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............................... |
MR AND MISS OGYNY
The trouble with Political Correctness is that it takes all the fun out of life while making those who are different or deficient feel okay about themselves. And what good is that? It is vital in life to ‘know thy self.’ It is a good maxim provided one has the ability to know oneself, the objectivity to see oneself in real terms and the resilience to deal with the gruesome picture that is revealed. If not, it is a pretty empty maxim. It does not, however, preclude drawing attention to the very things that make us different. And many of us need such help. Not only that. It also withdraws the option for those of us who feel the need to do so, to assert, defend or justify what we are through comparison with those less fortunate.
...But essentially it is the absence of the fun element is that most disturbing. I mean it used to be fun to be a man, to assert one’s ascendancy over women, one’s intellectual superiority, one’s trouser size. It was all part of putting a protective arm around the little woman, tying her apron into a nice bow and giving her a shirt to iron. But none of that is allowed any more. This is a gender-less society. There are no men or women any more. Only ‘persons.’ Persons with penises and persons who wish they had penises.
...See, already we are slipping into the old sexist thought patterns. Could that be because they are instinctive? One might even say ‘genetic?’ To deny the gender gap is to ignore some very basic physiological evidence that says: ‘Don’t do it.’ Although women might not have penises, they do have small feet so that they can stand to closer to the sink. How about that for evidence.
...So, anyway, cutting this sexist crap and getting down to some real gender bending, it is time to resurr-ect some of the old attitudes and celebrate the fact that we are men. (Ladies, you’ll get your chance later. For now, maybe you would like to pop into the bathroom for a few minutes. We’ll see you on Thursday.)
...The differences between the sexes are vast and unbridgeable but at least we’ll never have to fake an orgasm. And that biological clock? For us it does not tick. Ever wondered just how many reasons there are for being grateful you are a man? Not ten, not twenty, not even fifty, but we can give you 108 reasons why it is great being a guy. Who says size doesn’t matter?
....1. Phone conversations last 30 seconds.
....2. You know useful stuff about tanks and aeroplanes.
....3. Queues for the loo are 80% shorter.
....4. You don't have to lug a bag of "necessary" items with you everywhere you go.
....5. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
....6. You never have to clean the toilet.
....7. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
....8. Chocolate is just another snack.
....9. Flowers (or duct tape) fix everything.
..10. You never have to worry about anyone else's feelings.
..11. Same work - more pay.
..12. If you don't call your friend when you say you will, he won't tell everyone that
........you've changed.
..13. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
..14. You can actually drive a car.
..15. Even in a crowded car park.
..16. You don't need a second opinion to know if your bum looks big in what you're
........wearing.
..17. You can buy the first thing you see without having to come back three hours
........later.
..18. Match of the Day.
..19. You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.
..20. You can open all your own jars.
..21. Old friends don't give you a hard time if you've lost or gained weight.
..22. Dry cleaners and hairdressers don't rob you blind.
..23. When channel surfing, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
..24. Your bum and your chest are never factors in job interviews
..25. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
..26. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
..27. You can go the toilet without a support group.
..28. Your last name stays put.
..29. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
..30. When your work is criticised, you don't have to panic that everyone.secretly
........hates you.
..31. You can kill your own food.
..32. The garage is yours, all yours.
..33. Baywatch.
..34. You can't get pregnant.
..35. You can fart with impunity.
..36. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
..37. Sex means never having to worry about your reputation.
..38. You can get to places on time.
..39. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
..40. Timetables and fax machines don't confuse you.
..41. You understand why Beavis and Butthead is funny.
..42. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
..43. You don't have to shave below your neck.
..44. People aren't talking about you all the time.
..45. If you're 34 and single, nobody gives a toss.
..46. You can write your name in the snow.
..47. You don't have to bother having a proper conversation with your mates down
........the pub.
..48. Everything on your face stays its original colour.
..49. You can get through a day off work without daytime television.
..50. The offside rule is not a mystery.to..you.
..51. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
..52. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours (and 100% of your
........sleeping hours.)
..53. You can wear a white shirt in the rain.
..54. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough for most of your life.
..55. You can boast about the number of people you've slept with.
..56. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
..57. Foreplay is optional.
..58. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
..59. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk in the room.
..60. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
..61. You don't have to clean your flat if the meter reader is coming by.
..62. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
..63. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
..64. You don't give a toss if no one notices your new haircut.
..65. You can watch a game in silence with a friend for hours without ever thinking,
........"He must be mad at me".
..66. The world is your urinal.
..67. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to
........leave you.
..68. You can play and enjoy computer games other than Tetris.
..69. Hot wax never comes near you.
..70. One mood, all the time.
..71. You can admire Tim Roth without starving yourself to look like him.
..72. You can remember the punch lines to jokes.
..73. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
..74. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
..75. Grey hair and wrinkles add character.
..76. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
..77. Wedding Dress: $1000; Morning suit hire: $50.
..78. You can vomit without being accused of bulimia.
..79. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15
........tries - at least in theory, and trying would be fun.
..80. You don't mooch off your friends' desserts.
..81. If you retain water, it's in a glass.
..82. The remote is yours and yours alone.
..83. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
..84. You can sit in a pub on your own without sad baskets trying to cop off with
........you.
..85. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
..86. Stag nights are much more fun than Hen nights.
..87. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
..88. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
..89. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" when you go to the loo.
..90. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
..91. You can rationalise any behaviour with the handy phrase, "Stuff it!"
..92. If another bloke shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become
........best mates.
..93. You can teach your friend's children swear words.
..94. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
..95. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
..96. You think the idea of putting a cat in a tumble drier is funny.
..97. If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and
........throw.it across the room.
..98. A week's holiday requires only one suitcase.
..99. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
100. You can run without looking like a complete spacka.
101. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So . . . notice anything
........different?"
102. You can play football instead of going to a family bash - and not feel guilty.
103. Bleeding doesn't come with a mood change or a chocolate fetish.
104. Not bleeding isn't a problem.
105. Throwing / catching objects is possible.
106. Blow jobs!
107. Nobody ever wonders if you swallow
108. Not liking a person doesn't exclude having great sex with them. |
...It is not, of course, that men are defensive or have something to prove, merely that they have so much to celebrate. That women are incapable of fully appreciating the joy of casual sex with people one doesn’t even like, is their loss. But we can dream. One of many dreams. You can wait forever -- dream in, dream on -- but there are some things you are never going to hear a woman say. ‘Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of being just friends.’ ‘My, what an attractive scrotum.’ ‘I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.’ When was the last time a woman said anything like that?
...Communication between the sexes has never been great. Men say one thing but women hear something completely different. Even when men say nothing, women hear something completely different. To help you deal with this we have started to collect together some gender-based definitions of common words and phrases. Here are a few:
...THINGY (thing-ee) n. 1. female: Any part under a car's bonnet. 2. male : The strap fastener
...on a woman's.bra.
...LESBIAN (lez-bee-an) n. 1. female: A woman who makes love to other women. 2. male: A
...woman who has sex with other women so men can watch.
...VULNERABLE (vuln-er-abel) adj. 1. female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to
...another. 2. male : Playing cricket without a box.
...REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht-kon-trohl) n. 1. female: A device for changing from one TV
...channel to another. 2. male : A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 minutes.
...COMMUNICATION (ko-muu-ni-kay-shon) n. 1. female: The open.sharing of thoughts and
...feelings with one's partner. 2. male : Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a
...weekend with the lads.
...BUM (bum) n. 1. female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes look
...bigger. 2. male: The organ for mooning (and farting).
...COMMITMENT (kom-it-ment) n. 1. female: A desire to get married and raise a family. 2.
...male : Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.
...ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. 1. female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
...2. male: Sex
...FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. 1. female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion. 2. male:
...An endless source of entertainment, self expression and male bonding.
...MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. 1. female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple
...can achieve. 2. male : What women do while the man is shagging.
...It is a three way stretch, the way the differences between the sexes express themselves. Men with men is one thing, women with women is another thing but put men and women together and you are creating what is potentially a monster of incompatibilities. Let us take two gender test groups and send them out for dinner. Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose throughout the meal. The boys -- Mike, Charlie, Bob and John -- will, however, refer affectionately to each other as Fat Boy, Peanut-Head, Godzilla and Scrappy. When the bill comes the boys will each throw in $ 20 although the total bill is only $32.50 because none of them has anything smaller and none will actually admit to wanting change back. When the girls’ bill comes, they will get out their pocket calculators. At the end of the meal, the guys will go for a quick slash and then it’s into the nearest bar to refill their bladders. The girls will also go to the bathroom but they will stay for three quarters of an hour doing God knows what and then head for a nice wine bar. By the time they are cracking their first bottle of Chardonnay, the boys will be into their sixth pint and will be just about ready to fight anyone or sleep with anything. By 11.00, the girls will be a little tipsy and the boys will be mooning buses on the high road outside the wine bar. See? Quite a difference.
...Nowhere are the differences between men and women more profoundly obvious than in their bathroom habits. Let us compare. A man, in his bathroom, will have seven items -- a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, shampoo and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in a woman’s bathroom is 337 most of which would be unidentifiable for a man. But it goes further than that.
How To Shower Like a Woman:
...• Take off clothing and place in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
...• Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover
... exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom. Look at your womanly physique in mirror and
...stick out gut so you can complain and whine even more about getting fat.
...• Get in shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice
... stone.
...• Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
...• Wash hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
...• Condition hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil.
... Leave on hair for fifteen minutes. Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten
... minutes until red raw.
...• Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
...• Rinse conditioner off hair (taking at least fifteen minutes to make sure it has all come off).
...• Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
...• Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and you lose the water pressure.
...• Turn off shower.
...• Squeegee all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with Tilex.
...• Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African Country.
...• Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel. Check entire body for remotest sign of a zit.
... Attack with nails/tweezers if found.
...• Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
...• If you see husband along the way, cover up exposed areas, then rush to bedroom to spend
... an hour and a half getting dressed.
How To Shower Like A Man:
...• Take off clothes while sitting on edge of bed and leave them in a pile.
...• Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake.cock at her and
...make "woo" sound.
...• Look at manly physique in mirror and suck in gut to see if you have pecs (no).
...• Admire size of cock in the mirror, scratch arse and smell fingers for one last whiff.
...• Get in the shower. Don't bother to look for washcloth (you don't use one).
...• Wash face, then armpits. Crack up at how loud fart sounds in the shower.
...• Wash privates and surrounding area. Wash arse, leaving hair on the bar of soap.
...• Shampoo hair (do not use conditioner).
...• Make a shampoo Mohawk.
...• Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
...• Piss (in the shower).
...• Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on floor because you left curtain
...hanging out of tub the whole time. Partially dry off.
...• Look at self in the mirror, flex muscles.
...• Admire cock size again.
...• Leave shower curtain open, wet bath mat on floor. Leave bathroom fan and light on.
...• Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel,
...grab your cock, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her.
...• Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.
...Oh dear, us guys didn’t emerge too well out of that one. But we did emerge not being much older than when we went in. Which is more than most of the ladies can say.
...And that is the trouble, for the picture we have of ourselves in not quite the same as the picture women have of us. Let us take our comparison further and compare what constitutes a perfect day for both of the sexes. First the ladies:
THE PERFECT DAY
FOR HER
...08:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses;
...08:30 Weigh in 2kg lighter than yesterday;
...08:45 Breakfast in bed, freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants, presents - expensive
...jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner;
...09:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil;
...10:00 Light work out at club with handsome funny personal trainer;
...12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe;
...13:00 Catch sight of husband/boy.friend's ex and notices she has gained 7kg;
...15:00 Nap;
...16:00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist, card is from secret admirer;
...16:15 Light work out at club, followed by massage from strong but gentle hunk who says
...he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body;
...17:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe, parade before full length mirror;
...19:30 Candle lit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other
...diners/dancers;
...10:00 Hot shower (alone)
...10:50 Carried to bed . . . (freshly ironed, crisp, new white linen);
...11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling;
...11:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms.
FOR HIM
...06:00 Alarm;
...06:15 Blow job;
...06:30 Massive satisfying dump while reading the sports section;
...07:00 Breakfast, rump steak and eggs, coffee and toast all cooked by buxom wench;
...07:30 Limo arrives;
...07:45 Several whisky's en route to airport;
...09:15 Flight in personal Lear jet;
...09:30 Limo to Riverside Oaks golf club (blow job en route);
...09:45 Play front nine (2 under);
.. 11:45 Lunch. Pie, chips and gravy, 3 lagers and bottle of Don Perignon;
.. 12:15 Blow job;
...12:30 Play back nine (4 under);
...14:15 Limo back to airport (several whisky's);
...14:30 Fly to Monte Carlo;
...15:30 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female crew (all nude);
...16:30 Land world record Marlin (1,800 lbs on light tackle);
...17:00 Fly home, massage and hand job by Elle McPherson;
...18:45 Shit, shower and shave;
...19:00 Watch news: Michael Jackson assassinated, marijuana and porn legalised;
...19:30 Dinner, lobster appetisers, Don Perignon (1953), big juicy steak followed by ice
...cream served on a pair of tits;
...21:00 Napoleon brandy and Cohuna cigar in front of wall size TV as you watch international
...rugby, England beating the All Blacks 50 - 0;
...21:30 Line of coke, sex with three women (all with lesbian tendencies);
...23:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snack and cleansing ale;
...23:30 A nightcap blow job;
...23:45 In bed alone;
...23:50 A 12 second fart which changes pitch 4 times and forces the dog.to leave the room.
...The problem, loathed as we are to admit it, is that it is hard to get a lot of stuff past women. Some they may fall for but a lot just doesn’t work. It is indicative of the attitude women have towards themselves and men that they have no lists detailing the joys of being a woman. All their lists deal with men. Indeed, they seem almost as obsessed with men as men are with themselves. Although us boys might be celebrating our gender, we rarely take vicarious stabs at the opposite sex. As gentlemen should, we might make the odd gentle mild-mannered comment about a feminine trait but we never slag them off. Indeed, they usually come out of our lists covered in roses. If you scan the lists above, you will find almost no put-downs of women; we save the put-downs for our own sex. Sadly the same can not be said of the lists that the ladies have. Admittedly there are not as many lists emanating from the ladies but, boy, what they lack in numbers they make up for in virulence.
...It used to be the men who had the chauvinist monopoly but now it is the turn of the ladies. What goes around comes around, as those who can’t resist stating the obvious say. Before, however, we give them their moment of glory, let us just spare a thought for the good old days when male chauvinism didn’t even have a name. Here are a few gems from those sunny days:
• How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
• Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never
be able to support you.
• How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me ."
• How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
• Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
• If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door,
who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
• I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.
• What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.
• Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%
It is called Wedding Cake.
• I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
• Marriage is a 3 ring circus:
Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, and Suffering.
• Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
• In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
• Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
• How does a man know when it is time to clean the house and do the washing up?
He looks inside his underpants; if he has a penis it isn’t time.
• What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.
...Good, huh? Sorry, I didn’t mean that. What I meant to say was: Oh how gauche and unsophisticated. Men have grown since those days. We recognise, in truth, that we love women and truly could not live without them (honestly) and would never wish to hurt their feelings. Nor would we wish them to think that we are in any way freaked out or screwed up by the battle of the sexes. We have no rancour, no vitriol, no acid criticisms. We have passed it on. It is our legacy to you, girls, use it well.
...It has to be said (and the ladies do say it) that many problems do start with men -- men-tal anxiety, men-opause, men-tal breakdown, to name just a few. But, hey, that is no reason to get vicious. At best they regard us as something akin to a fine wine. It is a comparison that is not hard to follow. We start out as grapes. They stomp us into pulp, drain us of our vital juices, keep us in the dark for as long as possible and hope that we will turn out to be something worth having dinner with.
...That, however, is about as mild as it comes. Prepare yourselves, lads, for you are in for a lambasting like no (innocent, sweet, loveable, cuddly, little) lamb has ever been basted before. Obviously incapable of coming up with any logical number, here are 27 (I mean twenty-seven? What sort of a number is that? Couldn’t make the full thirty, eh?) ‘witticisms’ concerning men.
................1. What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
................2. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your
................name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
................3. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would
................be Hell.
................4. Why do men like smart women? Opposites attract.
................5. How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit
................noxious odours, and half the time they don't work.
................6. How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your
................finger in between his neck and the noose.
................7. How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook - they eat; we clean - they
................dirty; we iron - they wrinkle.
................8. How do men exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they
................see a bikini.
................9. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
..............10. How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer
.............. instead of one.
..............11. How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs,
.............. breasts and thighs.
..............12. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? ONE ......... He just holds it
..............up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
..............13. What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
..............14. What do most men consider a ....gourmet restaurant? Any place with.out a drive-
..............up window.
..............15. What do you call a man with half a brain? Gifted.
..............16. What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how
..............to work it.
..............17. What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
..............18. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups? Put the remote control between
..............his toes.
..............19. What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man? Big Foot's been
..............spotted several times.
..............20. What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
..............21. Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them.
..............22. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have
..............a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
..............23. Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating? To stop the
..............snoring before it starts.
..............24. Why do men need instant replay on TV sports? Because after 30 seconds they
..............forget what happened.
..............25. Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg? Because not one will stop
..............and ask for directions.
..............26. Why is it good that there are female astronauts? When the crew gets lost in space,
..............at least the woman will ask for directions.
..............27. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women? When it's time to
..............go back to his childhood, he's already there.
...And here are a few more:
....1. Why do men become smarter during sex? Because they are plugged into a genius.
....2. Why don't women blink during foreplay? They don't have enough time.
....3.Why did god put men on earth? Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
....4. Why don't women have men's brains? Because they don't have penises to put them in.
....5. What do electric trains and breasts have in common? They're intended for children but
........men usually end up playing with them.
....6. Why do men snore when they lie on their backs? Because their balls fall over their ass-
........holes and they vapour lock.
....7. Why do men masturbate? It is sex with someone they love.
....8. Why were men given larger brains than dogs? So they won't hump women's legs at
........cocktail parties.
....9. Why is a man's pee yellow and his sperm white? So he can tell if he's coming or going.
..10. How many men does it take to put a toilet seat down? Nobody knows, since it has
........never happened.
...Where can those women have got the idea that men are so superficial, immature, shallow, gross, dim and dishonest? There can, of course, be only one place. And what can we say. It is a fact that while women can fake orgasms, men can fake whole relationships. And that’s the thruuuuth!
...Before we leave you to find your way through the gender blender for yourself. Here is one last piece. We do not know where it came from but could it be the delicate touch of a woman is to be found therein?
Italy has funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is wider than its shaft. The study took 2 years and cost over 180,000.000,000 lira. The results of the study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is wider was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex. After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the Italian study were incorrect. After three years of research and cost in excess of 250,000.000 francs they concluded that the head of a man's penis is wider than the shaft to provide the women with more pleasure during sex. When the results of the French study were released, the English decided to conduct their own study. The English didn't really trust the Italian or French studies. So after nearly three weeks of intensive research and at a cost of approx. £ 36, the English study came to the final conclusion that the reason the head on a man's penis is wider than its shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead.
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