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COFFEEHOUSE CULTURE -- Issue 2

PAGE TWENTY-FOUR; COLUMN

Jonathan Swift .......................

WE MAY HAVE THE HORRORS BUT WE CAN COPE 'CAUSE WE HAVE . . .

ARIES
Oh dear, how thoroughly misjudged you are, you Arians. It is not without some meaning that your sign is that of the ram. Hardly a sacred animal, the ram is known for its hard head and excessive attitudes. Excessive sex, excessive eating, excessive banging its head against things. And that is your problem -- excessive. Moderation is not something you possess. You have a big, sometimes overwhelming, personality and a high energy (or is that stress?) approach to conversation, which you tend to dominate if not take it over. Believe me, those assertiveness classes are a waste of money; any more assertive and you'd be despotic. You speak loudly and gesture wildly; you are an expected gentle breeze that turns out to be a bloody tornado; you are totally out of control but only you don't realise it. Your lack of moderation is usually interpreted as a positive quality that is responible for your hands on, let's-make-things-happen attitude. That, however, is not the case. It is your lack of moderation that makes you jump before you have heard even half the story. Carefully considered action is something you would never recognise. This causes you many problems. Not least that people tend to think you are bonkers. However, that doesn't bother you because, unfortunately, your lack of moderation is bolstered by an extremely arrogant approach to life.
ADVICE FOR THE FUTURE: Shut up and give other people a chance to speak; think before you act; hard though it may be, try to enjoy what you are; if possible change your star sign to something offering more hope.
SACRED APPLIANCE: Feather duster.
YOUR KEY PHRASE: I am.

TAURUS
Taurus is one of my favourite signs, maybe because with their bull necks and fat ears they make almost everyone else feel attractive. Of course, it could be their bull-like genitalia if they had bull-like genitalia. But, unfortunately, in my experience . . . .Despite that. you gotta love a sign that has as its mineral, topsoil. I mean, sod me, but isn't that an insult or something? It is, however, perfectly compatible with the ecological bent many Taurans possess. Taurans are, at least, stable, solid and reliable. They make excellent husbands (apart from the pizzle problem) because they are so acquisitive. However, one of their acquisitions could be a mistressbecause they think they have bigger dicks than they actually have. Hopefully their singular unattractiveness will be a barrier between them and infidelity. It is, however, money that they really love. Greed is their middle name and the music that pleases most their ears is the chink of coin upon coin.
ADVICE FOR THE FUTURE: No china shops, okay?; no bullshit, okay?; if insulted turn the udder cheek; money can't buy you happiness but who needs happiness if you have an 18 year old mistress.
SACRED APPLIANCE: Calculator.
YOUR KEY PHRASE: I have.

GEMINI
Okay, I want all you Geminis to form two lines. And we'll have no talking there. I know you are all going to find that hard, you affable, communicative and thoroughly intrusive crowd of now-you-see-me-now-you-don't freaks. Oh, you are all so agreeable but that is only because you can accommodate two completely different sets of values. Ever heard of schizophrenia? But credit where credit is due, you are intelligent and versatile and good conversationalists. It is just that you are so unbelievably nice that makes us all detest Geminis so much. That and the fact that you are often so deceptive. Some people have one hand behind their backs but you have a whole person. And it is not always the case that one side of your severely disfunctional personality knows what the other side is saying and doing. Convenient, huh? But, like your mineral, mercury, you flow in the direction of the incline and can change direction instantly. So obviously you cannot be relied upon for anything.
ADVICE FOR THE FUTURE: You cannot look in both directions at the same time; one of you is enough for most people; schizophrenia is a mental illness not a gift from God.
SACRED APPLIANCE: Polygraph machine.
YOUR KEY PHRASE: I think.

CANCER
All Cancerians have a bit of a gender problem. It is all that wishy washy moon stuff. Maybe that is why you are one of the only two signs in the zodiac that does not share its ruling planet with others. Despite the watery influence of the moon, Cancerians manage to compensate by having egos like barrage balloons and being as loud-mouthed and obnoxious as they possibly can. Good on yer Cancer, go with those instincts (however wrong they might be,) play that emotional orchestra that distinguishes you from all other signs and breathe deeply of your chosen perfume, Scent of Cleavage. Although all you male Cancerians might think you can mother us wymyn, don't bother big boy, you are out of your class. Remember we are the ones with breasts and you are the ones with the interest. Despite that, deep in the core of the family unit, somewhere, there is a Cancerian heart beating. While they might be reflections of the Goddess of the Night Sky, Cancerians are not all soft and cuddly. Far from it. They have a challenging attitude that can easily -- on a swing of emotion -- turn to abusiveness. Cancerians should be careful who they marry. Their intellectual capabilities demand a partner who is not a vegetable but their stay home attitudes suggest that legs are superfluous in the Cancerian relationship. Maybe that is why they hang-in there with their crablike claws locked tenaciously around the sorry mess they call their lives.
ADVICE FOR THE FUTURE: Holidays can be nice, try one; 82% of cancerian marrages break up at home.
SACRED APPLIANCE: All.
YOUR KEY PHRASE: I feel.

LEO
Leo, ruled by the sun, dominates the sky. But it is only your sky, sunshine. The rest of us can see you for the domineering, egomanic, self-opinionated and heavy-handed control freak you are. There is nothing wishy washy about you, is there? You are one of the most self-aware signs of the zodiac but it is just that giant ego making its presence felt again. Although you can be an original thinker and very creative, everything you do is filtered through the tissues of your ego and emerges with its essence removed. Like the lord of the jungle you arrogantly stride through the forests of life growling at anyone who does not acknowledge your supremacy. But we all know that is because in your heart of hearts, you realise that the Lion in the Wizard of Oz was for real. But it's okay, we won't tell anyone. Meanwhile you can swagger through life, strutting your pride thingy. But what is it that comes before a fall -- apart from a nice summer? That is right, it is pride. Your downfall and our despair. If ever there was an unworthy quality pride must be it. It is based on nothing good, has no social value and can be a real pain in the ass. But leonine you is not going to let an ass get in the way. You thumb your nose at donkeys.
ADVICE FOR THE FUTURE: The world may be your playground but you do not own the swings; by the law of averages, everyone else cannot be wrong; it is not incumbent on you to try to live other people's lives.
SACRED APPLIANCE: Television.
YOUR KEY PHRASE: I create.

VIRGO
The sacred virgins of ancient temples, live on in your star sign, but your cherry has long since been popped for, dear Virgo, you are far too sagacious and wise to stay intacto forever. Although your sign harks back to the ancient rituals -- sexual and otherwise -- that excite the mind-body connection which exists spontaneously within you, you are also the sign of the future. Your sacred mineral is silicon. Your sacred fabric is polyester. Your sacred liquid is Red Bull. The shiny suit, the laptop and all that caffeine make a major contribution to your role as a mentor, counsellor and teacher. Like the vestal virgins of old, your middle name is 'service' and you believe in being helpful and co-operative. You are, however, not without some negative qualities -- you can be over analytical, over critical and somewhat slothful. Indeed, it is a shame you are such lazy buggers. Sloths are never appealing and do not breed in captivitiy but you are the virgin, so presumably you do not breed anywhere. Although you are in the service of something or other, and even you probably don't know what, you have an admiration for mavericks and others who possess the courage to break out of the compound.
ADVICE FOR THE FUTURE: Keep your hand on your ha'penny; service is not included.
SACRED APPLIANCE: Computer.
YOUR KEY PHRASE: I analyse.

LIBRA
If Virgo is the sign of the temple virgins, Libra is that of the prostitutes. Yes, Libra, you are the sluttiest sign in the zodiac. It is not so surprising that your knickers are so often round your ankles as your ruling planet is Venus, the lurve planet. You have a high appreciation of art and beauty but your whole life is concentrated around the genito-urinrary tract and that makes you something of a piss artist. Of all the signs you are the one that most favours affiliations and relationships and, indeed, you do attract love. Of all the signs, you are the most interactive, interpersonal and depressingly clingy. But the fact that your really special skill lies in the relationship field could make you the ideal partner for the right person. The fact that you are a thinking person with a good mind and have a well balanced set of attitudes, is just another reason for most other signs to dislike you intensely. The trouble is that like so many of the better signs, you are overwhelmed by your ego. The very high regard you have for yourself is way out of proportion and although your natural diplomacy would not bring the word to your mind, vanity is a keynote quality in the Libran character. Vanity, however, is a fragile quality and needs to be constantly fed by casual and meaningless sex.
ADVICE FOR THE FUTURE: Of course, we'll respect you in the morning; screaming out your own name during orgasm is very unbecoming; no, your bum doesn't look fat in that; open relationships work for you
SACRED APPLIANCE: Condom.
YOUR KEY PHRASE: I balance.

SCORPIO
Scorpios get a lot of bad press. It must be because they are so creepy. And lethal. The one and only sign to be ruled by Mickey Mouse's dog, Scorpio is an intense and focused sign that enjoys exploring the esoteric. With a strong interest in secret things, in the hidden powers and in breaking down the taboos that exist in society, Scorpio is the sign of the magician and witch. And the pervert. Ever seeking insight but always in the wrong places, Scorpio is an explorer of the underworld. Or is that underwear? But it is not as benign as that. The fact that Scorpios have a wrathful attitude to life and enjoy the odd demolition derby make it frighteningly obvious that Scorpios are pretty bad news. All this is even more terrifying when one considers that their sacred mineral is plutonium. Transformation is one of the keynote qualities of Scorpio and radiation sickness certainly provokes transformation. Thankfully, however, most Scorpios have the insight to realise that mass destruction is going to get them, too.
ADVICE FOR THE FUTURE: Try to make sure there is one; 'the Spawn of Beelzebub' is only a phrase.
SACRED APPLIANCE: Fire extinguisher.
YOUR KEY PHRASE: I desire.

SAGITTARIUS
Much beloved by airline companies, Sagittarians are the astrological fidgits who cannot stay in one place for longer than it takes to go, wipe and wash. They are the Philius Foggs of modern society, hurtling around the world in 80 hours. Internationalists, world travellers, backpackers, lost people, tramps and those who cannot afford to use public transport, all these are archetypical Sagittarians. It is not so much that they are restless, it is more that their sign is one of the most expansive. For them there have never been borders. There are no fences, no boundaries, no paths to follow. There is only freedom, complete and utter freedom. The freedom to check out that belief that the grass really is greener on the far side of the hill, sea or world. It is your eternal optimism that keeps you looking. The fact that the other freedom you enjoy most is the freedom to stuff your face probably means you are a lard ball. Your liberal attitudes and your highly developed social skills make you a friend to many. But, you'll notice that none of us try to stop you when the travel bug bites.
ADVICE FOR THE FUTURE: Air Miles; 'expansion' is not necessarily a physical quality.
SACRED APPLIANCE: Anything in another country
YOUR KEY PHRASE: I see.

CAPRICORN
Capricorn is the pushy sign. It is all sharp elbows and bony knees. These are the dry as dust, calculating, ambitious buggers we all detest. There is so much to dislike about Capricorns, it is difficult to know where to start. Extremely hard working, if it wasn't for people like them you would not have been passed over for that last promotion. On the other hand where would we be without accountants and lawyers? It is the sign of the professional, of the social and ecomonic leader. One of the most Dickensian of star signs, Capricorns are decision-makers, organisers and misers. It is this last quality that makes Capricorns so successful in life. They are mean and dispassionate, cold and uncaring, pragmatists and control freaks. They wear grey or pin-striped clothing -- their astrological colours -- and wear a carnation -- their astrological ersatrz milk product -- in their buttonholes. They are leaders and not followers and their chosen exercsie is climbing -- both social and rock. Capricorns make good soldiers; their lack of humanity, lack of feeling and totally disinterested attitudes are regarded as virtues in the army. Elsewhere most of us do our best to avoid such boring, uninspiring and cold people. Which is okay with most of them because they are focused on getting ahead, acquiring power, getting some status and getting a lot of money and keeping it. But, as we said, where would we be without accountants and lawyers.
ADVICE FOR THE FUTURE: Try not to be Mr Burns; remember Uriah Heap, what a band.
SACRED APPLIANCE:Other peoples'.
YOUR KEY PHRASE: I utilise.

AQUARIUS
Aquarius, despite its obvious aquatic associations, has little to do with water and is actually one of the least wet signs. Often original thinkers, Aquarius is the sign of the inventor, the story-teller and the liar. The inclination of Aquarians is always towards modification, Indeed, they just can't leave things alone. This is both a vice and a virtue. Modification comes whether whatever it is needs modifying or not. Although Aquarians have insightful and original minds, they make poor artists being unable to finish anything. As painters they overpaint and writers they underwrite. Best to stick to the lying, I would say. One thing Aquarians are not is warm and friendly; cold and distant is more like it. Although they would like to be friendly, there is something that stops them. Of all the signs, they are among the most self-contained. But they dohave a nasty cruel streak that can leave their friends and lovers slightly scarred. Like many of the signs, Aquarius stands in stark contrast to the sign that precedes it. Unlike Caps, Aquarians are certainly not straight and boring. Indeed, some of the world's great eccentrics, weirdos, space cadets and nutters were Aquarians.
ADVICE FOR THE FUTURE: Don't touch; you CAN let other people into 'your space'; get a mobile phone so people will think you are talking to someone else when you are talking to yourself; wearing live animals really is strange.
SACRED APPLIANCE:Anything broken.
YOUR KEY PHRASE: I know.

PISCES
There is nothing fishy in the fact that one of the wettest signs is Pisces. It is another of the priest/priestess signs. Dreamers, idealists, visionaries, bullshitters, they have a strong orientation towards the subtle aspects of life. Lost in the ethereal planes where life and all its events become mere ciphers for more arcane forms of cosmic expression, Pisces people are often into divination or making it up as you go along, as most people call it. They can, therefore, be deemed to be full of crap and hardly worth bothering with. They are the astrologers, the chicken entrail readers, the seers and far-sighted. At least, that is what it says in my book. It is, however, the case that Pisceans are often more motivated by fantasy than reality and maybe that accounts for their belief in their own psychic powers. They are, of course, the only ones who think they are psychic; the rest of us just think they are weird. It is said that they can bring clarity to a situation but only if you work with them and then the clarity would seem to be somewhat clouded by their indolent and self-opinionated attitudes. Still at least you can have sympathy for them, they have plenty of compassion to spare for you.
ADVICE FOR THE FUTURE: Get a real job; there is such a thing as coincidence; the cards do lie.
SACRED APPLIANCE: Anti-static cloth.
YOUR KEY PHRASE: I believe.