DARWIN AWARD: BURIED IN SHIT

he Darwin Award is made -- posthumously -- on an annual basis to those who have
made their contribution to the gene pool by dying in spectacularly stupid ways. A
hotly contested prize, the Darwin Award has yet to leave its place on the shelf
where it collects dust. But that is the nature of the game.
NNominees for the 1999 Award include:

• In September in Detroit. A 41-year-old man who got stuck and drowned in two
  feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to
  retrieve his car keys.
  
• In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned out when
  he ran," according to his wife, accidentally jogged off a 200-foot-high cliff on his
  daily run.
  
• In Buxton, North Carolina: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had
  dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. 'Beachgoers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug
  the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair
  at the bottom on Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet
  of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels,
  trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not
  reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him
  while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.'
  
• In February in Lompoc, California: Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell face-
  first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarising. Death was caused
  when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed
  into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
  
• In January in Dahlonega, Georgia: a 20 year old ROTC cadet was stabbed to death
  through the heart by a fellow cadet while trying to prove that a knife could not
  penetrate the flak vest that he was wearing.
  
• In February in Selbyville, Delaware: Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed, as he
  won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets
  into his mouth and pull the trigger.
  
• Also in February in Windsor, Ontario: According to police, Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy
  Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they
  were playing with their snowmobiles.
  

NStartlingly stupid everyone. But, as they say you ain't seen nothing yet. For here are the
Darwin Awards' Honourable Mentions:

• In Guthrie, Oklahoma, in October: Jason Heck was trying to kill a millipede with a
  shot from his 22-caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole, and
  hit his pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull.
  
• In Elyria, Ohio, in October: Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out cobwebs in his
  basement, declined to use a broom in favour of a propane torch and caused a fire that
  burned the first and second floors of his house.
  
• In September in Andover Township, New Jersey: Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalised
  and his wife Bonnie was also injured by a quarter-stick of dynamite that blew up in
  their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried
  to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but they apparently failed to
  notice that the window was closed.
• In November in Betulia, Colombia: An annual festival includes five days of amateur
  bullfighting. This year, no bull was killed, but dozens of matadors were injured,
  including one who was gored in the head and one who was Bobbittized. Said one
  participant,"It's just one bull against [a town of] a thousand morons."

NAnd the winner of the 1999 Darwin Award is:

• In Paderborn, Germany: Overzealous zoo-keeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his
  constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of an animal laxative and more than a bushel
  of berries, figs, and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let fly, and
  suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators say that the ill-fated
  Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive-oil enema when the
  relieved beast unloaded on him like a dump truck full of mud. "The sheer force of the
  elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he
  struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate
  his bowels on top of him," said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern.
  "With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before
  a watchman came along, and during that time, the keeper suffocated. It seems to be
  just one of those freak accidents that happen."
  

NUnfortunately, Herr Riesfeldt is unable to be with us tonight to accept his award. But
congratulations, anyway.
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A HEAD THINKING AHEAD

ouldn't life be a better experience if we all put a little more intelligence into our
day to day lives. It is not that hard. To stay on top of any situation involves little
more than solving an initial problem and then remembering what has gone on before.
To help you understand this concept we have prepared a little test to see whether you
qualify as a Life Professional. There are only four questions. The answers are at the foot of
the page. Good luck!!

NQuestion 1: How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
NQuestion 2: How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator ?
NQuestion 3: The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except
None. Which animal does not attend?
NQuestion 4: There is a river filled with crocodiles. How do you cross it?

NFour out of four questions correct and you can regard yourself as a true professional.
Wealth and success await you. If you answer three out of four, you have some catching up
to do but there's hope for you. If you answer two out of four, consider a career as a ham-
burger flipper in a fast food joint. If you get only one out of four correct, you're a dumb ass
and you should try selling some of your organs. It's the only way you will ever make any
money. None correct, you should donate your body to science or better yet, consider a career
that does not require any higher mental functions at all, such as law or politics.
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PUMPKIN PIE

his was in the Washington Post, under the heading: "Best Comeback Line Ever".
'Police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old white male, a resident of Dacula, GA,
in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 pm Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and
lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett
County courthouse on Monday. The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin
patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was
no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview
from the Lawrenceville jail. Lawrence went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the
road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and
proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need". "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he
commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice
the Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer
Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer
Taylor. "I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's ... just working away at this pumpkin." Taylor
went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence "I just went up and said,
'Excuse me sir, but do you realise that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He got real surprised,
as you'd expect, and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin!? Damn .... is it
midnight already?'"
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FIRST TIME AROUND

NOne day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have
a problem."
N"What's the problem, Adam?" God replies.
N"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this
beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."
N"Why is that, Adam?" comes the reply from the heavens.
N"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beauti-
ful animals, but I am lonely."
N"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you."
N"What's a 'woman,' Lord?"
N"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have
ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want
it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make
you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care
for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you," replies the
heavenly voice.
N"Sounds great."
N"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."
N"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?" Adam replies.
N"She'll cost you a leg, an arm, an eye, an ear, and a testicle."
NAdam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face.
Finally Adam asks God: "Uh, what can I get for a rib?"
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THINKING AHEAD --THE ANSWERS
NAnswer 1: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door.
NThis question tests whether or not you are doing simple things in a complicated way.
NAnswer 2: Open the refrigerator, take out of the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.
NThis question tests your foresight. You clearly cannot get an elephant into a fridge that is
already occupied by a giraffe.
NAnswer 3: The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator!
NThis question tests if you are capable of comprehensive thinking.
NAnswer 4: You simply swim across it. All the crocodiles are attending the animal meeting!
NThis question tests your reasoning ability.
NItems contributed by the GadgetQueen and Friends
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