BACK TO PAGE TWENTY-TWO
COFFEEHOUSE CULTURE -- Issue 2
PAGE TWENTY-TWO; FEATURETTES, BOXES & SHORTS
PUN-ISHMENTS No 4
Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, and produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
PUN-ISHMENTS No 5
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
PUN-ISHMENTS No 6
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
THE MISSING WARNING
One warning that every product should have on it is: Keep away from idiots. But some things are just . . . . kinda obvious. Arent they? Apparantly not to every one, it would seem.
...In Philadelphia a woman is suing the pharmacy that sold her a popular contraceptive jelly - because she ate the stuff on toast and got pregnant anyway. And, incredibly, many legal experts are saying she's got an excellent chance of collecting! "The woman is a complete idiot," said one attor- ney who asked that we not use his name. "How bright can you be if you think eating a vaginal gel will prevent conception? "But certain aspects of the case involve truth in labelling and false advertising issues. She may not collect but she'll make a lot of noise and trouble. People are down on lawyers anyway. They think we waste time and money on frivolous lawsuits. This isn't going to help our public relations any."
...A spokesman for the unnamed mom-and-pop drugstore says he's shocked and angry that such a case could ever be taken seriously. "All she has to do is open the box and read the directions," says the spokesman. "Next thing you know someone will come after us because they couldn't stick things together with their toothpaste. "I can just imagine some moron saying: 'It's paste, isn't it? Why can't I glue these papers onto my bulletin board?' "But attorneys for Mrs. Chyton say she was swindled and lied to by implication and they intend to make the pharmacy pay $500,000 for the hardship the woman will have to endure.
..."It says right on it 'jelly,'" says Mrs. Chyton, a former model who was once a cheerleader for a popular professional basketball team. "And they kept it on the shelf just two aisles from the food section. I know, now, that the directions say it should be used vaginally with a condom. "But who has time to sit around reading directions these days - especially when you're sexually aroused? "The company should call it some- thing else and the pharmacy shouldn't sell it without telling each and every customer who buys it that eating it won't prevent you from getting pregnant." As bizarre as it sounds, the pharmacy could wind up losing the lawsuit.
..."It's hard for businesses to avoid troublesome lawsuits," said another attorney. "With the courts bending over backwards to please consumer groups, the temper of the times is perfect for these crackpots to bring legal action against businesses - even a moronic legal action like this."