind off any public censure when you go out together.
SoNext!

Dear Auntie Edith,
HowHow do I hang wallpaper?
Tacky, Catford

Auntie Edith replies,
Dear Tacky of Catford,
HowNo Wallpaper should be well hung (much like Jimi Hendrix). The best advice I can give you is get a professional to do the cutting and pasting while you go out somewhere nice and do a bit of knitting.

Dear Celibate of Amsterdam,
HowNo No space to print your long, turgid and pathetic letter and such self-pity is unlikely to endear you to the fairer sex. You asked for advice on begging for sex. My advice is: don't! Begging never goes down well with the ladies. They prefer a little charm and sophistication but as you clearly possess neither of these qualities you might find it better to try knitting them something nice.