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DARWIN AWARD BURIED IN SHIT
The Darwin Award is made -- posthumously -- on an annual basis to those who have made their contribution to the gene pool by dying in spectacularly stupid ways. A hotly contested prize, the Darwin Award has yet to leave its place on the shelf where it collects dust. But that is the nature of the game.
Nominees for the 1999 Award include:
- In September in Detroit. A 41-year-old man who got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
- In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned out when he ran," according to his wife, accidentally jogged off a 200-foot-high cliff on his daily run.
- In Buxton, North Carolina: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. 'Beachgoers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom on Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.'
- In February in Lompoc, California: Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarising. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
- In January in Dahlonega, Georgia: ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest that Berrena was wearing.
- In February in Selbyville, Delaware: Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
- Also in February in Windsor, Ontario: According to police, Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.
- Startlingly stupid everyone. But, as they say you ain't seen nothing yet. For here are the Darwin Awards' Honourable Mentions:
- In Guthrie, Oklahoma, in October: Jason Heck was trying to kill a millipede with a shot from his 22-caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole, and hit his pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull.
- In Elyria, Ohio, in October: Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favour of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his house.
- In September in Andover Township, New Jersey: Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalised and his wife Bonnie was also injured by a quarter-stick of dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the window was closed.
- In November in Betulia, Colombia: An annual festival includes five days of amateur bullfighting. This year, no bull was killed, but dozens of matadors were injured, including one who was gored in the head and one who was Bobbittized. Said one participant,"It's just one bull against [a town of] a thousand morons."
- And the winner of the 1999 Darwin Award is:
- In Paderborn, Germany: Overzealous zoo-keeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of an animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs, and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let fly, and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators say that the ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive-oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him like a dump truck full of mud. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him," said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. "With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time, the keeper suffocated. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that happen."
- Unfortunately, Herr Riesfeldt is unable to be with us tonight to accept his award. But congratulations, anyway.
A HEAD THINKING AHEAD
Wouldn't life be a better experience if we all put a little more intelligence into our day to day lives. It is not that hard. To stay on top of any situation involves little more than solving an initial problem and then remembering what has gone on before. To help you understand this concept we have prepared a little test to see whether you qualify as a Life Professional. There are only four quest ions. The answers are at the foot of the page. Good luck!!
Question 1: How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
Question 2: How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator ?
Question 3: The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
Question 4: There is a river filled with crocodiles. How do you cross it?
Four out of four questions correct and you can regard yourself as a true professional. Wealth and success await you. If you answer three out of four, you have some catching up to do but there's hope for you. If you answer two out of four, consider a career as a hamburger flipper in a fast food joint. If you get only one out of four correct, you're a dumb ass and you should try selling some of your organs. It's the only way you will ever make any money. None correct, you should donate your body to science or better yet, consider a career that does not require any higher mental functions at all, such as law or politics.
PUMPKIN PIE
This was in the Washington Post, under the heading: "Best Comeback Line Ever".
'Police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old white male, a resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 pm Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday. The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview from the Lawrenceville jail. Lawrence went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need". "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice the Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realise that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He got real surprised, as you'd expect, and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin!? Damn... is it midnight already?'"
FIRST TIME AROUND
One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem."
"What's the problem, Adam?" God replies.
"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Adam?" comes the reply from the heavens.
"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."
"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you."
"What's a 'woman,' Lord?"
"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you," replies the heavenly voice.
"Sounds great."
"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."
"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?" Adam replies.
"She'll cost you a leg, an arm, an eye, an ear, and a testicle."
Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam asks God: "Uh, what can I get for a rib?"
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THINKING AHEAD --THE ANSWERS
Answer 1: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door.
This question tests whether or not you are doing simple things in a complicated way.
Answer 2: Open the refrigerator, take out of the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.
This question tests your foresight. You clearly cannot get an elephant into a fridge that is already occupied by a giraffe.
Answer 3: The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator!
This question tests if you are capable of comprehensive thinking.
Answer 4: You simply swim across it. All the crocodiles are attending the animal meeting!
This question tests your reasoning ability.
Items contributed by the GadgetQueen and Friends
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