elcome to the Other Side of Life. The ‘flip’ side, as we
call it. That is ‘flip’ as in facetious and superficial. Some, however, would say that this is the real world. This is reality as we know it; not the airy fairy inner-spirit stuff you hear these demented hippies talking about. Life is a used condom, a pool of vomit, a greasy burger wrapper and a mayonnaise slick along which we slide towards . . . ? Fulfilment or degradation, decadence and a good night out?
..It is fine to describe reality as a bright and glowing experience but we know that real reality -- hardcore reality -- is not like that. The reality that surrounds us is far from bright and glowing. It is a smutty, grubby, tacky, sleazy and gross experience. But don’t we all love it?
...So it is time for us to get real. Shrugging off the monk’s habit (well, it is better than biting your nails and you do get to meet such a nice class of nun,) emerging from behind the slightly soiled facade of an out-of-control multiple personality syndrome, tearing off the mask of responsibility and flipping open the raincoat of respectability -- we reveal ourselves for what we really are. Raddled, warty, wrinkled and wicked, bent, twisted and pushed out of shape by life's experiences, calloused and blistered by unfulfilled strivings for superficial satisfaction, eaten away by acid tongues and infinite rejections. Alienated and alone, we are the pictures in Dorian Grey’s attic. We are the My Hyde of Coffeehouse Culture, the Lurker at the Gates of Doom, the Great Shadow that covers the land.
....Gone are the positive attitudes, the higher vision, the intellectual substance. The quiet and gentle tone is replaced by a sharper, more abrasive one. The words, too, are different. Born in inferiority, nurtured in failure and aged in the bitter acid of experience, they are of the real world. Sarcasm, cynicism and spite. These three ‘s’ words, as George Dubya Bush might say, are the words that describe the world that is our common (and we mean common) experience.
...But, hey, what about some of the other aspects of this wonderful world. What happened to drugs, sex and rock ‘n’ roll? What about the vulgarity, the put-downs, the sick jokes and the bad taste? Although -- of course -- we found them hideous, abhorrent and unacceptable, they did make life a colourful experience. They gave it a texture (not unlike a Jackson Pollack painting in yellow ochre with red and orange highlights,) a spicy piquancy that burned the mouth, destroyed the palate, produced a lot of wind, gave one diarrhoea that came out like a blowtorch but was irresistible anyway. Where have all those fine things gone?
...Eaten alive by political correctness, is the answer. And, okay, it is nice to be nice to the disadvantaged. It is never to one's credit (although it is great fun) to draw attention to the deficiencies of others. Political correctness removes the divisions from society and makes us all the same -- bland, uninteresting, nice but boring. So what’s wrong with getting vicarious satisfaction from the very things that make one feel superior? Who says it is selfish and insensitive to score points off other people’s deficiencies? What is the point of being one of the ‘haves’ if you cannot put-down the ‘have-nots?’ Life is a hierarchical experience, and it is incumbent on those at the top to make the most of their elevated position by making those below them feel as small as possible. Thus it has always been and thus it should stay.
...It is, after all, only honest. And honesty is something we can get behind without the complication of conflict or complaint. Political correctness, of course, is not honest. It makes no secret of its dishonesty, however. All is revealed in that killer word political.’ When was the last time you encountered the words ‘honesty’ and political’ in even the same hemisphere?
...So this is where we get honest. And as the title suggests, no one is spared. If you are a member of any minority group; indeed, if you are a member of the human race, there is something here to offend you. But if you have half a brain and all your bits, this is going to make you feel really good. And, if you don’t. Well, better luck next time.
...If you have been impressed by the mild mannered, restrained and tasteful tone of the previous pages of this publication, you are going to be appalled by the ill mannered, intemperate and disgustingly bad taste that is exercised with such abandon on these few pages. But at least you are going to think we are humans beings.
PLAIN TEXT • TOP OF PAGE

amed after Charles Darwin, the inventor of evolution, the
Darwin Awards are like no other award scheme --- ever. Known
as ‘The Tossers’ Oscars,’ the Darwin Awards are the Golden
Globes of stupidity, ineptitude and sheer bad luck. Presented annually
to those who made their contribution to world evolution by removing
themselves from the gene pool in the most spectacularly stupid
fashion, the Darwin Awards are the world's first acknowledgement of
the unsuspecting pioneers of euthanasia who have led the race to top
themselves before it is even legal. Although the nominees never get to
see their awards -- they are, of course, awarded posthumously --
many cannot resist the lure of fame, fortune and a funeral.
...Death comes creeping, leaping, sneaking, falling on you from a high
place but it comes. In the case of Philippino ’plane highjacker,
Augusto, it was the last one that got him. Boarding a flight in Davao
City heading for Manila, Augusto thought he had a cunning scam lined
up. When the aircraft was in the air, he donned a ski mask and
swimming goggles, produced a gun and a hand grenade and
implemented his plan. He demanded that the aircraft return to Davao
City but the pilots convinced him that there was insufficient fuel.
Undaunted he robbed the passengers of around $25,000 worth of
money and trinkets. He then demanded that the pilots take the ‘plane
down to an altitude of 6,500 feet. When the correct altitude was
reached, Augusto strapped on a home-made parachute and
demanded that the flight attendants open the door and depressurise
the cabin. So far so good but -- oh dear -- here comes the first hitch:
the wind was so strong that he could not launch himself from the
open door. It took the push of an accommodating flight attendant to
get him on his way. As he left, he removed the pin from the grenade
and tossed it into the cabin. Ooopps! Hitch number two. With the
business end of the grenade still in his hands, he could not open his
parachute. As he plummeted towards the earth he had the good
sense to toss the grenade but his parachute was a lost cause; he
was moving too fast for it to have any effect. Augusto was one of the
winners of the 2000 Awards.
...Death by air came, also, to three cheeky Brazilians. The three
Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another
plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occup-
ants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and
crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants
around their ankles.
...‘Drugs kill,’ and that’s the truuuuth!. They certainly killed off a couple
of other winners of the Darwin Awards in the year 2000. It was a hot
night in South Carolina and Patricia and her boyfriend had been
partying on marijuana and booze. Deciding they needed a little fresh
air they climbed onto the roof of the inn in which they had a room. Tak-
ing pillows and blankets with them, they hopped over a guard rail and bedded down under the stars. Apparently Patricia was sound asleep when, just before dawn, she slid off the roof and fell to her death on the street below. When the police arrived, they found the boyfriend still sleeping on the roof. He lost his early morning erection when they told him the news.
...It was January in Ohio and the mercury was way down when the
Los Angeles Police Department got in touch with the state police to
seek their assistance in locating a missing truck driver and his load of
broccoli. When the stalled truck was found four days later with an
empty gas tank, there was no sign of the driver. When the truck had
been thawed out and refuelled, it was found to have no mechanical
problems. But the whereabouts of the driver remained a problem. The
police were particularly keen to return his personal effects to him but
probably not the seven bricks of marijuana that were among them. It
was only when they started to move the load of broccoli they found
him. As the pallets of broccoli were removed, they revealed two feet.
When the rest of the pallets were removed into the freezing Ohio
winter, the driver’s body was revealed. He was standing upside down
like a human popsicle in middle of the truck attached to the floor by
his frozen hair. Although it took a number of space heaters before he
could be detached from the floor, the still frozen corpse had to be
turned on its side to get it into the rescue vehicle due to a icy arm that
wouldn’t fit in the door. Further examination of the pallets of broccoli
revealed a stash of cocaine. It seems that the driver was trying to
retrieve the coke from among the pallets when he knocked himself
unconscious and rapidly succumbed to hypothermia in the sub-zero
temperatures.

BURNING BUSH --
..............A'MISUNDERESTIMATED' MAN

o tribute to human intelligence would be complete without
something about George Dubya Bush, President of the
United States of America. Diplomat, humanitarian,
peacemaker, social reformer and all round nice guy are
among the many things we will not be saying about Mr Bush. He is a
Texan, after all.
...Although some may regard George Dubya Bush as an imbecile
and general dingbat we believe that the reverse is true. His intellig-
ence is at such a high level that it is beyond our understanding. That
so much of what he says seems to be illiterate, inarticulate, uneduc-
ated, ill-informed, unknowledgeable, garbled or just plain stupid, is
merely a ruse to lull us into a false sense of insecurity. So subtle is
his game that few can see through it. And almost no one can see
through it sufficiently to appreciate the wit, wisdom and wacky hum-
our that underwrites his declarations. George Dubya Bush is no less
than a cunning Moriarty who is lulling us into a false sense of paranoia
by playing the fool.
...What we will be do-
ing is giving credit
where it is due. We
shall certainly be giv-
ing him all the credit
that is due to him for
his massive contri-
bution to the English
language. Few have
made a contribution
in the field of creative
language use as
George Dubya. Few
have taken the langu-
age further (into
oblivion.) We will also
be paying tribute to his
fine and penetrating
mind, his incisive wit
and intellectual focus and his manful manipulation of the confusion
factor. With a couple of pictures of Mr Bush at his best, we will wind-
up this unrestrained tribute with a pictorial essay showing the contri-
bution he has made in the field of primate research.
...It is quite hard to separate Mr Bush’s wonderful use of language
from his incredible ability not only to confuse but to appear confused
himself. What is clear is the great contribution he has made to
language in not only giving it some of its most alluring new words
but also by using it in a creative and poetic fashion. Amazingly, until
Mr Bush, such words as ‘misunderestimated,’ ‘uninalienable,’
‘embetterment,’ ‘nuanced,’ ‘subliminable,’ ‘hopefuller’ and ‘hispanic-
ally’ did not exist.

..."They misunderestimated me." Bentonville, Ark., Nov. 6, 2000

..."We hold dear what our Declaration of Independence says, that
...all have got uninalienable rights, endowed by a Creator."
...May 24, 2002, to community and religious leaders in Moscow

..."The federal government and the state government must not fear
...programs who change lives, but must welcome those faith-based
...programs for the embetterment of mankind."
...Stockton, Calif., Aug. 23, 2002

...“You saw the president yesterday. I thought he was very forward-
...leaning, as they say in diplomatic nuanced circles." July 23, 2001,
...referring to his meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin

..."I don't think we need to be subliminable about the differences
...between our views on prescription drugs." Orlando, Fla., Sept. 12,
...2000

..."The idea of putting subliminable messages into ads is ridiculous."
...Sept. 2000

..."I want it to be said that the Bush administration was a results-
...oriented administration, because I believe the results of focusing
...our attention and energy on teaching children to read and having
...an education system that's responsive to the child and to the
...parents, as opposed to mired in a system that refuses to change,
...will make America what we want it to be — a more literate country
...and a hopefuller country." Jan. 11, 2001

..."A lot of times in the rhetoric, people forget the facts. And the facts
...are that thousands of small businesses — Hispanically owned or
...otherwise — pay taxes at the highest marginal rate."
...March 19, 2001, speaking to the Hispanic Chamber of Commerce

...While he has given us some new words he has taken away some
from other languages: As Bush told UK Premier, Tony Blah, when
they were discussing the decline of the French economy: “The prob-
lem with the French is that they don't have a word for entrepreneur.”
...It is, however, in his beautifully poetic use of existing words and in
his consummate wordplay that G. Dubya really shines. Here are
some examples:

..."What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas
...they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they
...delineate, quotas, I think vulcanize society. So I don't know how
...that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions,
...but that's my position.'' as quoted by Molly Ivins, the San Francisco
...Chronicle, Jan. 21, 2000

TIPPING THE SCALES the best Bush/Gore joke At a press conference today, Tipper Gore announced that she's going back on the campaign trail with her husband, former Vice President Al Gore. "To prepare myself," she said, "I have shaved off all of my pubic hair. From now until the election, I shall sit on the stage with the former Vice President and may occasionally flash the audience. This will send a very strong message to America." "And, what is that message?" asked aston-ished reporters at this rather startling announcement. To which Tipper replied: "Read my lips -- no more Bush."

..."I thought how proud I
am to be standing up
beside my dad. Never
did it occur to me that
he would become the
gist for cartoonists."
...Newsweek, Feb. 28,
2000

..."Families is where
our nation finds hope,
where wings take
dream." LaCrosse,
Wis., Oct. 18, 2000

..."I am mindful not
only of preserving
executive powers for
myself, but for my
predecessors as well."
Washington, D.C.,
Jan. 29, 2001

..."Well, I think if you say
...you're going to do something and don't do it, that's trustworthiness."
...in a CNN online chat, Aug. 30, 2000

..."It was just inebriating what Midland was all about then." reflecting
...in 1994 about growing up in Midland, Texas

..."There's no question that the minute I got elected, the storm clouds
...on the horizon were getting nearly directly overhead." May 11, 2001

..."Will the highways
on the Internet be-
come more few?"
Concord, N.H., Jan.
29, 2000

..."If the terriers and
bariffs are torn down, this economy will grow." Jan. 2000

..."Our priorities is our
faith." Greensboro,
N.C., Oct. 10, 2000

..."I promise you I will
listen to what has been
said here, even though
I wasn't here." speak-
...ing at the President's Economic Forum in Waco, Texas, Aug. 13,
...2002

..."The fact that he relies on facts — says things that are not factual —
...are going to undermine his campaign." speaking about Al Gore,
...New York Times, March 4, 2000

..."Unfairly but truthfully, our party has been tagged as being against
...things. Anti-immigrant, for example. And we're not a party of anti-
...immigrants. Quite the opposite. We're a party that welcomes people."
. .Cleveland, July 1, 2000

..."Laura and I are proud to call John and Michelle Engler our friends.
...I know you're proud to call him governor. What a good man the
...Englers are." Nov. 2000

..."The law I sign today directs new funds and new focus to the task
...of collecting vital intelligence on terrorist threats and on weapons
...of mass production." Washington, D.C., Nov. 27, 2002

..."One of the common denominators I have found is that expectat-
...ions rise above that which is expected." Los Angeles, Sept. 27,
...2000

..."There's no cave deep enough for America, or dark enough to hide."
...Oklahoma City, Aug. 29, 2002

...“Redefining the role of the United States from enablers to keep
...the peace to enablers to keep the peace from peacekeepers is
...going to be an assignment." Jan. 14, 2001

...“When Iraq is liberated, you will be treated, tried and persecuted
...as a war criminal." Washington, D.C., Jan. 22, 2003

..."I think we agree, the past is over." on his meeting with John
...McCain, Dallas Morning News, May 10, 2000

..."See, we love — we love freedom. That's what they didn't under-
...stand. They hate things; we love things. They act out of hatred; we
...don't seek revenge, we seek justice out of love." Oklahoma City,
...Aug. 29, 2000

...As we said earlier, it is difficult to separate the wit from the wisdom and the confused from the confusion. The sparkling gem-like quality of G. Dubya’s incisive and satiric wit sometimes gets muddied in what appears to be confusion or even stupidity. But do not be fooled, behind the bumbling and the stumbling it is a true fool that is doing the fooling.

..."I couldn't imagine somebody like Osama bin Laden understand-
...ing the joy of Hanukkah." at a White House Menorah lighting cere-
...mony, Washington, D.C., Dec. 10, 2001

..."You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a
...literacy test.'' Feb. 21, 2001

..."The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my
...case." Pella, Iowa, as quoted by the San Antonio Express-News,
...Jan. 30, 2000

..."It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it." ...Reuters, May
...5, 2000

..."I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." Saginaw,
...Mich., Sept. 29, 2000

..."I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." Greater
...Nashua, N.H. Chamber of Commerce, Jan. 27, 2000

..."They want the federal government controlling Social Security like
...it's some kind of federal program." Nov. 2, 2000

..."I was proud the other day when both Republicans and Democrats
...stood with me in the Rose Garden to announce their support for a
...clear statement of purpose: you disarm, or we will."
...speaking about Saddam Hussein, Manchester, N.H., Oct. 5, 2002

And that final pithy one-liner:

..."It is white." when asked by a child in Britain what the White House
...was like, July 19, 2001

...Concentrating on the fun side of Mr Bush is all very well. It would, however, be remiss to ignore the more serious side of this world leader, senior statesman and (as he would probably say himself) roll model. As he steers the course of world affairs, it is vital that he is totally informed about international matters, has a complete grasp of the dynamics involved and has his fig biscuit on the pulse of national and world reaction.

..."Do you have blacks, too?" to Brazilian President Fernando
...Cardoso, Nov. 8, 2001

..."My trip to Asia begins here in Japan for an important reason. It
...begins here because for a century and a half now, America and
...Japan have formed one of the great and enduring alliances of
...modern times.” (Except for during World War II) “From that alliance
...has come an era of peace in the Pacific." (But not during World
...War II) Tokyo, Feb. 18, 2002

..."We spent a lot of time talking about Africa, as we should. Africa
...is a nation that suffers from incredible disease." at a news
...conference in Europe, June 14, 2001

..."I do remain confident in Linda. She'll make a fine labor secret-
...ary. From what I've read in the press accounts, she's perfectly
...qualified." commenting on Linda Chavez, Jan. 8, 2001

..."My administration has been calling upon all the leaders in the —
...in the Middle East to do everything they can to stop the violence,
...to tell the different parties involved that peace will never happen."
...Crawford, Texas, Aug, 13, 2001

..."I understand that the unrest in the Middle East creates unrest
....throughout the region." Washington, D.C., March 13, 2002

...And where, you might ask, does this intellectual dynamo get his information -- apart from through the auspices of the US Intelligence Service?

..."One of the great things about books is sometimes there are
...some fantastic pictures."

...Finally in this fulsome tribute, we must honour G. Dubya’s greatest skill -- his ability to confuse. As you read the quotes below, it might seem like he is the one who is confused. Think again. It is you who is the confused one. Isn’t it?

..."That's a chapter, the last chapter of the 20th, 20th, the 21st
...century that most of us would rather forget. The last chapter of
...the 20th century. This is the first chapter of the 21st century. "on
...the Monica Lewinsky scandal, Arlington Heights, Ill., Oct. 24, 2000

..."And so, in my State of the — my State of the Union — or state
...— my speech to the nation, whatever you want to call it, speech
...to the nation — I asked Americans to give 4,000 years — 4,000
...hours over the next — the rest of your life — of service to America.
...That's what I asked — 4,000 hours." ...Bridgeport, Conn., April 9,
...2002

..."I think the American people — I hope the American — I don't think,
...let me — I hope the American people trust me."
...Washington, D.C., Dec. 18, 2002

......"I'm a patient man. And when I say I'm a patient man, I mean
...I'm a patient man. Nothing he [Saddam Hussein] has done has
...convinced me — I'm confident the Secretary of Defense — that
...he is the kind of fellow that is willing to forgo weapons of mass
...destruction, is willing to be a peaceful neighbour, that is — will
...honour the people — the Iraqi people of all stripes, will — values
...human life. He hasn't convinced me, nor has he convinced my
...administration." Crawford, Texas, Aug. 21, 2002

...“There's a lot of people in the Middle East who are desirous to
...get into the Mitchell process. And — but first things first. The —
...these terrorist acts and, you know, the responses have got to
...end in order for us to get the framework — the groundwork —
...not framework, the groundwork to discuss a framework for peace,
...to lay the — all right." referring to former Sen. George Mitchell's
...report on Middle East peace, Crawford, Texas, Aug. 13, 2001

..."We are fully committed to working with both sides to bring the level
...of terror down to an acceptable level for both." after a meeting with
...congressional leaders, Washington, D.C., Oct. 2, 2001

..."Well, it's an unimaginable honour to be the president during the
...Fourth of July of this country. It means what these words say, for
...starters. The great inalienable rights of our country. We're blessed
...with such values in America. And I — it's — I'm a proud man to be
...the nation based upon such wonderful values." visiting the Jefferson
...Memorial, Washington, D.C., July 2, 2001

..."But the true threats to stability and peace are these nations that
...are not very transparent, that hide behind the—that don't let people
...in to take a look and see what they're up to. They're very kind of

PRIMATE OF THE MONTH

When George Bush talks about preserving power for his predecessors, maybe he is telling us more than we can possibly understand. Maybe, indeed, George Bush is his predecessors. What other reason could there be for the massive contribution he has made to advancing primate research. As our extensive gallery of photographs shows, he is a unique research subject. To view the gallery, click on the picture above. To facilitate faster downloading, the gallery is in three parts. Each part opens in a new window on top of this one.

...authoritarian regimes.
...The true threat is
...whether or not one of
...these people.decide,
...peak.of anger,.try to
...hold us hostage, our-
...selves; the Israelis, for
...example, to whom
...we'll defend, offer our
...defenses; the South
...Koreans." in a media
...roundtable discussion,
...March 13, 2001

..."If a person doesn't
...have the capacity
...that we all want that
...person to have,
...suspect hope is in
...the far distant future,
...if at all." May 22, 2001

...What a man! What a
giant of intellect. What a
colossus of wit. What a
master of confusion. But
wait, hold hard and stop.
What is behind the great
statesman’s Machiavell-
ian manipulation of the
world psyche? Is there a
serious purpose behind
his joshing and jokes,
behind the confusion
and tomfoolery? We can
only conjecture. But
even the cleverest mask
must occasionally slip.
Let us offer you, there-
fore, one last quote:

..."If this were a dictator-
...ship, it would be a heck
...of a lot easier — so.long
...as I'm the dictator." Dec
...19, 2000


THE MIND OF MARKETING --
......................YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED