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....PLAIN TEXT

PUN-ISHMENTS
NUMBER 4
Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, and produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

he trouble with Political Correctness is that it takes all
the fun out of life while making those who are different or deficient feel okay about themselves. And what good is that? It is vital in life to ‘know thy self.’ It is a good maxim provided one has the ability to know oneself, the objectivity to see oneself in real terms and the resilience to deal with the gruesome picture that is revealed. If not, it is a pretty empty maxim. It does not, however, preclude drawing attention to the very things that make us different. And many of us need such help. Not only that. It also withdraws the option for those of us who feel the need to do so, to assert, defend

...That, however, is about as mild as it comes. Prepare yourselves, lads,
for you are in for a lambasting like no (innocent, sweet, loveable, cuddly, little) lamb has ever been basted before. Obviously incapable of coming up with any logical number, here are 27 (I mean twenty-seven? What sort of a number is that?

or justify what we are through comparison with those less fortunate.
...But essentially it is the absence of the fun element is that most disturb-ing. I mean it used to be fun to be a man, to assert one’s ascendancy over women, one’s intellectual superior-ity, one’s trouser size. It was all part of putting a protective arm around the little woman, tying her apron into a nice bow and giving her a shirt to iron. But none of that is allowed any more. This is a gender-less society. There are no men or women any more. Only ‘persons.’ Persons with penises and persons who wish they had penises.
...See, already we are slipping into the old sexist thought patterns. Could that be because they are instinctive? One might even say ‘genetic?’ To deny the gender gap is to ignore some very basic physiolog-ical evidence that says: ‘Don’t do it.’ Although women might not have penises, they do have small feet so that they can stand to closer to the sink. How about that for evidence.

.
... whisky's);
...14:30 Fly to Monte Carlo;
...15:30 Late afternoon fishing excurs-
...ion with all female crew (all nude);
...16:30 Land world record Marlin
...(1,800 lbs on light tackle);
...17:00 Fly home, massage and hand
...job by Elle McPherson;
...18:45 Shit, shower and shave;
...19:00 Watch news: Michael Jackson
...assassinated, marijuana and porn
...legalised;
...19:30 Dinner, lobster appetisers,
...Don Perignon (1953), big juicy steak
...followed by ice cream served on a
...pair of tits;
...21:00 Napoleon brandy and Cohuna
...cigar in front of wall size TV as you
...watch international rugby, England
...beating the All Blacks 50 - 0;
...21:30 Line of coke, sex with three
...women (all with lesbian tendencies);
...23:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with
...tasty pizza snack and cleansing ale;
...23:30 A nightcap blow job;
...23:45 In bed alone;
...23:50 A 12 second fart which chan-

Couldn’t make the full thirty, eh?) ‘witticisms’ concerning men.

....1. What do you call a handcuffed
....man? Trustworthy.
....2. What does it mean when a man
....is in your bed gasping for breath and
....calling your name? You didn't hold
....the pillow down long enough.
....3. Why do only 10% of men make it
....to heaven? Because if they all went,
....it would be Hell.
....4. Why do men like smart women?
....Opposites attract.
....5. How are husbands like lawn
....mowers? They're hard to get started,
....they emit noxious odours, and half
....the time they don't work.
....6. How can you tell when a man is
....well hung? When you can just barely
....slip your finger in between his neck
....and the noose.
....7. How do men define a "50/50" relat-
....ionship? We cook - they eat; we clean
....- they dirty; we iron - they wrinkle.
....8. How do men exercise on the
....beach? By sucking in their stomachs
....every time they see a bikini.

PUN-ISHMENTS NUMBER 5

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

ges pitch 4 times and forces the
dog.to leave the
room.
...The problem, loathed as we are to admit it, is that it is hard to get a lot of stuff past women.

...9. How do you get a man to stop bit-
....ing his nails? Make him wear shoes.
....10. How does a man show he's
....planning for the future? He buys two
....cases of beer instead of one.
....11. How is Colonel Sanders like the
....typical male? All he's concerned with
....is legs, breasts and thighs.
....12. How many men does it take to
....screw in a light bulb? ONE .........He

...So, anyway, cutting this sexist crap and getting down to some real gender bending, it is time to resurr-ect some of the old attitudes and celebrate the fact that we are men. (Ladies, you’ll get your chance later. For now, maybe you would like to pop into the bathroom for a few minutes. We’ll see you on Thursday.)
...The differences between the sexes are vast and unbridgeable but at least we’ll never have to fake an orgasm. And that biological clock? For us it does not tick. Ever wondered just how many reasons there are for being grateful you are a man? Not ten, not twenty, not even fifty, but we can give you 108 reasons why it is great being a guy. Who says size doesn’t matter?

....1. Phone conversations last 30
....seconds.
....2. You know useful stuff about tanks
....and aeroplanes.
....3. Queues for the loo are 80%
....shorter.
....4. You don't have to lug a bag of
... "necessary" items with you every--
... where you go.

Some they may fall for but a lot just doesn’t work. It is indicative of the attitude women have towards themselves and men that they have no lists detailing the joys of being a woman. All their lists deal with men. Indeed, they seem almost as obsessed with men as men are with themselves. Although us boys might be celebrating our gender, we rarely take vicarious stabs at the opposite sex. As gentlemen should, we might make the odd gentle mild-mannered comment about a feminine trait but we never slag them off. Indeed, they usually come out of our lists covered in roses. If you scan the lists above, you will find almost no put-downs of women; we save the put-downs for our own sex. Sadly the same can not be said of the lists that the ladies have. Admittedly there are not as many lists emanating from the ladies but, boy, what they lack in numbers they make up for in virulence.
...It used to be the men who had the chauvinist monopoly but now it is the turn of the ladies. What goes around comes around, as those who can’t resist stating the

....just holds it up there and waits for
....the world to revolve around him.
....13. What did God say after creating
....man? I can do so much better.
....14. What do most men consider a ....gourmet restaurant? Any place with-
....out a drive-up window.
....15. What do you call a man with half
....a brain? Gifted.
....16. What should you give a man who
....has everything? A woman to show
....him how to work it.
....17. What's a man's idea of honesty in
....a relationship? Telling you his real
....name.
....18. What's the best way to force a
....man to do sit ups? Put the remote
....control between his toes.
....19. What's the difference between
....Big Foot and an intelligent man? Big
....Foot's been spotted several times.
....20. What's the smartest thing a man
....can say? "My wife says..."
....21. Why are all dumb blonde jokes
....one liners? So men can understand
....them.
....22. Why did God create man before
....woman? Because you're always
....supposed to have a rough draft be-
....fore creating your masterpiece.

.. 5. You get extra credit for the slight-
....est act of thoughtfulness.
... 6. You never have to clean the toilet.
....7. Wedding plans take care of them-
....selves.
....8. Chocolate is just another snack.
....9. Flowers (or duct tape) fix every-
...thing.
...10. You never have to worry about

PUN-ISHMENTS NUMBER 6

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

obvious say. Before, however, we give them their moment of glory, let us just spare a thought for the good old days when male

....anyone else's feelings.
.. 11. Same work - more pay.
...12. If you don't call your friend when
...you say you will, he won't tell everyone
...that you've changed.
...13. New shoes don't cut, blister, or
...mangle your feet.
...14. You can actually drive a car.
...15. Even in a crowded car park.
...16. You don't need a second opinion
...to know if your bum looks big in what
..you're wearing.
...17. You can buy the first thing you see
...without having to come back three
...hours later.
...18. Match of the Day.
...19. You don't have to monitor your
...friends' sex lives.
...20. You can open all your own jars.
...21. Old friends don't give you a hard
...time if you've lost or gained weight.
...22. Dry cleaners and hairdressers
...don't rob you blind.
...23. When channel surfing, you don't
...have to stall on every shot of some-
...one crying.
...24. Your bum and your chest are
...never factors in job interviews
...25. A beer gut does not make you
...invisible to the opposite sex.
...26. Movie nudity is virtually always
...female.
...27. You can go the toilet without a
...support group.
...28. Your last name stays put.
...29. You can leave a hotel bed un-
...made.
...30. When your work is criticised, you
...don't have to panic that everyone ...secretly hates you.
...31. You can kill your own food.
...32. The garage is yours, all yours.
...33. Baywatch.
...34. You can't get pregnant.
...35. You can fart with impunity.
...36. You can be showered and ready
...in 10 minutes.
...37. Sex means never having to worry
...about your reputation.
...38. You can get to places on time.
...39. If someone forgets to invite you to
...something, he or she can still be your
...friend.
...40. Timetables and fax machines
...don't confuse you.
...41. You understand why Beavis and
...Butthead is funny.
...42. None of your co-workers have the
...power to make you cry.
...43. You don't have to shave below
...your neck.
...44. People aren't talking about you all
...the time.
...45. If you're 34 and single, nobody
...gives a toss.
...46. You can write your name in the
...snow.
...47. You don't have to bother having a
...proper conversation with your mates
...down the pub.
...48. Everything on your face stays its
...original colour.
...49. You can get through a day off work
...without daytime television.
...50. The offside rule is not a mystery ...to..you.
...51. You can quietly enjoy a car ride
...from the passenger seat.
...52. You get to think about sex 90% of
...your waking hours (and 100% of your
....sleeping hours.)
...53. You can wear a white shirt in the
...rain.
.. 54. Three pairs of shoes are more
...than enough for most of your life.
...55. You can boast about the number
...of people you've slept with.
...56. You can say anything and not
...worry about what people think.
...57. Foreplay is optional.
...58. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your
...universe.
...59. Nobody stops telling a good dirty
...joke when you walk in the room.
...60. You can whip your shirt off on a
..hot day.
...61. You don't have to clean your flat if
...the meter reader is coming by.
...62. You never feel compelled to stop

chauvinism didn’t even have a name. Here are a few gems from those sunny days:

• How many men does it take to
open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

• Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

• How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me ."

• How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

• Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

• If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

• I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.

• What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced.

• Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It is called Wedding Cake.

• I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

• Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engage-
ment Ring, Wedding Ring, and Suffering.

• Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

• In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

• Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

• How does a man know when it is time to clean the house and do the washing up? He looks inside his underpants; if he has a penis it isn’t time.

• What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that won't do what
she's told.

...Good, huh? Sorry, I didn’t mean that. What I meant to say was: Oh how gauche and unsophisticated. Men have grown since those days. We recognise, in truth, that we love women and truly could not live without them (honestly) and would never wish to hurt their feelings. Nor would we wish them to think that we are in any way freaked out or screwed up by the battle of the sexes. We have no rancour, no vitriol, no acid criticisms. We have passed it on. It is our legacy to you, girls, use it well.
...It has to be said (and the ladies do say it) that many problems do start with men -- men-tal anxiety, men-opause, men-tal breakdown, to name just a few. But, hey, that is no reason to get vicious. At best they regard us as something akin to a fine wine. It is a comparison that is not hard to follow. We start out as grapes. They stomp us into pulp, drain us of our vital juices, keep us in the dark for as long as possible and hope that we will
turn out to be something worth having dinner with.
NEXT COLUMN

....23. Why do female black widow spid-
....ers kill the males after mating? To
....stop the snoring before it starts.
....24. Why do men need instant replay
....on TV sports? Because after 30
....seconds they forget what happened.
....25. Why does it take 100 million
....sperm to fertilize one egg? Because
....not one will stop and ask for direct-
....ions.
....26. Why is it good that there are
....female astronauts? When the crew
....gets lost in space, at least the wom-
....an will ask for directions.
....27. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quick-
....er for men than for women? When
....it's time to go back to his childhood,
....he's already there.
...And here are a few more:

....1 . Why do men become smarter
....during sex? Because they are
....plugged into a genius.
....2. Why don't women blink during
....foreplay? They don't have enough ....time.
....3.Why did god put men on earth?
....Because a vibrator can't mow the
....lawn.
....4. Why don't women have men's
....brains? Because they don't have
....penises to put them in.
....5. What do electric trains and breasts
....have in common? They're intended
....for children but men usually end up
....playing with them.
....6. Why do men snore when they lie
....on their backs? Because their balls
....fall over their assholes and they
....vapour lock.
....7. Why do men masturbate? It is sex
....with someone they love.
....8. Why were men given larger brains
....than dogs? So they won't hump
....women's legs at cocktail parties.
....9. Why is a man's pee yellow and his
....sperm white? So he can tell if he's
....coming or going.
....10. How many men does it take to
....put a toilet seat down? Nobody
....knows, since it has never happened.

...Where can those women have got the idea that men are so superficial, immature, shallow, gross, dim and dishonest? There can, of course, be only one place. And what can we say. It is a fact that while women can fake orgasms, men can fake whole relat-ionships. And that’s the thruuuuth!
...Before we leave you to find your way through the gender blender for yourself. Here is one last piece. We do not know where it came from but could it be the delicate touch of a woman is to be found therein?

Italy has funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is wider than its shaft. The study took 2 years and cost over 180,000.000,000 lira. The results of the study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is wider was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex. After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the Italian study were incorrect. After three years of research and cost in excess of 250,000.000 francs they concluded that the head of a man's penis is wider than the shaft to provide the women with more pleasure during sex. When the results of the French study were released, the English decided to conduct their own study. The English didn't really trust the Italian or French studies. So after nearly three weeks of intensive research and at a cost of approx. £ 36, the English study came to the final conclusion that the reason the head on a man's penis is wider than its shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead.

PLAIN TEXT • TOP OF PAGE

...a pal from getting laid.
...63. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
...64. You don't give a toss if no one
...notices your new haircut.
...65. You can watch a game in silence
...with a friend for hours without ever
...thinking, "He must be mad at me".
...66. The world is your urinal.
...67. You never misconstrue innocu-
...ous statements to mean your lover is
...about to leave you.
...68. You can play and enjoy computer
...games other than Tetris.
...69. Hot wax never comes near you.
...70. One mood, all the time.
...71. You can admire Tim Roth without
...starving yourself to look like him.
...72. You can remember the punch
...lines to jokes.
...73. You know at least 20 ways to
...open a beer bottle.
...74. You can sit with your knees apart
...no matter what you are wearing.
...75. Grey hair and wrinkles add char-
...acter.
...76. You don't have to leave the room
...to make an emergency crotch adjust-
...ment.
...77. Wedding Dress: $1000; Morning
...suit hire: $50.
...78. You can vomit without being
...accused of bulimia.
...79. With 400 million sperm per shot,
...you could double the Earth's popul-
...ation in 15 tries - at least in theory,
...and trying would be fun.
...80. You don't mooch off your friends'
...desserts.
...81. If you retain water, it's in a glass.
...82. The remote is yours and yours
...alone.
...83. People never glance at your chest
...when you're talking to them.
...84. You can sit in a pub on your own
...without sad baskets trying to cop off
...with you.
...85. You can drop by to see a friend
...without bringing a little gift.
...86. Stag nights are much more fun
...than Hen nights.
...87. You have a normal and healthy
...relationship with your mother.
...88. You can buy condoms without the
...shopkeeper imagining you naked.
...89. You needn't pretend you're "fresh-
...ening up" when you go to the loo.
...90. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
...91. You can rationalise any behaviour
...with the handy phrase, "Stuff it!"
...92. If another bloke shows up at the
...party in the same outfit, you might
...become best mates.
...93. You can teach your friend's child-
...ren swear words.
...94. The occasional well-rendered
...belch is practically expected.
...95. You never have to miss a sexual
...opportunity because you're not in the
...mood.
...96. You think the idea of putting a cat
...in a tumble drier is funny.
.. 97. If something mechanical doesn't
...work, you can bash it with a hammer
.. and throw it across the room.
.. 98. A week's holiday requires only
.. one suitcase.
.. 99. Porn movies are designed with
.. your mind in mind.
.. 100. You can run without looking like
.. a complete spacka.
.. 101. Your pals can be trusted never
.. to trap you with: "So . . . notice any-
.. thing different?"
.. 102. You can play football instead of
.. going to a family bash - and not feel
.. guilty.
.. 103. Bleeding doesn't come with a
.. mood change or a chocolate fetish.
.. 104. Not bleeding isn't a problem.
.. 105. Throwing / catching objects is
.. possible.
.. 106. Blow jobs!
.. 107. Nobody ever wonders if you
.. swallow
.. 108. Not liking a person doesn't
.. exclude having great sex with them.

...It is not, of course, that men are defensive or have something to prove, merely that they have so much to celebrate. That women are incapable of fully appreciating the joy of casual sex with people one doesn’t even like, is their loss. But we can dream. One of many dreams. You can wait forever -- dream in, dream on -- but there are some things you are never going to hear a woman say. ‘Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of being just friends.’ ‘My, what an attractive scrotum.’ ‘I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.’ When was the last time a woman said anything like that?
...Communication between the sexes has never been great. Men say one thing but women hear something completely different. Even when men say nothing, women hear something completely different. To help you deal with this we have started to collect together some gender-based definitions of common words and phrases. Here are a few:

...THINGY (thing-ee) n. 1. female: Any
...part under a car's bonnet. 2. male :
...The strap fastener on a woman's.bra.
...LESBIAN (lez-bee-an) n. 1. female: A
...woman who makes love to other
...women. 2. male: A woman who has
...sex with other women so men can
...watch.
...VULNERABLE (vuln-er-abel) adj. 1.
...female: Fully opening up one's self
...emotionally to another. 2. male : Play-
...ing cricket without a box.
...REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht-kon-
...trohl) n. 1. female: A device for
...changing from one TV channel to
...another. 2. male : A device for scann-
...ing through all 75 channels every 2
...minutes.
...COMMUNICATION (ko-muu-ni-kay-
...shon) n. 1. female: The open.sharing
...of thoughts and feelings with one's
...partner. 2. male : Scratching out a
...note before suddenly taking off for a
...weekend with the lads.
...BUM (bum) n. 1. female: The body
...part that every item of clothing manu-
...factured makes look bigger. 2. male:
...The organ for mooning (and farting).
...COMMITMENT (kom-it-ment) n. 1.
...female: A desire to get married and
...raise a family. 2. male : Not trying to
...pick up other women while out with
...one's girlfriend.
...ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment)
...n. 1. female: A good movie, concert,
...play or book. 2. male: Sex
...FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. 1.
...female: An embarrassing by-product
...of digestion. 2. male : An endless
...source of entertainment, self exp-
...ression and male bonding.
...MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. 1.
...female: The greatest expression of
...intimacy a couple can achieve. 2.
...male : What women do while the
...man is shagging.

...It is a three way stretch, the way the differences between the sexes express themselves. Men with men is one thing, women with women is another thing but put men and women together and you are creating what is potentially a monster of incompatibilities. Let us take two gender test groups and send them out for dinner. Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose throughout the meal. The boys -- Mike, Charlie, Bob and John -- will, however, refer affectionately to each other as Fat Boy, Peanut-Head, Godzilla and Scrappy. When the bill comes the boys will each throw in $ 20 although the total bill is only $32.50 because none of them has anything smaller and none will actually admit to wanting change back. When the girls’ bill comes, they will get out their pocket calculators. At the end of the meal, the guys will go for a quick slash and then it’s into the nearest bar to refill their bladders. The girls will also go to the bathroom but they will stay for three quarters of an hour doing God knows what and then head for a nice wine bar. By the time they are cracking their first bottle of Chardonnay, the boys will be into their sixth pint and will be just about ready to fight anyone or sleep with anything. By 11.00, the girls will be a little tipsy and the boys will be mooning buses on the high road outside the wine bar. See? Quite a difference.
...Nowhere are the differences between men and women more profoundly obvious than in their bathroom habits. Let us compare. A man, in his bathroom, will have seven items -- a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, shampoo and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in a woman’s bathroom is 337 most of which would be unidentifiable for a man. But it goes further than that.

How To Shower Like a Woman:

...• Take off clothing and place in sect-
...ioned laundry hamper according to
...lights and darks.
...• Walk to bathroom wearing long
...dressing gown. If you see husband
...along the way, cover exposed flesh
...and rush to the bathroom. Look at
...your womanly physique in mirror
...and stick out gut so you can comp-
...lain and whine even more about
...getting fat.
...• Get in shower. Look for facecloth,
...armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide
...loofah and pumice stone.
...• Wash hair once with Cucumber
...and Lamfrey shampoo with 83
...added vitamins.
...• Wash hair again with Cucumber
...and Lamfrey shampoo with 83
...added vitamins.
...• Condition hair with Cucumber and
...Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with
...natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for
...fifteen minutes. Wash face with
...crushed apricot facial scrub for ten
...minutes until red raw.
...• Wash entire rest of body with
...Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body
...wash.
...• Rinse conditioner off hair (taking at
...least fifteen minutes to make sure it
...has all come off).
...• Shave armpits and legs. Consider
...shaving bikini area but decide to get
...it waxed instead.
...• Scream loudly when husband
...flushes toilet and you lose the water
...pressure.
...• Turn off shower.
...• Squeegee all wet surfaces in
...shower. Spray mould spots with
...Tilex.
...• Get out of shower. Dry with towel
...the size of a small African Country.
...• Wrap hair in super absorbent ...second towel. Check entire body for
...remotest sign of a zit. Attack with
...nails/tweezers if found.
...• Return to bedroom wearing long
...dressing gown and towel on head.
...• If you see husband along the way,
...cover up exposed areas, then rush
...to bedroom to spend an hour and a
...half getting dressed.

How To Shower Like A Man:

...• Take off clothes while sitting on
...edge of bed and leave them in a pile.
...• Walk naked to the bathroom. If you
...see your wife along the way, shake
...cock at her and make "woo" sound.
...• Look at manly physique in mirror
...and suck in gut to see if you have
...pecs (no).
...• Admire size of cock in the mirror,
...scratch arse and smell fingers for
...one last whiff.
...• Get in the shower. Don't bother to
...look for washcloth (you don't use
...one).
...• Wash face, then armpits. Crack up
...at how loud fart sounds in the
...shower.
...• Wash privates and surrounding
...area. Wash arse, leaving hair on the
...bar of soap.
...• Shampoo hair (do not use condit-
...ioner).
...• Make a shampoo Mohawk.
...• Pull back shower curtain and look
...at yourself in the mirror.
...• Piss (in the shower).
...• Rinse off and get out of the shower.
...Fail to notice water on floor because
...you left curtain hanging out of tub the
...whole time. Partially dry off.
...• Look at self in the mirror, flex
...muscles.
...• Admire cock size again.
...• Leave shower curtain open, wet
...bath mat on floor. Leave bathroom
...fan and light on.
...• Return to bedroom with towel
...around waist. If you pass your wife,
...pull off the towel, grab your cock, go
..."Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis
...at her.
...• Throw wet towel on the bed. Take
...2 minutes to get dressed.

...Oh dear, us guys didn’t emerge too well out of that one. But we did emerge not being much older than when we went in. Which is more than most of the ladies can say.
...And that is the trouble, for the picture we have of ourselves in not quite the same as the picture women have of us. Let us take our comparison further and compare what constitutes a perfect day for both of the sexes. First the ladies:

THE PERFECT DAY

FOR HER

...08:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses;
...08:30 Weigh in 2kg lighter than
...yesterday;
...08:45 Breakfast in bed, freshly
...squeezed orange juice and croiss-
...ants, presents - expensive jewellery
...chosen by thoughtful partner;
...09:15 Soothing hot bath with frangi-
...pani bath oil;
...10:00 Light work out at club with
...handsome funny personal trainer;
...12:00 Lunch with best friend at fash-
...ionable outdoor cafe;
...13:00 Catch sight of husband/boy-
...friend's ex and notices she has
...gained 7kg;
...15:00 Nap;
...16:00 Three dozen roses delivered
...by florist, card is from secret admirer;
...16:15 Light work out at club, followed
...by massage from strong but gentle
...hunk who says he rarely gets to
...work on such a perfect body;
...17:30 Choose outfit from expensive
...designer wardrobe, parade before
...full length mirror;
...19:30 Candle lit dinner for two foll-
...owed by dancing, with compliments
...received from other diners/dancers;
...10:00 Hot shower (alone)
...10:50 Carried to bed . . . (freshly
...ironed, crisp, new white linen);
...11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and
...cuddling;
...11:15 Fall asleep in his big strong
...arms.

FOR HIM

...06:00 Alarm;
...06:15 Blow job;
...06:30 Massive satisfying dump while
...reading the sports section;
...07:00 Breakfast, rump steak and
...eggs, coffee and toast all cooked by
...buxom wench;
...07:30 Limo arrives;
...07:45 Several whisky's en route to
...airport;
...09:15 Flight in personal Lear jet;
...09:30 Limo to Riverside Oaks golf
...club (blow job en route);
...09:45 Play front nine (2 under);
.. 11:45 Lunch. Pie, chips and gravy,
...3 lagers and bottle of Don Perignon;
.. 12:15 Blow job;
...12:30 Play back nine (4 under);
...14:15 Limo back to airport (several

NEXT COLUMN

PLAIN TEXT
Continued from previous page

CUNNING STUNTS

Continued . . . .
THE MIND OF MARKETING --
......................YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

...We are particularly fond of some of the UK’s labelling triumphs. Leading the field is giant grocers, Sainsbury. Their packets of peanuts include a warning stating ‘This product contains nuts’ and their mineral

PLAIN TEXT
THE MISSING WARNING
One warning that every product should have on it is: ‘Keep away from idiots.’ But some things are just . . . . kinda obvious. Aren’t they? Apparantly not to every one, it would seem.
...In Philadelphia a woman is suing the pharmacy that sold her a popular contraceptive jelly - because she ate the stuff on toast and got pregnant anyway. And, incredibly, many legal experts are saying she's got an excellent chance of collecting! "The woman is a complete idiot," said one attor- ney who asked that we not use his name. "How bright can you be if you think eating a vaginal gel will prevent conception? "But certain aspects of the case involve truth in labelling and false advertising issues. She may not collect but she'll make a lot of noise and trouble. People are down on lawyers anyway. They think we waste time and money on frivolous lawsuits. This isn't going to help our public relations any."
...A spokesman for the unnamed mom-and-pop drugstore says he's shocked and angry that such a case could ever be taken seriously. "All she has to do is open the box and read the directions," says the spokesman. "Next thing you know someone will come after us because they couldn't stick things together with their toothpaste. "I can just imagine some moron saying: 'It's paste, isn't it? Why can't I glue these papers onto my bulletin board?' "But attorneys for Mrs. Chyton say she was swindled and lied to by implication and they intend to make the pharmacy pay $500,000 for the hardship the woman will have to endure.
.."It says right on it 'jelly,'" says Mrs. Chyton, a former model who was once a cheerleader for a popular professional basketball team. "And they kept it on the shelf just two aisles from the food section. I know, now, that the directions say it should be used vaginally with a condom. "But who has time to sit around reading directions these days - especially when you're sexually aroused? "The company should call it some- thing else and the pharmacy shouldn't sell it without telling each and every customer who buys it that eating it won't prevent you from getting pregnant." As bizarre as it sounds, the pharmacy could wind up losing the lawsuit.
..."It's hard for businesses to avoid troublesome lawsuits," said another attorney. "With the courts bending over back- wards to please consumer groups, the temper of the times is perfect for these crackpots to bring legal action against businesses - even a moronic legal action like this."

water is, it seems, ‘suitable for vegetarians.’ Another and better known British shopping institution, Marks & Spencers, also do a particularly nice line in obvious labelling. Their bread and butter pudding warns: ‘Product will be hot after heating.’ The States also has its moments. Nabisco Easy Cheese (in a tube) contains the instruction: “For best results, remove cap.’ And we particularly like the Heinz Ketchup bottle that offers the instruction: ‘Put on food.’ And there we were considering adding a little savour to our sex lives.
...But they are only looking after our health. Clearly that is the concern of the Korean Kitchen Knife manufacturers who tell buyers of their knives to ‘Keep out of children’ and of the diving board maker who ships his boards with a slip saying: ‘All divers must land in water.’ But we do probably need the odd reminder. That is why some frozen meals feature the phrase: ‘Serving Suggestion - Defrost’ and a helmet-mounted mirror that is used by motor cyclists in the US features the words: ‘Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you.’ Some of the warnings, however, read more like user suggestions than warnings. We are not quite sure where the warning on a Sear’s hairdryer that says ‘Do not use while sleeping’ fits but we know another hairdryer manufacturer who says “Do not use in shower’ is absolutely right. But the air conditioner unit that advises: “Caution. Avoid dropping out of windows’ and the vacuum cleaner that includes the warning ‘Do not pick up gasoline or flammable liquids’ and follows it with ‘Do not use to pick up anything that is currently burning’ both propose some worthwhile suggestions for those who might aspire to a Darwin Award. Good advice, too, is to be found with a car fanbelt produced by one of the largest car accessory manufacturers: ‘Before installing this fanbelt, be sure you shut off the engine as it may cause irreversible injury..’ But it is not just machinery and electrical appliances that allow marketing men to astound us with their regard for our health. Around the home, too, they are giving a thought to you and yours. That is why they include the advice on Bowl Fresh lavatory freshener: ‘Safe to use around pets and children, although it is not recommended that either be permitted to drink from the toilet.’
...All the jokes about unintelligible VCR manuals are only funny until one buys a VCR with an unintelligible manual. Our own VCR manual is not only totally unintelligible, it is totally unintelligible in Dutch. It doesn’t help when you have things like computers telling you: “Keyboard not detected. Press any key to continue.’ But some in the new technology field are trying to do something about it. For example, the Lucent Technologies Model 6210 Telephone instruction book contains the following good advice’ To place or answer a call, lift the handset. To place a call, dial the desired number. To end the call, hang up the handset. To put a call on Hold: Press ‘Hold.’’ Also excellent advice but not for a particularly high tech product is the tampon instruction sheet in which the final step is: ‘Pull up underwear.’
...There are, of course, many strange warnings coming with foreign products but there are also some pretty strange ones going out on exports. A Korean made blanket includes the warning: ‘Not to be used as protection from a tornado.’ And a Swedish Chain Saw says; ‘Do not attempt to stop chain with hands or genitals.’ Okaaaay. It is not just on products coming out of foreign parts that strange labelling exists. We give ‘em some of our best. For example, in some countries on the bottom of Coke bottles it says: ‘Open other end.’

VIRTUAL STUPIDITY --
..TURN PC TO PC BUT THERE IS NO EC

ove ‘em, hate ‘em, don’t understand ‘em but can’t live without ‘em. Computers, dear reader. We are talking about computers. On the entry page to this site (and, indeed, on our posters and flyers) it says: “For people who enjoy the best things in life but own a computer anyway.’ And isn’t that the way of it for most of us. For some, the computer can be a joy. For others it's a toy. Or a library. Or a workhorse. A friend. A matchmaker. A business. A substitute for actually having to go out and talk to real people. It is many things to many people. But not all of them are good. For some it is a fiend, a grey clad electronic devil, a cunning temptress who turns into a prick-teaser. But for many it just a simple source of frustration, confusion and unfulfilled potential.
...As with the whole of this column, our purpose here is not to draw your attention to your failure to come to terms with new technology but to give you something to feel superior about. To this end, here are some of the best computer stories we’ve found.

A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that's a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."

Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
...Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob.”
Customer: "What do you mean?"
...Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob.”
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"

This guy calls in to complain that he gets an "Access Denied" message every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his username and password in capital letters.
...Tech Support: "OK, let's try once more, but use lower case letters." Customer: "Ooh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."

"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"
..."Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
..."Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
..."They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
..."Nothing."
"Nothing?"
..."It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
..."How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
..."What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?" ..."There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
..."What's a monitor?
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
..."I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
..."Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
..."Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
..."No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
..."Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
..."I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
..."No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
..."Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
..."Yes -- the light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the light then."
..."I can't."
"No? Why not?"
..."Because there's a power failure."
"A power ... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
..."Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
..."Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
..."Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them that you're too fucking stupid to own a computer."

...One of the great things about computers is that everyone uses them - black, white, yellow, straight, gay, well-formed or deformed, tall or short, it doesn’t matter. The same goes for nationalities. Computers are used by just about every nationality. The good thing about the international thing is that it gives us the opportunity to combine our xenophobia with our technophobia. Rab C. Nesbit fans watch out.
...(Anglo-American Cultural Note: Rab C. Nesbit is a character in a popular British satire about the life of an unemployed drunkard in Glasgow. Glasgow is a city in Sco’land. Traditionally one of the poorest cities in the UK, it has high levels of alcoholism, drug use and unemployment but is renowned for a cultural heritage that goes back at least as far as Billy Connolly and but is really only about pubs. Glaswegian is a dialect that sounds like a whole language.)

This is an announcement from the Microsoft Corporation:

‘It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Glasgow edition of Windows 2000 may have accidentally been shipped outside Glasgow. If you have one of the Glasgow editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The Glasgow edition may be recognised by looking at the opening screen. It reads Windaes 2000 with a background picture of a Buckfast bottle superimposed on a Clydebank flag. It is shipped with a Buckfast screen saver.
If these clues are insufficient to identify your copy of Windows 2000.
Please also note:
...The Recycle Bin is labelled ‘Oot tae fuck.’
...Dialup Networking is called ‘Ma Mates.’
...Control Panel is known as ‘How Tae Fuck Aboot Wi The
...Settins’
...Hard Drive is referred to as ‘Big Disk.’
...Floppies are known as ‘Them Wee Plastic Bastards.’
The Windaes 2000 package also include a number of changes to dialog boxes and buttons:

OK = ‘its aww-right’ cancel = ‘fuck off’

yes = ’aye’ no = ‘nay fuckin' chance’

find = ‘get it yer fuckin' sel' go to = ‘orr therr’

help = ‘ah cannae dae it’ stop = ‘gie's fuckin' peace’

start = ‘fuckin' move’ settings = ‘settins’

programs = ‘stuff at does stuff’ personal folder = ‘ma shit’

Also note that c 2000 does not recognise capital letters or punctuation marks.
Some programs that are exclusive to Windaes 2000: ........Tiperiter = a word processor;
........Cullerin book = a graphics program;
........Addin’ mershene = calculator;
........Scratch paper = notepad (usually unused);
........Sounds = CD player;
........Porn = Microsoft Internet Explorer;
........Pikchers = a graphics viewer;
........Dole money = M/S accounting software;
........Sellik = a spreadsheet of Celtic F.C.'s recent scores.
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the Glasgow edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.’

...While we’re on the subject of nationalities and computers, here is the Irish Virus:

‘Hello, I'm a virus from Ireland.
...............Please forward this email to all the contacts in your personal address book. Then delete all the files on your hard disk. That's grand, t’anks very much.’

...Well, it’s better than blowing people up. Although those who have had the virus experience -- which means everyone who doesn’t own a Macintosh -- might feel differently. Although in the final analysis, the overwhelming volume of the voice of the bomb victims must win, viruses are one of the curses of modern civilisation. The trouble is that they get more and more sophisticated. Here are some of the latest viruses to set your paranoia racing:

CLINTON VIRUS
Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.
VIAGRA VIRUS
Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
LEWINSKY VIRUS
Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails everyone about what it did.
RONALD REAGAN VIRUS
Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
MIKE TYSON VIRUS Quits after two bytes.
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS
Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100MB, then slowly expands to 200 MB
DISNEY VIRUS
Everything in your computer goes Goofy.
PROZAC VIRUS
Screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS
Terminates some files, leaves, but it will be BAAAAACK.
LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS
Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.

...And finally in the data day section of Cunning Stunts, what should be the greatest segue ever -- if only we can get the Mr and Miss Oginy column near.

An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language. He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she".
...One of the students raised their hand and asked, "What "gender" is a computer?" The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
...The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
......1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
......2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
......3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems,
...but half the time they ARE the problem.
......4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you
...had waited a little longer, you could have had a better
...model.
...The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
......1. No one but their creator understands their internal
...logic.
......2. The native language they use to communicate with
...other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
......3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term
...memory for later retrieval.
...4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find
...yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

PLAIN TEXT • TOP OF PAGE

PLAIN TEXT
BLONDE BOMBSHELLS

londes have more fun, so they say. We wonder why that is. Is it because they have difficulty knowing whether they are happy or not, laughing or crying, dead or alive? Or could it be because only blondes get to be 'bombshells'? Who cares, anyway. So, just to be unfair to as many social groups as possible, here are a couple of good blonde jokes

...A ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of "dumb blonde" jokes, when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and says: "I've heard just about enough of your stupid blonde jokes, you creep! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's hair colour have to do with them as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community and from reaching our full potential... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate negative images against not only blondes, but women in general, all in the name of humour." Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologise, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this Mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"

...80,000 blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid Convention." The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?" A blonde steps up. The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen." Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance, give her another chance." The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you and the worldwide press here, I guess we can give her another chance." So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?" The leader is quite perplexed and sighs-everyone is disheartened, the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "Give her another chance, give her another chance." The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "OK!, one more chance. What is 2 plus 2?" The girl closes her eyes and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four." Through out the stadium 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream, "Give her another chance, give her another chance!"
PLAIN TEXT • TOP OF PAGE

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