In these troubled times, there are few arbours of peace and tranquility. In this hurly burly life, in all this hectic and even frantic activity, beyond all the pressures and worries, we all need somewhere to sit quietly reflect on life. But just sitting and reflecting is such a waste of time. Idle hands, as we all know, make mischief. That is why we are on the brink of war, why the world is crumbling, why we all live in fear. It is because our world leaders have idle hands. If only they would learn to knit. Perhaps if that handsome and charming Mr Bush -- isn't it nice to have such a James Bond figure at the head of a major country? -- were to learn to make use of his knitting needles he would be able to knit a nice new foreign policy. And what about Tony Blah. There's another one with time on his hands but with a limited wardrobe of knitwear. Instead of making war on oil rich Middle Eastern countries, he could be knitting a nice new reputation for his wife and perhaps something for the baby as well.
....But, if you feel as strongly about world politics and knitting as do I, you cannot just sit back and let our leaders wear shop-bought knitwear. Now is the time to take up the needles, to dig out that pattern, to buy up the wool and knit. Knit like you have never knitted before. Knit for Peace. Knit for World Peace. And the worst that can happen is that you will end up with a nice pullover or cardigan to keep you warm when the central heating goes off after the nuclear holocaust.
....If we cannot get world leaders to pick up the needles for themsleves, maybe it is time for us knitters, for the almost silent majority (except for the clicking) to make a bit more noise. Plans are already under way for massed protest knit-ins outside the British Houses of Parliament, the US White House and the CNN building in New York. Meanwhile outside the UN building a team of crack knitters, including that nice Koffie Annan, will be producing the longest scarf in the world. Stretching almost 14 times around the earth, this scarf will be our inspirational peace offering to the Middle East. As each Middle Eastern citizen wraps his statuatory two and half feet of scarf around his or her neck, we will be sending them a very clear message -- knit or else. And, of course, if they are knitting they have no hands free to fire those missiles. The result -- peace in the Middle East.
....It is a cunning plan but it just might work.
....But now we must leave world concerns and deal with some more personal ones. Oh dear, due to my excessive ranting, there doesn't seem much space left. Just four probelms this issue, I am afraid.

Dear Auntie Edith,
................I am burdoned with a hyperactive son with an excessive masturbation syndrome and a husband who is a complete and utter politician. How can I cure my loved ones of these unacceptable habits?
Yours sincerely,
White House Barby, Wash

Auntie Edith replies,
Dear White House Barby of Wash,
....Sorry it has taken me so long to get to your letter. I hope that in the eight years since you sent it to me, your burdens have eased. It can be hard dealing with these sorts of problems. They are both difficult to resolve. So far as your son is concerned, make sure he continues to take the prescribed amphetamines (and, if you are feeling a bit low, you might consider dropping a few yourself) and get him knitting. Gettting a grip on the membrum virilus is going to be much more difficult if his hands are full and the possiblility of needle wounds to the groinal area is always a disincentive. If erections are a problem, simply make use of erect penis as a wool spike; this is both utilitarian and -- I am told -- very pleasant. The fishy smell will easily wash out of the finished jumper.
....Unfortunately, your other problem is more difficult to solve. Politics is often a substitute for and distraction from mastrubation. Could it be that your son's disorder is genetic rather than merely genital? In the good old days, when a child could not get a grip on not getting a grip, politics or a career in the clergy were often the only answers. These days we know that there are far too many wankers in politics already. The world does not need more politicians but it will always need knitwear.
....Next!

Dear Auntie Edith,
................I have a sexual problem and no one to confide in. I am a devoted knitter and have been a reader of your column for many years. On your advice some years ago I started knitting my own underwear. Since then my sex life has dried up completely and I have developed a rash on my upper thighs. What can I do to revitalise my sex life?
Yours sincerely,
Crutchless, Croydon

Auntie Edith replies,
Dear Crutchless of Croydon,
....The only time I can remember suggesting knitting your own underwear was in an article in Forum magazine about alternative contraception. Could it be that you got hold of the wrong end of the stick . If so, that might explain much of your problem. One cannot hold a stick and the other 'icky' thing at the same time. Try wearing conventional underwear but do write in for my free pamplet on knitting your own condoms.
....Next!

Dear Auntie Edith,
...............What is the meaning of life?
Yours sincerely,
Bishop Rick, Canterbury

Auntie Edith replies,
Dear Bishop Rick of Canterbury,
....The Meaning of Life is a well known Monty Python movie. On a more metaphysicallevel, however, it is also a Monty Python movie. The movie is an allegory for life itself, illustrating once and for all that life has no meaning whatsoever unless one is rolling around laughing (or doing a bit of knitting.) Although there is much value in laughter, it is transitory and soon passes leaving one empty and exhausted and without a jumper to slip on. Knitting, on the other hand, provides more substantial meaning through a constantly expanding knitwear wardrobe. It is, of course, friends that give life much of its meaning and everyone loves a knitter. Finally, who needs Monty Python when, for the price of the wool and a few hours of work, one can knit ones own alternative comedy team.
....Next!

Dear Auntie Edith,
...............What is a computer virus and is it possible for humans to catch things from machines?
Yours sincerely,
Bill Gates, Cal

Auntie Edith replies,
Dear Bill Gates of Cal,
....You will be relieved to hear that it is impossible for computer viruses to be contracted by humans. Computer viruses are known to affect only thinking machines and the human being, as is well known, does not have capability.

....To all the poor lost souls out there whose problems I could not get to this time, I offer my apologies and the best advice I have -- keep on knitting. And, hopefully, when we meet again you will have tons of nice new cardies and pullovers and perhaps a bolero or two to show off. See you soon.