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BACK TO PAGE TWENTY-TWO
COFFEEHOUSE CULTURE -- Issue 2
PAGE TWENTY-TWO; FEATURE (Part Two)
CONTINUED FROM PREVIOUS PAGE
CUNNING STUNTS
THE MIND OF MARKETING --
......................YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED Continued
...We are particularly fond of some of the UK’s labelling triumphs. Leading the field is giant grocers, Sainsbury. Their packets of peanuts include a warning stating ‘This product contains nuts’ and their mineralwater is, it seems, ‘suitable for vegetarians.’ Another and better known British shopping institution, Marks & Spencers, also do a particularly nice line in obvious labelling. Their bread and butter pudding warns: ‘Product will be hot after heating.’ The States also has its moments. Nabisco Easy Cheese (in a tube) contains the instruction: “For best results, remove cap.’ And we particularly like the Heinz Ketchup bottle that offers the instruction: ‘Put on food.’ And there we were considering adding a little savour to our sex lives.
...But they are only looking after our health. Clearly that is the concern of the Korean Kitchen Knife manufacturers who tell buyers of their knives to ‘Keep out of children’ and of the diving board maker who ships his boards with a slip saying: ‘All divers must land in water.’ But we do probably need the odd reminder. That is why some frozen meals feature the phrase: ‘Serving Suggestion - Defrost’ and a helmet-mounted mirror that is used by motor cyclists in the US features the words: ‘Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you.’ Some of the warnings, however, read more like user suggestions than warnings. We are not quite sure where the warning on a Sear’s hairdryer that says ‘Do not use while sleeping’ fits but we know another hairdryer manufacturer who says “Do not use in shower’ is absolutely right. But the air conditioner unit that advises: “Caution. Avoid dropping out of windows’ and the vacuum cleaner that includes the warning ‘Do not pick up gasoline or flammable liquids’ and follows it with ‘Do not use to pick up anything that is currently burning’ both propose some worthwhile suggestions for those who might aspire to a Darwin Award. Good advice, too, is to be found with a car fanbelt produced by one of the largest car accessory manufacturers: ‘Before installing this fanbelt, be sure you shut off the engine as it may cause irreversible injury..’ But it is not just machinery and electrical appliances that allow marketing men to astound us with their regard for our health. Around the home, too, they are giving a thought to you and yours. That is why they include the advice on Bowl Fresh lavatory freshener: ‘Safe to use around pets and children, although it is not recommended that either be permitted to drink from the toilet.’
...All the jokes about unintelligible VCR manuals are only funny until one buys a VCR with an unintelligible manual. Our own VCR manual is not only totally unintelligible, it is totally unintelligible in Dutch. It doesn’t help when you have things like computers telling you: “Keyboard not detected. Press any key to continue.’ But some in the new technology field are trying to do something about it. For example, the Lucent Technologies Model 6210 Telephone instruction book contains the following good advice’ To place or answer a call, lift the handset. To place a call, dial the desired number. To end the call, hang up the handset. To put a call on Hold: Press ‘Hold.’’ Also excellent advice but not for a particularly high tech product is the tampon instruction sheet in which the final step is: ‘Pull up underwear.’
...There are, of course, many strange warnings coming with foreign products but there are also some pretty strange ones going out on exports. A Korean made blanket includes the warning: ‘Not to be used as protection from a tornado.’ And a Swedish Chain Saw says; ‘Do not attempt to stop chain with hands or genitals.’ Okaaaay. It is not just on products coming out of foreign parts that strange labelling exists. We give ‘em some of our best. For example, in some countries on the bottom of Coke bottles it says: ‘Open other end.’
VIRTUAL STUPIDITY --
..TURN PC TO PC BUT THERE IS NO EC
Love ‘em, hate ‘em, don’t understand ‘em but can’t live without ‘em. Computers, dear reader. We are talking about computers. On the entry page to this site (and, indeed, on our posters and flyers) it says: “For people who enjoy the best things in life but own a computer anyway.’ And isn’t that the way of it for most of us. For some, the computer can be a joy. For others it's a toy. Or a library. Or a workhorse. A friend. A matchmaker. A business. A substitute for actually having to go out and talk to real people. It is many things to many people. But not all of them are good. For some it is a fiend, a grey clad electronic devil, a cunning temptress who turns into a prick-teaser. But for many it just a simple source of frustration, confusion and unfulfilled potential.
...As with the whole of this column, our purpose here is not to draw your attention to your failure to come to terms with new technology but to give you something to feel superior about. To this end, here are some of the best computer stories we’ve found.
.........A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that's a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."
.........Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
..Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob.”
Customer: "What do you mean?"
..Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob.”
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"
.........This guy calls in to complain that he gets an "Access Denied" message every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his username and password in capital letters. Tech Support: "OK, let's try once more, but use lower case letters." Customer: "Ooh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."
........."Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"
............"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
........."What sort of trouble?"
............"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words
............went away."
........."Went away?"
............"They disappeared."
........."Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
............"Nothing."
........."Nothing?"
............"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
........."Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
............"How do I tell?"
........."Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
............"What's a sea-prompt?"
........."Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
............"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I
............type."
........."Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
............"What's a monitor?
........."It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it
............have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
............"I don't know."
.........."Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the
............power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
............"Yes, I think so."
........."Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged
............into the wall."
............"Yes, it is."
........."When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there
............were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
............"No."
........."Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find
............the other cable."
............"Okay, here it is."
........."Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the
............back of your computer."
............"I can't reach."
........."Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
............"No."
........."Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way
............over?"
............"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because
............it's dark."
........."Dark?"
............"Yes -- the light is off, and the only light I have is coming in
............from the window."
........."Well, turn on the light then."
............"I can't."
........."No? Why not?"
............"Because there's a power failure."
........."A power ... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked
............now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing
............stuff your computer came in?"
............"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
........."Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up
............just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store
............you bought it from."
............"Really? Is it that bad?"
........."Yes, I'm afraid it is."
............"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
........."Tell them that you're too fucking stupid to own a computer."
...One of the great things about computers is that everyone uses them - black, white, yellow, straight, gay, well-formed or deformed, tall or short, it doesn’t matter. The same goes for nationalities. Computers are used by just about every nationality. The good thing about the international thing is that it gives us the opportunity to combine our xenophobia with our technophobia. Rab C. Nesbit fans watch out.
...(Anglo-American Cultural Note: Rab C. Nesbit is a character in a popular British satire about the life of an unemployed drunkard in Glasgow. Glasgow is a city in Sco’land. Traditionally one of the poorest cities in the UK, it has high levels of alcoholism, drug use and unemployment but is renowned for a cultural heritage that goes back at least as far as Billy Connolly and but is really only about pubs. Glaswegian is a dialect that sounds like a whole language.)
This is an announcement from the Microsoft Corporation:
‘It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Glasgow edition of Windows 2000 may have accidentally been shipped outside Glasgow. If you have one of the Glasgow editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The Glasgow edition may be recognised by looking at the opening screen. It reads Windaes 2000 with a background picture of a Buckfast bottle superimposed on a Clydebank flag. It is shipped with a Buckfast screen saver.
If these clues are insufficient to identify your copy of Windows 2000.
Please also note:
...The Recycle Bin is labelled ‘Oot tae fuck.’
...Dialup Networking is called ‘Ma Mates.’
...Control Panel is known as ‘How Tae Fuck Aboot
Wi The ...Settins’
...Hard Drive is referred to as ‘Big Disk.’
...Floppies are known as ‘Them Wee Plastic Bastards.’
The Windaes 2000 package also include a number of changes to dialog boxes and buttons:
Also note that c 2000 does not recognise capital letters or punctuation marks.
Some programs that are exclusive to Windaes 2000:
Tiperiter = a word processor;
........Cullerin book = a graphics program;
........Addin’ mershene = calculator;
........Scratch paper = notepad (usually unused);
........Sounds = CD player;
........Porn = Microsoft Internet Explorer;
........Pikchers = a graphics viewer;
........Dole money = M/S accounting software;
........Sellik = a spreadsheet of Celtic F.C.'s recent scores.
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a
copy of the Glasgow edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.’
...While we’re on the subject of nationalities and computers, here is the Irish Virus:
.........‘Hello,
.................. I'm a virus from Ireland. Please forward this email to all the contacts in your personal address book. Then delete all the files on your hard disk. That's grand, t’anks very much.’
...Well, it’s better than blowing people up. Although those who have had the virus experience -- which means everyone who doesn’t own a Macintosh -- might feel differently. Although in the final analysis, the overwhelming volume of the voice of the bomb victims must win, viruses are one of the curses of modern civilisation. The trouble is that they get more and more sophisticated. Here are some of the latest viruses to set your paranoia racing:
CLINTON VIRUS
Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.
VIAGRA VIRUS
Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
LEWINSKY VIRUS
Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails everyone about what it did.
RONALD REAGAN VIRUS
Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
MIKE TYSON VIRUS
Quits after two bytes.
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS
Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100MB, then slowly expands to 200 MB
DISNEY VIRUS
Everything in your computer goes Goofy.
PROZAC VIRUS
Screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS
Terminates some files, leaves, but it will be BAAAAACK.
LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS
Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.
...And finally in the data day section of Cunning Stunts, what should be the greatest segue ever -- if only we can get the Mr and Miss Oginy column near.
An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language. He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she".
...One of the students raised their hand and asked, "What "gender" is a computer?" The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
...The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
......1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
......2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
......3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half
......the time they ARE the problem.
......4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had
......waited a little longer, you
......could have had a better model.
...The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should
......definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
......1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
......2. The native language they use to communicate with other
......computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
......3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term
......memory for later retrieval.
......4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find
......yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.
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