DARWIN AWARD BURIED IN SHIT

he Darwin Award is made -- posthumously -- on an annual basis
to those who have made their contribution to the gene pool by
dying in spectacularly stupid ways. A hotly contested prize, the
Darwin Award has yet to leave its place on the shelf where it collects
dust. But that is the nature of the game.
NNominees for the 1999 Award include:

• In September in Detroit. A 41-year-old man who got stuck and
  drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through
  an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
  
• In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who
  "totally zoned out when he ran," according to his wife, accident-
  ally jogged off a 200-foot-high cliff on his daily run.
  
• In Buxton, North Carolina: A man died on a beach when an
  8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat
  inside it. 'Beachgoers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun,
  or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach
  chair at the bottom on Thursday afternoon when it collapsed,
  burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on
  the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw
  their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could
  not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment
  almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on.
  Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.'
  
• In February in Lompoc, California: Santiago Alvarado, 24, was
  killed as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop
  he was burglarising. Death was caused when the long flashlight
  he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed
  into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
  
• In January in Dahlonega, Georgia: a 20 year old ROTC cadet
  was stabbed to death through the heart by a fellow cadet while
  trying to prove, that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest
  that he was wearing.
  
• In February in Selbyville, Delaware: Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26,
  was killed, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not
  put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull
  the trigger.
  
• Also in February in Windsor, Ontario: According to police,
  Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on
  collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were
  playing with their snowmobiles.
  

NStartlingly stupid everyone. But, as they say you ain't seen nothing
yet. For here are the Darwin Awards' Honourable Mentions:

• In Guthrie, Oklahoma, in October: Jason Heck was trying to
  kill a millipede with a shot from his 22-caliber rifle, but the bullet
  ricocheted off a rock near the hole, and hit his pal Antonio
  Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull.
  
• In Elyria, Ohio, in October: Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean
  out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favour
  of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and
  second floors of his house.
  
• In September in Andover Township, New Jersey: Paul Stiller,
  47, was hospitalised and his wife Bonnie was also injured by a
  quarter-stick of dynamite that blew up in their car. While driv-
  ing around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried
  to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but they
  apparently failed to notice that the window was closed.
• In November in Betulia, Colombia: An annual festival includes
  five days of amateur bullfighting. This year, no bull was killed,
  but dozens of matadors were injured, including one who was
  gored in the head and one who was Bobbittized. Said one
  participant,"It's just one bull against [a town of] a thousand
  morons."

NAnd the winner of the 1999 Darwin Award is:

• In Paderborn, Germany: Overzealous zoo-keeper Friedrich
  Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of an
  animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs, and
  prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let fly, and
  suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators
  say that the ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the
  ailing elephant an olive-oil enema when the relieved beast
  unloaded on him like a dump truck full of mud. "The sheer force
  of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt
  to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay
  unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels
  on top of him," said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective
  Erik Dern. "With no one there to help him, he lay under all that
  dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and
  during that time, the keeper suffocated. It seems to be just one
  of those freak accidents that happen."
  

NUnfortunately, Herr Riesfeldt is unable to be with us tonight to
accept his award. But congratulations, anyway.
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A HEAD THINKING AHEAD
ouldn't life be a better experience if we all put a little more
intelligence into our day to day lives. It is not that hard. To
stay on top of any situation involves little more than solving an
initial problem and then remembering what has gone on before. To
help you understand this concept we have prepared a little test to see
whether you qualify as a Life Professional. There are only four quest-
ions. The answers are at the foot of the page. Good luck!!

NQuestion 1: How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
NQuestion 2: How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator ?
NQuestion 3: The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the
Nanimals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
NQuestion 4: There is a river filled with crocodiles. How do you
Ncross it?

NFour out of four questions correct and you can regard yourself as a
true professional. Wealth and success await you. If you answer three
out of four, you have some catching up to do but there's hope for you.
If you answer two out of four, consider a career as a hamburger
flipper in a fast food joint. If you get only one out of four correct,
you're a dumb ass and you should try selling some of your organs. It's
the only way you will ever make any money. None correct, you should
donate your body to science or better yet, consider a career that does
not require any higher mental functions at all, such as law or politics.
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PUMPKIN PIE
his was in the Washington Post, under the heading: "Best
Comeback Line Ever".
N'Police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old white male, a
resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 pm Friday.
Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public
indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse
on Monday. The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a
pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and
squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I
thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview from the
Lawrenceville jail. Lawrence went on to state that he pulled over to
the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate
to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged
"need". "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented
with evident embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently
failed to notice the Gwinnett County police car approaching and was
unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I
walked up to (Lawrence) and he's...just working away at this
pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she
approached Lawrence "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do
you realise that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He got real surprised,
as you'd expect, and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A
pumpkin!? Damn... is it midnight already?'"
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FIRST TIME AROUND
NOne day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem."
N"What's the problem, Adam?" God replies.
N"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surr-
ounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful
animals, but I'm just not happy."
N"Why is that, Adam?" comes the reply from the heavens.
N"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food
and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."
N"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a
'woman' for you."
N"What's a 'woman,' Lord?"
N"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beau-
tiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she
can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so
sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to
make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth.
She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will
be the perfect companion for you," replies the heavenly voice.
N"Sounds great."
N"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."
N"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?" Adam replies.
N"She'll cost you a leg, an arm, an eye, an ear, and a testicle."
NAdam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and
concern on his face. Finally Adam asks God: "Uh, what can I get for
a rib?"
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THINKING AHEAD --THE ANSWERS
NAnswer 1: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door.
NThis question tests whether or not you are doing simple things in a complicated way.
NAnswer 2: Open the refrigerator, take out of the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.
NThis question tests your foresight. You clearly cannot get an elephant into a fridge that is already occupied by a giraffe.
NAnswer 3: The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator!
NThis question tests if you are capable of comprehensive thinking.
NAnswer 4: You simply swim across it. All the crocodiles are attending the animal meeting!
NThis question tests your reasoning ability.
NItems contributed by the GadgetQueen and Friends
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To say that Coffeehouse
Culture welcomes contrib-
utions would be an under-
statement. Whatever your
interests and skills --
whether writing, graphics,
design or web mastery --
we would love to hear
from you and have you
make a contribution. And
the scope is endless.
CoCoffeehouse Culture re-
presents and serves a
society that is vibrant with
creativity, throbbing with
inspiration and packed full
of original thinkers. There is
just sooooo much creativity
of such a high standard in
the consciousness culture
that it is a shame to see it
limited by geography and the
other factors that keep it con-
fined. The first effect of a
culture is that it feeds itself;
the second effect is that it
feeds other cultures; and the
third effect is that it is recog-
nised as a defined and defin-
able creative force. The
creative element in the cult-
ure of consciousness has
had over 30 years in which to
define itself as a recognisable
entity so that today, in Amst-
erdam at least, it stands tall
and proud. However, it has
yet to achieve the vital cultur-
al crossover that would bring
it into the mainstream of
creative activity and get it the
recognition it deserves.
CoThere are many reasons
for this. Geography, energy,
marketing knowledge and
more.
CoTechnology to the rescue.
The world wide web has no
geography; indeed, hardly
any barriers at all. It provides
world-wide access of such
magnitude that creativity
should be unconfined. So why
isn't it? Maybe it is because
there is not a recognisable
medium through which the
culture of consciousness can
play itself out.
CoCoffeehouse Culture would
like to provide that medium.
CoLike any publication Coff-
eehouse Culture has clearly
defined 'areas of interest' and
a tight editorial and design
policy. When we commission
stuff we provide a brief so
that the end result fits into
the particular context and/or
appearance of the publication
as a whole. However, whilst
we cannot provide a brief in
this case, to assist those
who might wish to make
some kind of contribution we
can offer some guidelines and
ideas.

Like any publication, Coff-
eehouse Culture lives or dies
by its editorial. Not only must
the editorial be crisply and
professionally written but it
must be infinitely readable. It
is hard enough to get people
to read stuff on paper but on
the web, the job is even
tougher. Therefore, readabil-
ity is of paramount import-
ance. That, however, does
not mean that the copy nec-
essarily needs to be trivial
(although, as you will see, tri-
viality does have a significant
place in Coffeehouse Culture),
superficial or unchallenging.
As you can see from this issue
of Coffeehouse Culture it
includes a broad range of
material of various lengths pit-
ched at a fairly erudite read-
ership. What distinguishes
Coffeehouse Culture's featur-
es is the relaxed, chatty,
easy-going but info packed
style in which they are writt-
en. That is readability.
CoNot everyone, however,
has the interest or attention
span to read a 3000 word
feature. Many people want
short, sharp, easy-to-digest
material that does not tax
them intellectually. This where
triviality comes in. What after
all, could be more trivial than
the very column that sits
alongside this one? It is, how-
ever, a fine example of the
point being made. But if its
triviality and short, sharp,
easy copy where not enough
to justify its inclusion, there is
one other factor that does --
fun. The column is, we hope,
is fun to read and full of
laughs.
CoAnd here we have another
major ingredient in the Coff-
eehouse Culture recipe -- the
laughter element. People like
to laugh and we'll do every-
thing we can to brighten
anyone's day. Amusing, witty
and fun, these are the
qualities that justify the
inclusion of the most trivial
material. And these qualities
should be evident in more
substantial features. Whilst
belly laughs might be a bit
out of place in a serious, in-
tellectually challenging (for
some) feature, a good hum-
oured approach to the subject
is never out of place.
CoThe scope for writers in
Coffeehouse Culture is enor-
mous. Not only are there a wide range of interesting, involving and challenging features to be written, there are also a number of regular columns available.
CoThe Greenfinger column
(on page three in this issue)
is up for grabs but there are
others.
CoOur own Dokker D'Ath
could do with some help with
the alternative health col-
umns. There will be a several
of these approaching this
broad subject from a number
of angles. If you would like to
know more. please e-mail us.
CoThere is considerable scope
for writers who can put
together strongly written and
original material on aspects of
music. At the moment
Coffeehouse Culture has no
music content so the field is
wide open for features, one
or more diary columns, review
columns and just about
anything else that fits.
CoFor those who live in Amst-
erdam the scope is also pretty
wide open. The Cannabisness
section has need of coffee-
shop gossip, features about
the Amsterdam smoking scene
and about what is going on in
CoContinued on next page
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