|
....anyone else's feelings.
.. 11. Same work - more pay.
...12. If you don't call your friend when
...you say you will, he won't tell everyone
...that you've changed.
...13. New shoes don't cut, blister, or
...mangle your feet.
...14. You can actually drive a car.
...15. Even in a crowded car park.
...16. You don't need a second opinion
...to know if your bum looks big in what
..you're wearing.
...17. You can buy the first thing you see
...without having to come back three
...hours later.
...18. Match of the Day.
...19. You don't have to monitor your
...friends' sex lives.
...20. You can open all your own jars.
...21. Old friends don't give you a hard
...time if you've lost or gained weight.
...22. Dry cleaners and hairdressers
...don't rob you blind.
...23. When channel surfing, you don't
...have to stall on every shot of some-
...one crying.
...24. Your bum and your chest are
...never factors in job interviews
...25. A beer gut does not make you
...invisible to the opposite sex.
...26. Movie nudity is virtually always
...female.
...27. You can go the toilet without a
...support group.
...28. Your last name stays put.
...29. You can leave a hotel bed un-
...made.
...30. When your work is criticised, you
...don't have to panic that everyone ...secretly hates you.
...31. You can kill your own food.
...32. The garage is yours, all yours.
...33. Baywatch.
...34. You can't get pregnant.
...35. You can fart with impunity.
...36. You can be showered and ready
...in 10 minutes.
...37. Sex means never having to worry
...about your reputation.
...38. You can get to places on time.
...39. If someone forgets to invite you to
...something, he or she can still be your
...friend.
...40. Timetables and fax machines
...don't confuse you.
...41. You understand why Beavis and
...Butthead is funny.
...42. None of your co-workers have the
...power to make you cry.
...43. You don't have to shave below
...your neck.
...44. People aren't talking about you all
...the time.
...45. If you're 34 and single, nobody
...gives a toss.
...46. You can write your name in the
...snow.
...47. You don't have to bother having a
...proper conversation with your mates
...down the pub.
...48. Everything on your face stays its
...original colour.
...49. You can get through a day off work
...without daytime television.
...50. The offside rule is not a mystery ...to..you.
...51. You can quietly enjoy a car ride
...from the passenger seat.
...52. You get to think about sex 90% of
...your waking hours (and 100% of your
...sleeping hours.)
...53. You can wear a white shirt in the
...rain.
.. 54. Three pairs of shoes are more
...than enough for most of your life.
...55. You can boast about the number
.. of people you've slept with.
.. 56. You can say anything and not
...worry about what people think.
...57. Foreplay is optional.
...58. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your
...universe.
...59. Nobody stops telling a good dirty
...joke when you walk in the room.
...60. You can whip your shirt off on a
.. hot day.
...61. You don't have to clean your flat if
...the meter reader is coming by.
...62. You never feel compelled to stop
|
|
|
when male chauvinism didn’t
even have a name. Here are a few
gems from those sunny days:
• How many men does it take to
open a beer? None. It should be
opened by the time she brings it.
• Why is a Laundromat a really bad
place to pick up a woman? Because a
woman who can't even afford a washing
machine will probably never be able to
support you.
• How do you know when a woman is
about to say something smart? When
she starts her sentence with "A man
once told me ."
• How do you fix a woman's watch? You
don't. There is a clock on the oven.
• Why do men pass gas more than
women? Because women can't shut
up long enough to build up the
required pressure.
• If your dog is barking at the back
door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once
you let him in.
• I haven't spoken to my wife for 18
months: I don't like to interrupt her.
• What do you call a woman who has
lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced.
• Scientists have discovered a food that
diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90%. It is called Wedding Cake.
• I married Miss Right. I just didn't
know her first name was Always.
• Marriage is a 3 ring circus:
Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring
and Suffering.
• Our last fight was my fault: My wife
asked me "What's on the TV?" I
said, "Dust!"
• In the beginning, God created the
earth and rested. Then God created
Man and rested. Then God created
Woman. Since then, neither God nor
Man has rested.
• Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
• How does a man know when it is time
to clean the house and do the washing
up? He looks inside his underpants; if
he has a penis it isn’t time.
• What's worse than a Male Chauvinist
Pig? A woman that won't do what
she's told.
...Good, huh? Sorry, I didn’t mean
that. What I meant to say was: Oh
how gauche and unsophisticated.
Men have grown since those days.
We recognise, in truth, that we love
women and truly could not live
without them (honestly) and would
never wish to hurt their feelings. Nor
would we wish them to think that we
are in any way freaked out or screw-
ed up by the battle of the sexes. We
have no rancour, no vitriol, no acid
criticisms. We have passed it on. It is
our legacy to you, girls, use it well.
...It has to be said (and the ladies do
say it) that many problems do start
with men -- men-tal anxiety, men-
opause, men-tal breakdown, to name
just a few. But, hey, that is no reason
to get vicious. At best they regard us
as something akin to a fine wine. It is
a comparison that is not hard to
follow. We start out as grapes. They
stomp us into pulp, drain us of our
vital juices, keep us in the dark for as
long as possible and hope that we will
turn out to be something worth hav-
ing dinner with.
NEXT COLUMN
|
|
|
...23. Why do female black widow spid-
....ers kill the males after mating? To
....stop the snoring before it starts.
....24. Why do men need instant replay
....on TV sports? Because after 30
....seconds they forget what happened.
....25. Why does it take 100 million
....sperm to fertilize one egg? Because
....not one will stop and ask for direct-
....ions.
....26. Why is it good that there are
....female astronauts? When the crew
....gets lost in space, at least the wom-
....an will ask for directions.
....27. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quick-
....er for men than for women? When
....it's time to go back to his childhood,
....he's already there.
...And here are a few more:
....1 . Why do men become smarter
....during sex? Because they are
....plugged into a genius.
....2. Why don't women blink during
....foreplay? They don't have enough
....time.
....3.Why did god put men on earth?
....Because a vibrator can't mow the
....lawn.
....4. Why don't women have men's
....brains? Because they don't have
....penises to put them in.
....5. What do electric trains and breasts
....have in common? They're intended
....for children but men usually end up
....playing with them.
....6. Why do men snore when they lie
....on their backs? Because their balls
....fall over their assholes and they
....vapour lock.
....7. Why do men masturbate? It is sex
....with someone they love.
....8. Why were men given larger brains
....than dogs? So they won't hump
....women's legs at cocktail parties.
....9. Why is a man's pee yellow and his
....sperm white? So he can tell if he's
....coming or going.
....10. How many men does it take to
....put a toilet seat down? Nobody
....knows, since it has never happened.
...Where can those women have got
the idea that men are so superficial,
immature, shallow, gross, dim and
dishonest? There can, of course, be
only one place. And what can we say.
It is a fact that while women can fake
orgasms, men can fake whole relat-
ionships. And that’s the thruuuuth!
...Before we leave you to find your
way through the gender blender for
yourself. Here is one last piece. We do
not know where it came from but
could it be the delicate touch of a
woman is to be found therein?
Italy has funded a study to determine
why the head on a man's penis is wider
than its shaft. The study took 2 years
and cost over 180,000.000,000 lira. The
results of the study concluded that the
reason the head of a man's penis is
wider was to provide the man with more
pleasure during sex. After the results
were published, France decided to
conduct their own study on the same
subject. They were convinced that the
results of the Italian study were
incorrect. After three years of research
and cost in excess of 250,000.000
francs they concluded that the head of a
man's penis is wider than the shaft to
provide the women with more pleasure
during sex. When the results of the
French study were released, the English
decided to conduct their own study. The
English didn't really trust the Italian or
French studies. So after nearly three
weeks of intensive research and at a
cost of approx. £ 36, the English study
came to the final conclusion that the
reason the head on a man's penis is
wider than its shaft is to prevent your
and from flying off and hitting you in the
forehead.
PLAIN TEXT • TOP OF PAGE
|
|
...a pal from getting laid.
...63. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
...64. You don't give a toss if no one
...notices your new haircut.
...65. You can watch a game in silence
...with a friend for hours without ever
...thinking, "He must be mad at me".
...66. The world is your urinal.
...67. You never misconstrue innocu-
...ous statements to mean your lover is
...about to leave you.
...68. You can play and enjoy computer
...games other than Tetris.
...69. Hot wax never comes near you.
...70. One mood, all the time.
...71. You can admire Tim Roth without
...starving yourself to look like him.
...72. You can remember the punch
...lines to jokes.
...73. You know at least 20 ways to
...open a beer bottle.
...74. You can sit with your knees apart
...no matter what you are wearing.
...75. Grey hair and wrinkles add char-
...acter.
...76. You don't have to leave the room
...to make an emergency crotch adjust-
...ment.
...77. Wedding Dress: $1000; Morning
...suit hire: $50.
...78. You can vomit without being
...accused of bulimia.
...79. With 400 million sperm per shot,
...you could double the Earth's popul-
...ation in 15 tries - at least in theory,
...and trying would be fun.
...80. You don't mooch off your friends'
...desserts.
...81. If you retain water, it's in a glass.
...82. The remote is yours and yours
...alone.
...83. People never glance at your chest
...when you're talking to them.
...84. You can sit in a pub on your own
...without sad baskets trying to cop off
...with you.
...85. You can drop by to see a friend
...without bringing a little gift.
...86. Stag nights are much more fun
...than Hen nights.
...87. You have a normal and healthy
...relationship with your mother.
...88. You can buy condoms without the
...shopkeeper imagining you naked.
...89. You needn't pretend you're "fresh-
...ening up" when you go to the loo.
...90. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
...91. You can rationalise any behaviour
...with the handy phrase, "Stuff it!"
...92. If another bloke shows up at the
...party in the same outfit, you might
...become best mates.
...93. You can teach your friend's child-
...ren swear words.
...94. The occasional well-rendered
...belch is practically expected.
...95. You never have to miss a sexual
...opportunity because you're not in the
...mood.
...96. You think the idea of putting a cat
...in a tumble drier is funny.
.. 97. If something mechanical doesn't
...work, you can bash it with a hammer
.. and throw it across the room.
.. 98. A week's holiday requires only
.. one suitcase.
.. 99. Porn movies are designed with
.. your mind in mind.
.. 100. You can run without looking like
.. a complete spacka.
.. 101. Your pals can be trusted never
.. to trap you with: "So . . . notice any-
.. thing different?"
.. 102. You can play football instead of
.. going to a family bash - and not feel
.. guilty.
.. 103. Bleeding doesn't come with a
.. mood change or a chocolate fetish.
.. 104. Not bleeding isn't a problem.
.. 105. Throwing / catching objects is
.. possible.
.. 106. Blow jobs!
.. 107. Nobody ever wonders if you
.. swallow
.. 108. Not liking a person doesn't
.. exclude having great sex with them.
...It is not, of course, that men are defensive or have something to prove, merely that they have so much to celebrate. That women are incapable of fully appreciating the joy of casual sex with people one doesn’t even like, is their loss. But we can dream. One of many dreams. You can wait forever -- dream in, dream on -- but there are some things you are never going to hear a woman say. ‘Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of being just friends.’ ‘My, what an attractive scrotum.’ ‘I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.’ When was the last time a woman said anything like that?
...Communication between the sexes has never been great. Men say one thing but women hear something completely different. Even when men say nothing, women hear something completely different. To help you deal with this we have started to collect together some gender-based definitions of common words and phrases. Here are a few:
...THINGY (thing-ee) n. 1. female: Any
...part under a car's bonnet. 2. male :
...The strap fastener on a woman's.bra.
...LESBIAN (lez-bee-an) n. 1. female: A
...woman who makes love to other
...women. 2. male: A woman who has
...sex with other women so men can
...watch.
...VULNERABLE (vuln-er-abel) adj. 1.
...female: Fully opening up one's self
...emotionally to another. 2. male : Play-
...ing cricket without a box.
...REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht-kon-
...trohl) n. 1. female: A device for
...changing from one TV channel to
...another. 2. male : A device for scann-
...ing through all 75 channels every 2
...minutes.
...COMMUNICATION (ko-muu-ni-kay-
...shon) n. 1. female: The open.sharing
...of thoughts and feelings with one's
...partner. 2. male : Scratching out a
...note before suddenly taking off for a
...weekend with the lads.
...BUM (bum) n. 1. female: The body
...part that every item of clothing manu-
...factured makes look bigger. 2. male:
...The organ for mooning (and farting).
...COMMITMENT (kom-it-ment) n. 1.
...female: A desire to get married and
...raise a family. 2. male : Not trying to
...pick up other women while out with
...one's girlfriend.
...ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment)
...n. 1. female: A good movie, concert,
...play or book. 2. male: Sex
...FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. 1.
...female: An embarrassing by-product
...of digestion. 2. male : An endless
...source of entertainment, self exp-
...ression and male bonding.
...MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. 1.
...female: The greatest expression of
...intimacy a couple can achieve. 2.
...male : What women do while the
...man is shagging.
...It is a three way stretch, the way the differences between the sexes express themselves. Men with men is one thing, women with women is another thing but put men and women together and you are creating what is potentially a monster of incompatibilities. Let us take two gender test groups and send them out for dinner. Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose throughout the meal. The boys -- Mike, Charlie, Bob and John -- will, however, refer affectionately to each other as Fat Boy, Peanut-Head, Godzilla and Scrappy. When the bill comes the boys will each throw in $ 20 although the total bill is only $32.50 because none of them has anything smaller and none will actually admit to wanting change back. When the girls’ bill comes, they will get out their pocket calculators. At the end of the meal, the guys will go for a quick slash and then it’s into the nearest bar to refill their bladders. The girls will also go to the bathroom but they will stay for three quarters of an hour doing God knows what and then head for a nice wine bar. By the time they are cracking their first bottle of Chardonnay, the boys will be into their sixth pint and will be just about ready to fight anyone or sleep with anything. By 11.00, the girls will be a little tipsy and the boys will be mooning buses on the high road outside the wine bar. See? Quite a difference.
...Nowhere are the differences between men and women more profoundly obvious than in their bathroom habits. Let us compare. A man, in his bathroom, will have seven items -- a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, shampoo and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in a woman’s bathroom is 337 most of which would be unidentifiable for a man. But it goes further than that.
How To Shower Like a Woman:
...• Take off clothing and place in sect-
...ioned laundry hamper according to
...lights and darks.
...• Walk to bathroom wearing long
...dressing gown. If you see husband
...along the way, cover exposed flesh
...and rush to the bathroom. Look at
...your womanly physique in mirror
...and stick out gut so you can comp-
...lain and whine even more about
...getting fat.
...• Get in shower. Look for facecloth,
...armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide
...loofah and pumice stone.
...• Wash hair once with Cucumber
...and Lamfrey shampoo with 83
...added vitamins.
...• Wash hair again with Cucumber
...and Lamfrey shampoo with 83
...added vitamins.
...• Condition hair with Cucumber and
...Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with
...natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for
...fifteen minutes. Wash face with
...crushed apricot facial scrub for ten
...minutes until red raw.
...• Wash entire rest of body with
...Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body
...wash.
...• Rinse conditioner off hair (taking at
...least fifteen minutes to make sure it
...has all come off).
...• Shave armpits and legs. Consider
...shaving bikini area but decide to get
...it waxed instead.
...• Scream loudly when husband
...flushes toilet and you lose the water
...pressure.
...• Turn off shower.
...• Squeegee all wet surfaces in
...shower. Spray mould spots with
...Tilex.
...• Get out of shower. Dry with towel
...the size of a small African Country.
...• Wrap hair in super absorbent ...second towel. Check entire body for
...remotest sign of a zit. Attack with
...nails/tweezers if found.
...• Return to bedroom wearing long
...dressing gown and towel on head.
...• If you see husband along the way,
...cover up exposed areas, then rush
...to bedroom to spend an hour and a
...half getting dressed.
How To Shower Like A Man:
...• Take off clothes while sitting on
...edge of bed and leave them in a pile.
...• Walk naked to the bathroom. If you
...see your wife along the way, shake
...cock at her and make "woo" sound.
...• Look at manly physique in mirror
...and suck in gut to see if you have
...pecs (no).
...• Admire size of cock in the mirror,
...scratch arse and smell fingers for
...one last whiff.
...• Get in the shower. Don't bother to
...look for washcloth (you don't use
...one).
...• Wash face, then armpits. Crack up
...at how loud fart sounds in the
...shower.
...• Wash privates and surrounding
...area. Wash arse, leaving hair on the
...bar of soap.
...• Shampoo hair (do not use condit-
...ioner).
...• Make a shampoo Mohawk.
...• Pull back shower curtain and look
...at yourself in the mirror.
...• Piss (in the shower).
...• Rinse off and get out of the shower.
...Fail to notice water on floor because
...you left curtain hanging out of tub the
...whole time. Partially dry off.
...• Look at self in the mirror, flex
...muscles.
...• Admire cock size again.
...• Leave shower curtain open, wet
...bath mat on floor. Leave bathroom
...fan and light on.
...• Return to bedroom with towel
...around waist. If you pass your wife,
...pull off the towel, grab your cock, go
..."Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis
...at her.
...• Throw wet towel on the bed. Take
...2 minutes to get dressed.
...Oh dear, us guys didn’t emerge too well out of that one. But we did emerge not being much older than when we went in. Which is more than most of the ladies can say.
...And that is the trouble, for the picture we have of ourselves in not quite the same as the picture women have of us. Let us take our comparison further and compare what constitutes a perfect day for both of the sexes. First the ladies:
THE PERFECT DAY
FOR HER
...08:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses;
...08:30 Weigh in 2kg lighter than
...yesterday;
...08:45 Breakfast in bed, freshly
...squeezed orange juice and croiss-
...ants, presents - expensive jewellery
...chosen by thoughtful partner;
...09:15 Soothing hot bath with frangi-
...pani bath oil;
...10:00 Light work out at club with
...handsome funny personal trainer;
...12:00 Lunch with best friend at fash-
...ionable outdoor cafe;
...13:00 Catch sight of husband/boy-
...friend's ex and notices she has
...gained 7kg;
...15:00 Nap;
...16:00 Three dozen roses delivered
...by florist, card is from secret admirer;
...16:15 Light work out at club, followed
...by massage from strong but gentle
...hunk who says he rarely gets to
...work on such a perfect body;
...17:30 Choose outfit from expensive
...designer wardrobe, parade before
...full length mirror;
...19:30 Candle lit dinner for two foll-
...owed by dancing, with compliments
...received from other diners/dancers;
...10:00 Hot shower (alone)
...10:50 Carried to bed . . . (freshly
...ironed, crisp, new white linen);
...11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and
...cuddling;
...11:15 Fall asleep in his big strong
...arms.
FOR HIM
...06:00 Alarm;
...06:15 Blow job;
...06:30 Massive satisfying dump while
...reading the sports section;
...07:00 Breakfast, rump steak and
...eggs, coffee and toast all cooked by
...buxom wench;
...07:30 Limo arrives;
...07:45 Several whisky's en route to
...airport;
...09:15 Flight in personal Lear jet;
...09:30 Limo to Riverside Oaks golf
...club (blow job en route);
...09:45 Play front nine (2 under);
.. 11:45 Lunch. Pie, chips and gravy,
...3 lagers and bottle of Don Perignon;
.. 12:15 Blow job;
...12:30 Play back nine (4 under);
...14:15 Limo back to airport (several
NEXT COLUMN
|
|
|
...PLAIN TEXT
Continued from previous page
CUNNING STUNTS
Continued . . . .
THE MIND OF MARKETING --
......................YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED
...We are particularly fond of some of the UK’s labelling triumphs. Lead-
ing the field is giant grocers, Sainsbury. Their packets of peanuts
include a warning stating ‘This product contains nuts’ and their mineral
PLAIN TEXT
THE MISSING WARNING
One warning that every product should have on it is: ‘Keep away from idiots.’ But some things are just . . . . kinda obvious. Aren’t they? Apparantly not to every one, it would seem.
...In Philadelphia a woman is suing the pharmacy that sold her a popular contraceptive jelly - because she ate the stuff on toast and got pregnant anyway. And, incredibly, many legal experts are saying she's got an excellent chance of collecting! "The woman is a complete idiot," said one attor- ney who asked that we not use his name. "How bright can you be if you think eating a vaginal gel will prevent conception? "But certain aspects of the case involve truth in labelling and false advertising issues. She may not collect but she'll make a lot of noise and trouble. People are down on lawyers anyway. They think we waste time and money on frivolous lawsuits. This isn't going to help our public relations any."
...A spokesman for the unnamed mom-and-pop drugstore says he's shocked and angry that such a case could ever be taken seriously. "All she has to do is open the box and read the directions," says the spokesman. "Next thing you know someone will come after us because they couldn't stick things together with their toothpaste. "I can just imagine some moron saying: 'It's paste, isn't it? Why can't I glue these papers onto my bulletin board?' "But attorneys for Mrs. Chyton say she was swindled and lied to by implication and they intend to make the pharmacy pay $500,000 for the hardship the woman will have to endure.
.."It says right on it 'jelly,'" says Mrs. Chyton, a former model who was once a cheerleader for a popular professional basketball team. "And they kept it on the shelf just two aisles from the food section. I know, now, that the directions say it should be used vaginally with a condom. "But who has time to sit around reading directions these days - especially when you're sexually aroused? "The company should call it some- thing else and the pharmacy shouldn't sell it without telling each and every customer who buys it that eating it won't prevent you from getting pregnant." As bizarre as it sounds, the pharmacy could wind up losing the lawsuit.
..."It's hard for businesses to avoid troublesome lawsuits," said another attorney. "With the courts bending over back- wards to please consumer groups, the temper of the times is perfect for these crackpots to bring legal action against businesses - even a moronic legal action like this." |
water is, it seems, ‘suitable for
vegetarians.’ Another and better
known British shopping institution,
Marks & Spencers, also do a
particularly nice line in obvious
labelling. Their bread and butter
pudding warns: ‘Product will be hot
after heating.’ The States also has
its moments. Nabisco Easy Cheese
(in a tube) contains the instruction:
“For best results, remove cap.’ And
we particularly like the Heinz
Ketchup bottle that offers the
instruction: ‘Put on food.’ And there
we were considering adding a little
savour to our sex lives.
...But they are only looking after our
health. Clearly that is the concern of
the Korean Kitchen Knife manufact-
urers who tell buyers of their knives
to ‘Keep out of children’ and of the
diving board maker who ships his
boards with a slip saying: ‘All divers
must land in water.’ But we do
probably need the odd reminder.
That is why some frozen meals
feature the phrase: ‘Serving
Suggestion - Defrost’ and a helmet-
mounted mirror that is used by
motor cyclists in the US features
the words: ‘Remember, objects in
the mirror are actually behind you.’
Some of the warnings, however,
read more like user suggestions
than warnings. We are not quite
sure where the warning on a Sear’s
hairdryer that says ‘Do not use
while sleeping’ fits but we know
another hairdryer manufacturer who
says “Do not use in shower’ is
absolutely right. But the air condit-
ioner unit that advises: “Caution.
Avoid dropping out of windows’ and
the vacuum cleaner that includes
the warning ‘Do not pick up gasoline
or flammable liquids’ and follows it
with ‘Do not use to pick up anything
that is currently burning’ both
propose some worthwhile suggest-
ions for those who might aspire to a
Darwin Award. Good advice, too, is
to be found with a car fanbelt prod-
uced by one of the largest car
accessory manufacturers: ‘Before
installing this fanbelt, be sure you
shut off the engine as it may cause
irreversible injury..’ But it is not just
machinery and electrical appliances
that allow marketing men to astound
us with their regard for our health.
Around the home, too, they are
giving a thought to you and yours.
That is why they include the advice
on Bowl Fresh lavatory freshener:
‘Safe to use around pets and child-
ren, although it is not recommended
that either be permitted to drink
from the toilet.’
...All the jokes about unintelligible
VCR manuals are only funny until
one buys a VCR with an unintellig-
ible manual. Our own VCR manual
is not only totally unintelligible, it is
totally unintelligible in Dutch. It
doesn’t help when you have things
like computers telling you: “Key-
board not detected. Press any key
to continue.’ But some in the new
technology field are trying to do
something about it. For example,
the Lucent Technologies Model
6210 Telephone instruction book
contains the following good advice’
To place or answer a call, lift the
handset. To place a call, dial the desired number. To end the call, hang up the handset. To put a call on Hold: Press ‘Hold.’’ Also excellent advice but not for a particularly high
tech product is the tampon instruction sheet in which the final step is:
‘Pull up underwear.’
...There are, of course, many strange warnings coming with foreign
products but there are also some pretty strange ones going out on
exports. A Korean made blanket includes the warning: ‘Not to be used
as protection from a tornado.’ And a Swedish Chain Saw says; ‘Do not
attempt to stop chain with hands or genitals.’ Okaaaay. It is not just on
products coming out of foreign parts that strange labelling exists. We
give ‘em some of our best. For example, in some countries on the bottom of Coke bottles it says: ‘Open other end.’
VIRTUAL STUPIDITY --
..TURN PC TO PC BUT THERE IS NO EC
 ove ‘em, hate ‘em, don’t understand ‘em but can’t live without
‘em. Computers, dear reader. We are talking about computers.
On the entry page to this site (and, indeed, on our posters and
flyers) it says: “For people who enjoy the best things in life but own a
computer anyway.’ And isn’t that the way of it for most of us. For some,
the computer can be a joy. For others it's a toy. Or a library. Or a
workhorse. A friend. A matchmaker. A business. A substitute for
actually having to go out and talk to real people. It is many things to
many people. But not all of them are good. For some it is a fiend, a
grey clad electronic devil, a cunning temptress who turns into a prick-
teaser. But for many it just a simple source of frustration, confusion
and unfulfilled potential.
...As with the whole of this column, our purpose here is not to draw
your attention to your failure to come to terms with new technology but
to give you something to feel superior about. To this end, here are
some of the best computer stories we’ve found.
A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that's a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."
|
Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
...Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob.”
Customer: "What do you mean?"
...Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob.”
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"
|
This guy calls in to complain that he gets an "Access Denied" message every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his username and password in capital letters.
...Tech Support: "OK, let's try once more, but use lower case letters." Customer: "Ooh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."
"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"
..."Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
..."Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
..."They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
..."Nothing."
"Nothing?"
..."It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
..."How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
..."What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?" ..."There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
..."What's a monitor?
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
..."I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
..."Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
..."Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
..."No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
..."Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
..."I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
..."No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
..."Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
..."Yes -- the light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the light then."
..."I can't."
"No? Why not?"
..."Because there's a power failure."
"A power ... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
..."Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
..."Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
..."Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them that you're too fucking stupid to own a computer."
|
...One of the great things about computers is that everyone uses them
- black, white, yellow, straight, gay, well-formed or deformed, tall or
short, it doesn’t matter. The same goes for nationalities. Computers
are used by just about every nationality. The good thing about the
international thing is that it gives us the opportunity to combine our
xenophobia with our technophobia. Rab C. Nesbit fans watch out.
...(Anglo-American Cultural Note: Rab C. Nesbit is a character in a
popular British satire about the life of an unemployed drunkard in
Glasgow. Glasgow is a city in Sco’land. Traditionally one of the poorest
cities in the UK, it has high levels of alcoholism, drug use and unem-
ployment but is renowned for a cultural heritage that goes back at least
as far as Billy Connolly and but is really only about pubs. Glaswegian is
a dialect that sounds like a whole language.)
This is an announcement from the Microsoft Corporation:
|
‘It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Glasgow edition of Windows 2000 may have accidentally been shipped outside Glasgow. If you have one of the Glasgow editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The Glasgow edition may be recognised by looking at the opening screen. It reads Windaes 2000 with a background picture of a Buckfast bottle superimposed on a Clydebank flag. It is shipped with a Buckfast screen saver.
If these clues are insufficient to identify your copy of Windows 2000.
Please also note:
...The Recycle Bin is labelled ‘Oot tae fuck.’
...Dialup Networking is called ‘Ma Mates.’
...Control Panel is known as ‘How Tae Fuck Aboot Wi The
...Settins’
...Hard Drive is referred to as ‘Big Disk.’
...Floppies are known as ‘Them Wee Plastic Bastards.’
The Windaes 2000 package also include a number of changes to dialog boxes and buttons: |
| OK = ‘its aww-right’ |
cancel = ‘fuck off’ |
| yes = ’aye’ |
no = ‘nay fuckin' chance’ |
| find = ‘get it yer fuckin' sel' |
go to = ‘orr therr’ |
| help = ‘ah cannae dae it’ |
stop = ‘gie's fuckin' peace’ |
| start = ‘fuckin' move’ |
settings = ‘settins’ |
| programs = ‘stuff at does stuff’ |
personal folder = ‘ma shit’ |
Also note that c 2000 does not recognise capital letters or punctuation marks.
Some programs that are exclusive to Windaes 2000: ........Tiperiter = a word processor;
........Cullerin book = a graphics program;
........Addin’ mershene = calculator;
........Scratch paper = notepad (usually unused);
........Sounds = CD player;
........Porn = Microsoft Internet Explorer;
........Pikchers = a graphics viewer;
........Dole money = M/S accounting software;
........Sellik = a spreadsheet of Celtic F.C.'s recent scores.
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the Glasgow edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.’
|
...While we’re on the subject of nationalities and computers, here is
the Irish Virus:
‘Hello, I'm a virus from Ireland.
...............Please forward this email to all the contacts in your personal address book. Then delete all the files on your hard disk. That's grand, t’anks very much.’
|
...Well, it’s better than blowing people up. Although those who have
had the virus experience -- which means everyone who doesn’t own
a Macintosh -- might feel differently. Although in the final analysis, the
overwhelming volume of the voice of the bomb victims must win,
viruses are one of the curses of modern civilisation. The trouble is that
they get more and more sophisticated. Here are some of the latest
viruses to set your paranoia racing:
CLINTON VIRUS
Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.
VIAGRA VIRUS
Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
LEWINSKY VIRUS
Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails everyone
about what it did.
RONALD REAGAN VIRUS
Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
MIKE TYSON VIRUS Quits after two bytes.
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS
Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100MB, then slowly
expands to 200 MB
DISNEY VIRUS
Everything in your computer goes Goofy.
PROZAC VIRUS
Screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS
Terminates some files, leaves, but it will be BAAAAACK.
LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS
Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it
through Windows.
...And finally in the data day section of Cunning Stunts, what should be
the greatest segue ever -- if only we can get the Mr and Miss Oginy
column near.
An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language. He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she".
...One of the students raised their hand and asked, "What "gender" is a computer?" The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
...The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
......1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
......2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
......3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems,
...but half the time they ARE the problem.
......4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you
...had waited a little longer, you could have had a better
...model.
...The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
......1. No one but their creator understands their internal
...logic.
......2. The native language they use to communicate with
...other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
......3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term
...memory for later retrieval.
......4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find
...yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
PLAIN TEXT • TOP OF PAGE
|
|
he trouble with Political Correctness is that it takes all
londes have more fun, so they say. We wonder why that is. Is it because they have difficulty knowing whether they are happy or not, laughing or crying, dead or alive? Or could it be because only blondes get to be 'bombshells'? Who cares, anyway. So, just to be unfair to as many social groups as possible, here are a couple of good blonde jokes