Look, buster, just watch how you use the term crone, thats all . . . . But . . . . Okay, I know . . . . But . . . .Okay, okay . . . . And whiter wash? . . . . But . . . But . . . . Look, Ive got to go. Theyre here now. Yes, now. Byeeee. Sorry about that. Just having a last minute conversation with our dear editor. What a d . . .eranged d . . . arling he is. Whiter wash, indeed. Oh, sooooo excuse meeee. Hello, hello. Welcome, welcome, Sit, sit. Oh dear, I seem to be saying everything twice. Its that damned editors fault. Whiter wash, indeed. I have my reputation to maintain, you know. I mean, this certainly isnt Home Economics 101. Home Econmics 420, that maybe Ill go for. And do you know what he had the audacity to say? That I didnt understand irony! Me. Me, whose y to say? That I didnt understand irony! Me. Me, whose been ironing for most of her life.
...He says that I will have no need to mention that there will be no laundry tips in this column. But maybe youll come out of reading it a little cleaner. Thats what he said I should tell ya. And who knows. It is, he tells me, Coffeehouse Cultures Shakti section, the special place in an otherwise fairly male preserve, for us wymyn. But that doesnt mean it is going to be a perfume, panties and PMS affair. However, when it comes to buffing up your karma, your aura and your life, maybe this column been ironing for most of her life.
...He says that I will have no need to mention that there will be no laundry tips in this column. But maybe youll come out of reading it a little cleaner. Thats what he said I should tell ya. And who knows. It is, he tells me, Coffeehouse Cultures Shakti section, the special place in an otherwise fairly male preserve, for us wymyn. But that doesnt mean it is going to be a perfume, panties and PMS affair. However, when it comes to buffing up your karma, your aura and your life, maybe this column will be of some help.
...So Gels, shall we begin.
A CRONE IS NEVER ALONE
But before your eyes mist over with the strange lilac hue in the air here at Crones' Corner, let me put to rest any erroneous presumptions you may have about 'crones.' The old hag in the fairy tales with the wart on her nose is much farther down the road of cronehood than anybody around here.
...No blue hair in this corner, unless it is electric blue, but that's to match my nail polish! And the bubbling you can hear is just some nice veggy soup I am cooking up and my coffee pot making its presence known. Being a crone is an attitude as much as a chronological measurement, and it all starts with knowing yourself. Crone's Corner is a magical place where the pieces all come together and understanding prevails.
...There are you see, traditionally, three ages of womanhood. They are Maiden, Mother and Crone. And age has nothing to do with it. Being a crone is an attitude more than a chronological measurement, and it all starts with knowing yourself. When these defniitions were a recognised part of the social structure, too long ago for even recorded history to have jotted down a note, life expectancy was much lower and, therefore, everything happened faster. Children could be mothers at 12, 13 and 14, grandmothers by the time they were thirty and where do you go from there but into cronehood?
...The crones wisdom is in the ability to see the whole picture and 'connect the dots' without getting distracted by any one of them. And her role is to convey the wisdom of the eternal Mother to all those that can hear. And it just so happens that the words are for the ears of womynkynd. Although some men can hear they are few; most are distracted by listening too intently for the sound of snapping elastic. The Mothers message is one of holism. As she begins to lift the veils of mystery, we recognize our wholeness and our connectedness to all of life. The Mother's Love is all inclusive, unconditional and eternal, which means that her guidance is always there! Every moment is laden with its own truth, its special flavour, its synchronicities.
...One of my favourite crones, Dr Zippadedodah (sorry, that is Zipporah) Dobyns says that Life if not an either/or. Life is an And. Too right, Zippo, say I. Every colour, every thread, every single cell of your life is part of your tapestry. Weave it well.
...The crone, of course, is never alone. She is a part and reflection of this connectedness.
THE THREE FATES
While the natural ageing process defines the stages of 'womanhood' as 'Maiden, Mother and Crone,' in 'fact, there is an aspect of all three in every one of us, which can be called upon as needed. Of course, we spend most of our lives in our appropriate 'time slots' being frisky and nubile as young maidens, stable and nurturing as mature mothers and finally, detached and wise as elder matriarchs. For the purpose of this column we are invoking our own wisest old womyn whose 'karma ran over her dogma' a very long time ago. She ended up gagging on her Valley Girl spoon after burning her bra and charting her stars, and finally ran off with the wolves. What better source of wisdom could there be? ~ except for your own wise old wymyn, of course, but then if you were listening to her you wouldn't be reading this, would you?
...Mythology's Triple Goddess of Fate lies at the root of this perception of the Feminine experience. Meditating on each phase can help you attune to your own expression of these essential aspects of the human psyche: Lachesis (maiden) who spins the thread of life, Clothos (mother) who measures it, and Atropos (crone) who cuts it. The key to balance and success lies in knowing which role you are enacting at any given moment, to then 'pick up the thread' and handle it appropriately. (Auntie Edith is an old hand at this one!) The seamless transition from one to another takes a little practice, but a sincere focus of attention is your best approach.
The role of Wymyn has turned itself inside out over the last century and we may all be quivering in the wake of it. But listen up! The answers are right where they have always been ~ inside you. That is the Truth of the Feminine: it holds, it gestates, it rebirths. It was the old crones of the past who held the secrets of birthing and healing and dying. Once the matriarchal societies began to fade (about 4000 years ago) and the patriarchy gained in power, the wisdom of those wise womyn was downplayed into 'old wives' tales' or sometimes called 'womens' intuition' but rarely was it deemed worthy of
equal consideration alongside the logical, linear thinking of the 'masculine' half of society.
...In a world overflowing with outer stimuli it may seem virtually impossible to focus on the Inner Voice, the one that whispers those profound little gems, the only one that never lies. But don't despair ~ that voice is resounding all around you, and all you have to do is learn how to notice. Damaged childhoods and brutal life paths can add to the cacophony of crashing and bashing, of doubt and dissonance in one's mind. But there is a tranquil knowing beneath that chaos that is your Truth, your wholeness and your life. The beauty of it all is that your body knows, even if your brain forgot. The body is our gift from Mother Nature, our vehicle through this Earth Walk, encoded with all of our past-life memories and instincts. We can reclaim our wholeness by honouring the 'feminine' wisdom of intuition and nurturing, and by applying it to ourselves.
IN THE CRONE'S CUPBOARD
LATEST MEDICATIONS FOR WOMEN
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours.
St. MOM'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers
unconscious for up to six hours.
Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing
the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't
wait till they moved out.
Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an
evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing
enjoyment of country western music
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and
the urge to flip off other drivers.
Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines
as, "You make me want to be a better person... can we get naked now?"
Injectable stimulant taken prior toshopping. Increases potency and
duration of spending spree.
Extra Strength BUY-ONE-AL
When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying
frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond
CD or a book by Dr. Laura.
Relieves headache caused by some loser who can't remember your
birthday, anniversary or phone number.
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to
share their life stories with total strangers.
More effective than Excedrin in treating the "Not now, dear, I have a
When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging
on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.
GET BACK HERE
Spacing out, cramping up, running cold, flashing hot, - freaking, fainting, bloating, starving... and hormonal gyrations of all sorts are just your varied attempts at trying to get out of here! It ain't gonna work. 'Prescription drugs, silicone implants and hormone replacements further complicate the smokescreen of already confused female cells!' claims this crotchety crone. How about trying to see the parallels between our symptoms and the rest of our life?! Are we surprised that womyn have manifested a condition called 'Chronic Fatigue Syndrome?' Can't we all claim some degree of 'chronic fatigue?' Why is that? Maybe because we are trying to do all the things that 'the experts' tell us we 'should do' but are ignoring the things that our intuition tells us, which would most likely nurture us back to a healthy balance!
...As we are continually subjected to increased levels of light and a speeding up of time, we are needing more and more body awareness in order to stay in-tune with ourselves and our own development. How about giving your vehicle some help? It will zing and sing and dance and prance if you feed it nutritious, fresh food and stay out of the grease bucket. Keeping your channels clear allows the maximum transmission of your intuitive knowing about what Is good for you and what is not. A healthy flow of 'chi' (life force) can maintain good energy and dispel illness. Any form of full body movement will help to facilitate this overall lift. A lifetime of yoga has done wonders for this crone, as might tai chi or many of the martial arts, which all combine the spiritual teachings with the physical skills. But even just walking and drinking lots of water will restore your verve and enthusiasm for life! Having lots of sex might do it too, but only if your partner is as conscious as you are! Otherwise, it might be exactly the opposite, a totally draining experience.
LADIES OF THE NIGHT
It is surely no accident that the four 'feminine' asteroids -AND- the archetype of holism, Chiron, were all discovered in the same decade, the 70s. The asteroids had been physically discovered 200 years earlier, but we never had any way to calculate their positions until the early 1970s. The first four discovered 'just happened' to be representative of the four roles that wymyn have traditionally played in society: Mother (Ceres), Daughter (Pallas Athena), Sister (Vesta), Wife (Juno). For us astrologers, this meant that by adding these four feminine figures to the birth chart, we joined their forces with Venus and the Moon to more effectively balance out all the 'masculine' planets in our pantheon.
...The Wymyn's Lib Movement coincided with these asteroids landing in our charts, at once reflecting their surfacing strengths inherent in wymyn. For Chiron to be discovered shortly after that seemed perfect, indeed. Being half-man and half-beast, and yet Divine all the while, he embodies holism in the most dramatic of ways. While Chiron's discovery brought some relief to the male half of the populace with a resurgence of some of their power, it also brought a message to the womyn, that the reintegration of the feminine strengths would necessarily include the men, not exclude them. At the same time though, it called on us to utilize our own masculinity, in terms of our desire and initiative to propel our own ideas forward and not continue to subject ourselves to the rules and restrictions that had been laid down by previous generations.
SOUP AND MEDITATION
The soup is telling me it is ready so I must bring this evening to a close with a light meditation, asking us to bring our thoughts to the centre point of our circle and to allow the energies to coalesce and find their natural rhythm amongst us. In order to honour your Whole Self and thereby create well-being and harmony in your life, it is vital that you use each of your component parts in harmony with the whole. If you know the signs of your birth planets, then you have even more information with which to begin your self-mastery, but here are the Crones Celestial Keys:
..Sun ~ You are the Light of Your Life. By shining as brightly as you can in the simple joy of being alive and truly being yourself, you are insuring your vitality and confidence!
..Moon ~ Nurture your inner being and love yourself. Release self-pity by giving to your inner child whatever your parents did not.
..Mercury ~ Mind your mind, and mend your thoughts. Monitor your mental chatter with objectivity and discernment. Be impeccable in your word.
..Venus ~ Health, wealth and love come from Balance. Find the silver lining in every cloud, knowing it is always there. Create joy where there is none,and remember to laugh.
..Mars ~ Follow your instincts and deepest desires, and DO what you came here to DO. Giving away your power results in illness, accidents and trauma.
..Jupiter ~ There is always more. Look just above the horizon for the 'crack between the worlds' and capitalizing on them. Remember 'The Ugly Duckling?'
..Saturn ~ Take charge, take responsibility and take credit. Self-discipline will get you everywhere.
..Uranus ~ Celebrate your differences from others by capitalizing on them. Remember 'The Ugly Duckling.'
..Neptune ~ Dare to listen to your intuition, and feel for the Flow. When your eyes are blinded, your Third One works best.
..Pluto ~ Shit happens. Accept it, embrace it, and be still. Rebirth and renewal will follow.
...As we relax our breath, the profundity of the dark centre envelops us, the candle is relit, we open our eyes, and bid farewell til next time at Crone's' Corner. Brightest Blessings, and Merry Meet Again!