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COLUMN: The Horrors Cope -- Aries, Taurus, Gemini, Cancer, Leo, Virgo, Libra,
Scorpio, Sagittarius, Capricorn, Aquarius, Pisces | COLUMN: Ask Auntie Edith
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"Vision is the art of seeing the invisible."
.......................................................................................................................................Jonathan Swift

PLAIN TEXT
WE
MAY
HAVE
THE
HORRORS
BUT
WE CAN
COPE
'CAUSE
WE
HAVE . . .

The starship still cruises the heavens. High above like a David Bowie song
('Let's Dance',) the crew of the starship Enterandbedamned gaze down upon
this blue pearl set in a velvet cushion of darkness and snigger knowingly. It is
alright for them. They are dancing with the asteroids and sitting with the satellites.
While we, antlike but totally disorganised, try to cope with life. As the great ship
plummmets upward in search of the outer reaches of the universe, we can only wonder
what they have to tell us about the past, the present and the future. While they scan the
heavens, we scan the fridge. While they play with the Gods, we spend our time searching
for clean socks. While they monitor and plot the present and the future, we just try to
get laid. What hope is there for us? What we need is something to help us cope with
the rigours of life. Enter The Horrors Cope and our divine dominatrix with her visions
of your future. Yes, she has been flogging the stars to get them to give up their secrets.
And now she tells all . . . .

Oh dear, how thor-oughly misjudged you are, you Arians. It is not without some meaning that your sign is that of the ram. Hardly a sacred animal, the ram is known for its hard head and excessive attitudes. Excess-ive sex, excessive eating, excessive banging its head against things. And that is your problem -- excessive. Moderation is not something you possess. You have a big, sometimes overwhelming, personality and a high energy (or is that stress?) approach to conversation, which you tend to dominate if not take it over. Believe me, those assertiveness classes are a waste of money; any more assertive and you'd be despotic. You speak loudly and gesture wildly; you are an expected gentle breeze that turns out to be a bloody tornado; you are totally out of control but only you don't realise it. Your lack of moderation is usually interpreted as a positive quality that is responible for your hands on, let's-make-things-happen attitude. That, however, is not the case. It is your lack of moderation that makes you jump before you have heard even half

the story. Care-fully considered action is some-thing you would never recognise. This causes you many problems. Not least that people tend to think you are bonkers. However, that doesn't bother you because, unfortunately, your lack of moderation is bolstered by an extremely arrogant approach to life.

and very creative, everything you do
is filtered through the tissues of your
ego and emerges with its essence
removed. Like the lord of the jungle
you arrogantly stride through the
forests of life growling at anyone who
does not acknowledge your suprem-
acy. But we all know that is because
in your heart of hearts, you realise
that the Lion in the Wizard of Oz was
for real. But it's okay, we won't tell
anyone. Meanwhile you can swagger
through life, strutting your pride
thingy. But what is it that comes
before a fall -- apart from a nice
summer? That is right, it is pride.

Your downfall and
our despair. If ever
there was an
unworthy quality
pride must be it. It
is based on
nothing good, has
no social value
and can be a real
pain in the ass. But leonine you is not
going to let an ass get in the way. You
thumb your nose at donkeys.
ADVICE FOR THE FUTURE: The
world may be your playground but
you do not own the swings; by the
law of averages, everyone else can-
not be wrong; it is not incumbent on
you to try to live other people's lives.
SACRED APPLIANCE: Television.
YOUR KEY PHRASE: I create.

The sacred virgins of
ancient temples, live
on in your star sign,
but your cherry has
long since been
popped for, dear
Virgo, you are far too
sagacious and wise to stay intacto

scarred. Like many of the signs, Aquarius stands in stark contrast to the sign that precedes it. Unlike Caps, Aquarians are certainly not straight and boring. Indeed, some of the world's great eccentrics, weirdos, space cadets and nutters were Aquarians.
ADVICE FOR THE FUTURE: Don't touch; you CAN let other people into 'your space'; get a mobile phone so people will think you are talking to someone else when you are talking to yourself; wearing live animals really is strange.
SACRED APPLIANCE:Anything broken.
YOUR KEY PHRASE: I know.

There is nothing fishy in the fact that one of the wettest signs is Pisces. It is another of the priest/priestess signs. Dreamers, idealists, visionaries, bullshitters, they have a strong orientation towards the subtle aspects of life. Lost in the ethereal planes

where life and all its events become mere ciphers for more arcane forms of cosmic expression, Pisces people are often into divination or making it up as you go along, as most people call it. They can, therefore, be deemed to be full of crap and hardly worth bothering with. They are the astrologers, the chicken entrail readers, the seers and far-sighted. At least, that is what it says in my book. It

ADVICE FOR THE FUTURE: Shut up and give other people a chance to speak; think before you act; hard though it may be, try to enjoy what you are; if possible change your star sign to something offering more hope.
SACRED APPLIANCE: Feather duster.
YOUR KEY PHRASE: I am.

Taurus is one of my favourite signs, maybe because with their bull necks and fat ears they make almost everyone else feel attractive. Of course, it could be their bull-like genitalia if they had bull-like genitalia. But, unfortunately, in my experience . . . .Despite that. you gotta love a sign that has as its mineral, topsoil. I mean,

forever. Although your sign harks
back to the ancient rituals -- sexual
and otherwise -- that excite the mind-
body connection which exists spont-
an

eously within
you, you are
also the sign of
the future. Your
sacred mineral
is silicon.
Your sacred
fabric is poly-
ester. Your
sacred liquid
is Red Bull.
The shiny suit, the laptop and all that caffeine make a major contribution to
your role as a mentor, counsellor and
teacher. Like the vestal virgins of old,
your middle name is 'service' and
you believe in being helpful and co-
operative. You are, however, not

is, however, the case that Pisceans are often more motivated by fantasy than reality and maybe that accounts for their belief in their own psychic powers. They are, of course, the only ones who think they are psychic; the rest of us just think they are weird. It is said that they can bring clarity to a situation but only if you work with them and then the clarity would seem to be somewhat clouded by their indolent and self-opinionated attitudes. Still at least you can have sympathy for them, they have plenty of compassion to spare for you.
ADVICE FOR THE FUTURE: Get a real job; there is such a thing as coincidence; the cards do lie.
SACRED APPLIANCE: Anti-static cloth.
YOUR KEY PHRASE: I believe.
PLAIN TEXT • TOP OF PAGE

sod me, but isn't that an insult or some- thing? It is, however, perfectly compatible with the ecological bent many Taurans possess. Taurans are, at least, stable, solid and reliable. They make excellent husbands (apart from the pizzle problem) because they are so acquisitive. However, one of their acquisitions could be a mistress

because they think they have bigger dicks than they actually have. Hopefully their singular unattractiveness will be a barrier between them and infidelity. It is, however, money that they really love. Greed is their middle name and the music that pleases most their ears is the chink of coin upon coin.
ADVICE FOR THE FUTURE: No china shops, okay?; no bullshit, okay?; if insulted turn the udder cheek; money can't buy you happiness but who needs happiness if you have an 18 year old mistress.
SACRED APPLIANCE: Calculator.
YOUR KEY PHRASE: I have.

Okay, I want all you Geminis to form two lines. And we'll have no talking there. I know you are all going to find that hard, you affable, communicat-ive and thoroughly intrusive crowd of now-you-see-me-now-you-don't freaks. Oh, you are all so agreeable but that is only because you can accommodate two completely different sets of values. Ever heard of schizophrenia? But credit where credit is due, you are intelligent and versatile and good conversation-alists. It is just that you are so unbelievably nice that makes us all detest Geminis so much. That and the fact that you are often so deceptive. Some people have one hand behind their backs but you have a

whole person. And it is not always the case that one side of your severely disfunctional personality knows what the other side is saying and doing. Conven-ient, huh? But, like your mineral, mercury, you flow in the direction of the incline and can change direction instantly. So obviously you cannot be relied upon for anything.
ADVICE FOR THE FUTURE: You cannot look in both directions at the same time; one of you is enough for most people; schizophrenia is a mental illness not a gift from God.
SACRED APPLIANCE: Polygraph machine.
YOUR KEY PHRASE: I think.

All Cancerians have a bit of a gender problem. It is all that wishy washy moon stuff. Maybe that is why you are one of the only two signs in the zodiac that does not share its ruling planet with others. Despite the watery influence of the moon, Cancerians manage to compensate by having egos like barrage balloons and being as loud-mouthed and obnoxious as they possibly can. Good on yer Cancer, go with those instincts (however wrong they might be,) play that emotional orchestra that distinguishes you from all other signs and breathe deeply of your chosen perfume, Scent of Cleavage. Although all you male

Cancerians might think you can mother us wymyn, don't bother big boy, you are out of your class. Remember we are the ones with breasts and you are the ones with the interest. Despite that, deep in the core of the family unit, somewhere, there is a Cancerian heart beating. While they might be reflections of the Goddess of the Night Sky, Cancerians are not all soft and cuddly. Far from it. They have a challenging attitude that can easily -- on a swing of emotion -- turn to abusiveness. Cancerians should be careful who they marry. Their intellectual capabilities demand a partner who is not a vegetable but their stay home attitudes suggestthat legs are superfluous in the Cancerian relationship. Maybe that is why they hang-in there with their crablike claws locked tenaciously around the sorry mess they call their lives.
ADVICE FOR THE FUTURE: Holidays can be nice, try one; 82% of cancerian marrages break up at home.
SACRED APPLIANCE: All.
YOUR KEY PHRASE: I feel.

without some negative qualities --
you can be over analytical, over
critical and somewhat slothful.
Indeed, it is a shame you are such
lazy buggers. Sloths are never
appealing and do not breed in
captivitiy but you are the virgin, so
presumably youdo not breed any-
where. Although you are in the
service of something or other, and
even you probably don't know what,
you have an admiration for mavericks
and others who possess the courage
to break out of the compound.
ADVICE FOR THE FUTURE: Keep
your hand on your ha'penny; service
is not included.
SACRED APPLIANCE: Computer.
YOUR KEY PHRASE: I analyse.

If Virgo is the sign of
the temple virgins,
Libra is that of the
prostitutes. Yes,
Libra, you are the
sluttiest sign in the
zodiac. It is not so
surprising that your knickers are so
often round your ankles as your
ruling planet is Venus, the lurve
planet. You have a high appreciation
of art and beauty but your whole life
is concentrated around the genito-
urinrary tract and that makes you
something of a piss artist. Of all the
signs you are the one that most
favours affiliations and relationships
and, indeed, you do attract love. Of
all the signs, you are the most inter-
active, interpersonal and depress-
ingly clingy. But the fact that your really
special skill lies in the relation-
ship field could make you the
ideal partner for the right person. The
fact that you are a thinking person
with a good mind and have a well
balanced set of attitudes, is just another reason for most other signs
to dislike you intensely. The trouble is
that like so many of the better signs,
you are overwhelmed by your ego.
The very high regard you have for
yourself is way out of proportion and
although your natural diplomacy
would not bring the word to your
mind, vanity is a keynote quality in the
Libran character. Vanity, however, is
a fragile quality and needs to be con-
stantly fed by casual and meaning-
less sex.
ADVICE FOR THE FUTURE: Of
course, we'll respect you in the morn-
ing; screaming out your own name
during orgasm is very unbecoming;
no, your bum doesn't look fat in that;
open relationships work for you
SACRED APPLIANCE: Condom.
YOUR KEY PHRASE: I balance.

Scorpios get a lot of
bad press. It must
be because they are
so creepy. And leth-
al. The one and only
sign to be ruled by
Mickey Mouse's dog,
Scorpio is an intense and focused
sign that enjoys exploring the esoter-
ic. With a strong interest in secret
things, in the hidden powers and in
breaking down the taboos that exist
in society, Scorpio is the sign of the
magician and witch. And the pervert.
Ever seeking insight but always in
the wrong places, Scorpio is an
explorer of the underworld. Or is that
underwear? But it is not as benign as
that. The fact that Scorpios have a

wrathful attitude
to life and enjoy
the odd demol-
ition derby
make it fright-
eningly obvious
that Scorpios
are pretty bad news. All this is even
more terrifying when one considers
that their sacred mineral is pluton-
ium. Transformation is one of the
keynote qualities of Scorpio and
radiation sickness certainly provokes
transformation. Thankfully, however,
most Scorpios have the insight to
realise that mass destruction is
going to get them, too.
ADVICE FOR THE FUTURE: Try to make sure there is one; 'the Spawn of Beelzebub' is only a phrase.
SACRED APPLIANCE: Fire extinguisher.
YOUR KEY PHRASE: I desire.

Much beloved by
airline companies,
Sagittarians are the
astrological fidgits
who cannot stay in
one place for longer
than it takes to go,
wipe and wash. They are the Philius
Foggs of modern society, hurtling
around the world in 80 hours. Inter-
nationalists, world travellers, back-
packers,lost people, tramps and
those who cannot afford to use
public transport, all these are arche-
typical Sagittarians. It is not so much
that they are restless, it is more that
their sign is one of the most expan-
sive. For them there have never been

PLAIN TEXT

In knitting the fabric of
our lives, we all drop the
occasional stitch. Whether
your life is plain or purl,
chainstitched or appliqued, Auntie Edith, our agony aunt
and knitting consultant,
is here to help.

In these troubled times, there are few arbours of peace and tranquility. In this hurly burly life, in all this hectic and even frantic activity, beyond all the pressures and worries, we all need somewhere to sit quietly reflect on life. But just sitting and reflecting is such a waste of time. Idle hands, as we all know, make mischief. That is why we are on the brink of war, why the world is crumbling, why we all live in fear. It is because our world leaders have idle hands. If only they would learn to knit. Perhaps if that handsome and charming Mr Bush -- isn't it nice to have such a James Bond figure at the head of a major country? -- were to learn to make use of his knitting needles he would be able to knit a nice new foreign policy. And what about Tony Blah. There's another one with time on his hands but with a limited wardrobe of knitwear. Instead of making war on oil rich Middle Eastern countries, he could be knitting a nice new reputation for his wife and perhaps something for the baby as well.
....But, if you feel as strongly about world politics and knitting as do I, you cannot just sit back and let our leaders wear shop-bought knitwear. Now is the time to take up the needles, to dig out that pattern, to buy up the wool and knit. Knit like you have never knitted before. Knit for Peace. Knit for World Peace. And the worst that can happen is that you will end up with a nice pullover or cardigan to keep you warm when the central heating goes off after the nuclear holocaust.
....If we cannot get world leaders to pick up the needles for themsleves, maybe it is time for us knitters, for the almost silent majority (except for the clicking) to make a bit more noise. Plans are already under way for massed protest knit-ins outside the British Houses of Parliament, the US White House and the CNN building in New York. Meanwhile outside the UN building a team of crack knitters, including that nice Koffie Annan, will be producing the longest scarf in the world. Stretching almost 14 times around the earth, this scarf will be our inspirational peace offering to the Middle East. As each Middle Eastern citizen wraps his statuatory two and half feet of scarf around his or her neck, we will be sending them a very clear message -- knit or else. And, of course, if they are knitting they have no hands free to fire those missiles. The result -- peace in the Middle East.
....It is a cunning plan but it just might work.
....But now we must leave world concerns and deal with some more personal ones. Oh dear, due to my excessive ranting, there doesn't seem much space left. Just four probelms this issue, I am afraid.

Dear Auntie Edith,
................I am burdoned with a hyperactive son with an excessive masturbation syndrome and a husband who is a complete and utter politician. How can I cure my loved ones of these unacceptable habits?
Yours sincerely,
White House Barby, Wash

Auntie Edith replies,
Dear White House Barby of Wash,
....Sorry it has taken me so long to get to your letter. I hope that in the eight years since you sent it to me, your burdens have eased. It can be hard dealing with these sorts of problems. They are both difficult to resolve. So far as your son is concerned, make sure he continues to take the prescribed amphetamines (and, if you are feeling a bit low, you might consider dropping a few yourself) and get him knitting. Gettting a grip on the membrum virilus is going to be much more difficult if his hands are full and the possiblility of

,ued

Leo, ruled by the sun, dominates the sky. But it is only your sky, sunshine. The rest of us can see you for the domineering, egomanic, self-opinionated and heavy-handed control freak you are. There is nothing wishy washy about you, is there? You are one of the most self-aware signs of the zodiac but it is just that giant ego making its presence felt again. Although you can be an original thinker
TOP OF COLUMN

borders. There are no fences, no
boundaries, no paths to follow. There
is only freedom, complete and utter

freedom. The
freedom to
check out that
belief that the
grass really
is greener on
the far side of the hill,sea or world.
It is your eternal optimism that keeps
you looking. The fact that the other
freedom you enjoy most is the free-
dom to stuff your face probably
means you are a lard ball. Your
liberal attitudes and your highly
developed social skills make you a
friend to many. But, you'll notice that

needle wounds to the groinal area is always a disincentive. If erections are a problem, simply make use of erect penis as a wool spike; this is both utilitarian and -- I am told -- very pleasant. The fishy smell will easily wash out of the finished jumper.
....Unfortunately, your other problem is more difficult to solve. Politics is often a substitute for and distraction from mastrubation. Could it be that your son's disorder is genetic rather than merely genital? In the good old days, when a child could not get a grip on not getting a grip, politics or a career in the clergy were often the only answers. These days we know that there are far too many wankers in politics already. The world does not

THE CREDITS
A SPECIAL SERVICE TO THE CIA
PUBLISHER & WEBMASTER: ............................................ David Russell COMMISSIONING EDITOR: Metaphysical Editor ....... Sandy Hughes CONTRIBUTING EDITORS: Cannabisiness ............. Augustus Wynd Astro-Metaphysics ......... Sandy Hughes Inner Light ............................... Mr Bliss YOP ASSISTANT EDITOR: (Temporary) ................... Hangware Lam (anything for a holiday in Amsterdam) NAMED CONTRIBUTORS: Inner Light ................................ Mr Bliss Astrology Consultant .... Sandy Hughes House Sadhu .................. G. van Mukhti Cartoonist ...................................... Quint GRAPHIC DESIGN: ............. It Is But a Dream (Digital) ............. ............. ............. ...... Enterprises INSPIRATIONAL SUPPORT: ............. Sandy Hughes; Baba Chris; Harry, John and Api at Katsu; Nemo; Paul Resnick; Hank and Cher; Don Gamble; Alan Dronkers; Eagle Bill; June Cox; Kim Chandler; Alisdair Sutherland; Jim & Karen; Luc Sala; Laura; George Douvis & family CHOREOGRAPHY: ............. Johnny Jump & the Updowners NEURAL CATERING: ............. Katsu; the Bluebird; the Noon; Trepunt (Balistraat); Yamama FEATURED NEUROPEPTIDES: ............. Serotonin; the Endorphin Group; Anandamide; Dopamine FEATURED 'OLOGIES': ............. Psychology; Astrology; Camp-anology; Ecology; Apology; Ontology; Gynaecology FEATURED APPLIANCES:. ............ Macintosh G4 computer; Elect- ric kettle; Bud grinder; Sound system. POSITIVE INSPIRATIONS: ............. Amsterdam; TM; the UK (for once); Hank & Cher; Ruigoord; the Cannabis Cup; the Simpsons. NEGATIVE INSPIRATIONS: ............. the French; George Bush; that old black magic. ENERGISING INFLUENCES: ............. Caffeine; TM (again); Guilt BACKGROUND VIBE: ............. The Smokers of Amsterdam
This issue comes to you courtesy of the Beach Boys, Donovan, Bob Marley, the Band, Bruce Springsteen, the Rolling Stones, Paul Simon, Bob Dylan, the Who, Van Morrison, David Bowie, the Doors, Lou Reed, Jimmy Reed, Blind Blake, Big Joe Williams, John Lee Hooker, Robert Johnson, the music of Gandhava Ved and Ravi Shankar. Also contributing: caffeine in large quantities, blueberry and power plant, also in large quantities, and, of course, the buzz of Amsterdam TOP OF PAGE

none of us try to stop you when the
travel bug bites.
ADVICE FOR THE FUTURE: Air Miles;
'expansion' is not necessarily a
physical quality.
SACRED APPLIANCE: Anything in
another country
YOUR KEY PHRASE: I see.

Capricorn is the
pushy sign. It is all
sharp elbows and
bony knees. These
are the dry as dust,
calculating, ambit-
ious buggers we all
detest. There is so much to dislike
about Capricorns, it is difficult to
know where to start. Extremely hard
working, if it wasn't for people like
them you would not have been pass-
ed over for that last promotion. On the
other hand where would we be with-
out accountants and lawyers? It is the
sign of the professional, of the social
and ecomonic leader. One of the
most Dickensian of star signs, Capri-
corns are decision-makers, organ-
isers and misers. It is this last quality
that makes Capricorns so successful
in life. They are mean and dispass-
ionate, cold and uncaring, pragmat-
ists and control freaks. They wear
grey or pin-striped clothing -- their
astrological colours -- and wear a
carnation -- their astrological ersatrz
milk product -- in their buttonholes.
They are leaders and not followers
and their chosen exercsie is climb-
ing -- both social and rock. Capri-
corns make good soldiers; their lack

of humanity,
lack of feeling
and totally
disinterested
attitudes are
regarded as
virtues in the
army. Else-
where most of us do our best to avoid such boring, uninspiring and cold
people. Which is okay with most of
them because they are focused on
getting ahead, acquiring power,
getting some status and getting a
lot of money and keeping it. But, as
we said, where would we be without
accountants and lawyers.
ADVICE FOR THE FUTURE: Try not to
be Mr Burns; remember Uriah Heap,
what a band.
SACRED APPLIANCE:Other peoples'.
YOUR KEY PHRASE: I utilise.

Aquarius, despite its
obvious aquatic
associations, has
little to do with water
and is actually one
of the least wet
signs. Often original
thinkers, Aquarius is the sign of the
inventor, the story-teller and the liar.
The inclination of Aquarians is
always towards modification, Indeed,
they just can't leave things alone.
This is both a vice and a virtue. Modif-
ication comes whether whatever it is
needs modifying or not. Although
Aquarians have insightful and origin-
al minds, they make poor artists
being unable to finish anything. As
painters they overpaint and writers
they underwrite. Best to stick to the
lying, I would say. One thing Aquar-
ians are not is warm and friendly;
cold and distant is more like it.
Although they would like to be
friendly, there is something that stops
them. Of all the signs, they are among
the most self-contained. But they do have a nasty cruel streak that can leave their friends and lovers slightly
TOP OF COLUMN

need more politicians but it will always need knitwear.
....Next!

Dear Auntie Edith,
................I have a sexual problem and no one to confide in. I am a devoted knitter and have been a reader of your column for many years. On your advice some years ago I started knitting my own underwear. Since then my sex life has dried up completely and I have developed a rash on my upper thighs. What can I do to revitalise my sex life?
Yours sincerely,
Crutchless, Croydon

Auntie Edith replies,
Dear Crutchless of Croydon,
....The only time I can remember sugg-
esting knitting your own underwear was in an article in Forum magazine about alternative contraception. Could it be that you got hold of the wrong end of the stick . If so, that might explain much of your problem. One cannot hold a stick and the other 'icky' thing at the same time. Try wearing conventional underwear but do write in for my free pamplet on knitting your own condoms.
....Next!

Dear Auntie Edith,
...............What is the meaning of life?
Yours sincerely,
Bishop Rick, Canterbury

Auntie Edith replies,
Dear Bishop Rick of Canterbury,
....The Meaning of Life is a well known Monty Python movie. On a more metaphysical level, however, it is also a Monty Python movie. The movie is an allegory for life itself, illustrating once and for all that life has no meaning whatsoever unless one is rolling around laughing (or doing a bit of knitting.) Although there is much value in laughter, it is transitory and soon passes leaving one empty and exhausted and without a jumper to slip on. Knitting, on the other hand, provides more substantial meaning through a constantly expanding knitwear wardrobe. It is, of course, friends that give life much of its meaning and everyone loves a knitter. Finally, who needs Monty Python when, for the price of the wool and a few hours of work, one can knit ones own alternative comedy team.
....Next!

Dear Auntie Edith,
...............What is a computer virus and is it possible for humans to catch things from machines?
Yours sincerely,
Bill Gates, Cal

Auntie Edith replies,
Dear Bill Gates of Cal,
....You will be relieved to hear that it is impossible for computer viruses to be contracted by humans. Computer viruses are known to affect only thinking machines and the human being, as is well known, does not have capability.

To all the poor lost souls out there whose problems I could not get to this time, I offer my apologies and the best advice I have -- keep on knitting. And, hopefully, when we meet again you will have tons of nice new cardies and pullovers and perhaps a bolero or two to show off. See you soon.

PLAIN TEXT
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THE AMAZING B^OU_NC^IN_G GINSBURGSxxxxxxxxxxxxxby Quint
xx

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PLAIN TEXT *THE VERY LAST TRAILER* IN THE NEXT CHILLING ISSUE
MORE CRAP • MORE CONFUSION • MORE COUGHING All the stuff we promised for this issue but couldn't get together and much, much more

THE MESSIAH, THE MISSION & THE MASONS Taking the mystery out of history, we will be leading issue three with the launch of two (yes, two) major new series especially designed to blow you away. Dealing with the secret histories of institutions that have been instrumental in fabricating the world as we know it, these multi-part features will strike at the very heart of our understanding of truth. As we take history and strip away the misunderstanding, the confusion and the lies, your vision of the past will be recast into a new form. Taking accepted history and illuminating it with the light of truth, you will see the past revealed as never before. THE COVENANT CONSPIRACY The Tree of Knowledge often bears a sour fruit. Knowledge and understanding work both ways -- they give and they take away. As knowledge and understanding increase, the true nature of accepted facts is revealed. And, in the light of new knowledge, accepted beliefs are often seen as mistakes of the intellect or worse. Thus has it been with Christianity. It is, perhaps, harsh to call Christianity -- or, more particularly, Catholicism -- a conspiracy but that is what it was. To further its own ends, in one of the most outrageous and cynically manipulative campaigns the world has ever seen, the Catholic Church simply rewrote history. But, as our knowledge of ancient civilisations has increased, the lies, fairy tales, mistranslations and Machiavellian machinations of the Catholic Church have been revealed. Nothing is as we understand it. Little of what the Church has told us is real. There is only a kernal of truth in history as we understand it. However, taking that kernal of truth, through multi-disciplinary study we can extrapolate it into something more cineramic. ....The Covenant Consiracy is about what came before the Catholic Church. It is about the real Christianity, the real Christ, the real facts and events that shaped world history. If you have ever wondered exactly who and what Jesus Christ was, this series will tell you. Mystical being or real man. Messiah or king. Saviour or sorceror. Triumvirate or terrorist. Carpenter or a member of 10 cc. What was the real Jesus Christ, what was his message and what was his meaning in the history of the world. In The Covenant Conspiracy we will be revealing all. Applying over 30 years of intensive research into the 'truth of Christianity,' we will be bringing you totally new knowledge that pulls together the strings of time and ties them into something that we can all recognise as being true. RUNNING PARALLEL TO THE COVENANT CONSPIRACY APRON AND TROWEL -- ET IN ARCADIA EGO The other side of the story. If the Catholic Church had the lies and the deceit, who had the truth? Or did it simply disappear, buried in the elaborate fabrications of corrupt institutions? In fact, the truth did live on -- as the central ethos and powerbase of the Knights Templar. One of the most influential, pervasive and, perhaps, sinister organisations the world has ever seen, the Templars and their modern descendants, the Freemasons, built its own powerbase on a knowledge of the truth of Christianity that exceeded even the Church's. But, like the Church, it had its own agenda, its own ambitions for world domination, its own secret paths and byways. Playing with world consciousness like a yo-yo, the Templars used their esoteric knowledge in the furtherance of science and society but at the same time created a web of deceit, information and disinformation, lies and suggestion that formed some of the most enduring myths of modern society. Without the Templars, the myth and legends of the chivalric age -- of brave and noble knights, of King Arthur and the magician, Merlin, of the Fisher King and fair Parzival, of the Holy Grail and the blood of Christ -- would not exist. Nor, indeed, would so many of society's finer qualities. For the chivalry of the Templars was not merely about rescuing damsels in distress and maintaining order in a wayward and uncultured land. It was also about art and culture, manners and ideas, social grace and courtly love. Yet, still, the Templars remain a secret organisation that, even today, is still shrouded in secrecy but continues to manipulate society from behind the scenes. Although the Knights Templar are said to have been wiped from the face of Europe in 1366 by Phillipe la Bel, the central organisation merely went into hiding. In this exhaustive survey of what the Templars and the Freemasons are about, we will reveal much new knowledge. For the first time (possibly,) we will be revealing the secrets that the first Templars discovered under the Temple of Solomon on Mount Sion, we will be tracing their acquisition of knowledge, treasures and political power, their rise to dominate Europe and their downfall, their secret knowledge and powers. And on the way we will be following Christ from ancient Israel to what we think is his burial place in bonny Sco'land and tracing his bloodline down to modern times as we reveal the secret organisation that is the final refuge of the teachings and treasures of the Templars. Don't miss these disturbing but illuminating glimpses into the real past as we take the lid off history as we know it and give it a good stir.
• THE MAKING OF AMSTERDAM • The Amsterdam phenomenon didn't just happen, you know? No fairy godmother with a soft spot for dope smokers waved a magic wand over the city and gave it freedom, there was no papal dispensation (or in the case of smoking, congressional dispensation), no one said 'go on, give it a go and see what happens'. Yes, sure, there was the Dutch tradition of religious tolerance but try to translate that -- naturally -- into the freedom to expand your own consciousness and you don't get very far. No, the reinvention of Amsterdam as a Mecca for smokers was a cunning plan perpetrated by freethinking tokers to make life bearable. And what a courageous lot they were. In this major feature we talk to the men behind Amsterdam and get them to tell us how it all happened.
• May the Circle be Unbroken • When, in the 1890s almost the whole of the United States' recently pacified 'Indian Nation' started to dance, the settlers ran for cover. Warfare was bad enough but this was worse -- it was weird. As they chanted and danced themselves into exhaustion and sometimes death, the Ghost Dancers were playing out a last desperate ritual. But it couldn't save them. The best they could do was run for cover themselves and try to retain as much of their ancient culture as possible And that is what they did. But the spirit of the Ghost Dancers lives on. Today, the leaders of the American Indian Nation are starting to bring out aspects of their rich and colourful spiritual culture. In the first of an extended series of articles exploring the spiritual world of the American Indian we will be considering the tragic and poignant circumstances that led to the Ghost Dance.


FURTHER ON UP THE ROAD Join us again, as we march further on up the road -- twice. Yes, with two more exciting episodes in our detailed history of the alternative culture we go striding off into the bright but unknown future that has been created by our forebearers, fivebearers and probably Goldilocks as well. Further on up the road towards our past there is a party going on. But, uh oh, it's the Communist Party. And is not wine or vodka that is flowing but blood -- blood from the cracked skulls of the American working man. It was the first wave of a revolutionary storm that still rages (somewhat) today. While those who had been disenfranchised from the American Dream by the Great Depression tried to overcome the might and power of industry and Government, those in power were seeking ways to contain and constrain the power of the people. Against a backdrop of insurrection, rabble rousing and near rebellion, we trace the invidious and insidious machinations of Government as it creates the laws that make the alternative culture truly alternative. Then along came the war. It looked like it might save the still economically ailing US of A. And, economically, it did. But it also set in motion the major changes in attitude that would eventually foster the alternative society. Fought for human rights and freedom, the Second World War made everyone take a step back and look at their own freedoms and rights. The concept of 'us and them' fostered in the war did not die when the fighting ended. For it was not just the people who were checking out their freedoms, it was the politicians and Governments. But from different ends of the spectrum. Fascism and communism had given definition to the concept of control, so Governments in 'the free world' had to be careful. Both sides had read 1984 by George Orwell and the battle lines were in the process of being drawn. In the second part of issue three's instalments of our beat history, we will be looking at the seeds of modern American governance. How did they manage to get into the position in which they find themselves today? How did they get hog-tied by their own lies and deceits? How did they get caught in this spiral of corruption, cynicism, duplicity and small-minded bigotry? How did they manage to destroy the credibility of not only governments but of truth itself? Join us as we mingle with the raddled and cynical control freaks who defined the post-war years. Let us start by introducing you to some G-men and their boss, who likes to be called Mary.
And Along The Path . . . . To Enlightenment. Join Mr Bliss for the last time -- in this series, anyway -- as he leads us to the very core of Vedic spiritual practices --- meditation. The keystone in the arch of consciousness, the essence of the divine, the temple of true worship, meditation is the greatest gift of the ancient Vedic Rishis. A powerful yet deceptively simple technique, meditation is the key to a life of bliss, joy and fulfilment. Despite its simplicity, maybe because its power is way out of proportion to its level of difficulty, meditation remains wreathed in misconceptions, misunderstanding and confusion. But here comes Bliss (in more ways than one) to bring some clarity to the situation. As he takes you through the history and the techniques of meditation, Mr Bliss will be revealing the true nature of the Rig Veda as a handbook for those on the path of developing consciousness.
ROLLING AND TUMBLING THE GOOD TIMES HAD BEEN ROLLING ALONG IN THE UK, BUT THEN THINGS CHANGED. FIRST WE WERE ROLLING AND THEN WE WERE TUMBLING. TUMBLING INTO OBLIVION AND IT WAS ALL THANKS TO THE AUTHORITIES. PROHIBITION, YOU KNOW, ALWAYS WORKS THE SAME WAY. AND IN A MASSIVE CRACKDOWN ON DOPE COMING INTO THE UK FROM HOLLAND, THE UK CREATED A PROBLEM THAT WAS FAR MORE DESTRUCTIVE THAN ANYTHING THEY HAD EVER IMAGINED. IN THE DRY AS DUST DROUGHT THAT RESULTED FROM THE DOPE CRACKDOWN, MANY TURNED TO OTHER SUBSTANCES TO ASSUAGE THEIR DESOLATION, ISOLATION AND URBAN ALIENATION. AND SUDDENLY THE UK HAD A MAJOR SMACK PROBLEM. ALTHOUGH THE REAL FIGURES HAVE NEVER BEEN PUBLISHED, OUR SPIES IN THE BRITISH HOME OFFICE, TELL US THAT SMACK ADDICTION INCREASED SOMETHING LIKE 800% OVER THAT BAD, BAD YEAR. BUT, AS THE TUMBLING TURNED TO TREMBLING, THE UK RECOGNISED WHAT WAS HAPPENING AND TRIED -- BUT QUIETLY -- TO REVERSE THE SITUATION. IN THE MEANTIME, THE GRASS GROWERS DID THEIR BEST TO FILL THE GAP. IN THE FINAL PART OF OUR EXAMINATION OF SMOKING HABITS IN THE UK, WE'LL BE TAKING A LOOK AT MORE RECENT EVENTS AND THE EFFECTS THEY HAVE HAD ON UK ATTITUDES TO SMOKING.
BEWARE THE QUACKS OF DOOM And to help you, we have some more of our A tro Z of alternative therapies. In issue three we'll be looking at four more therapies that are hardly a spit away from witchcraft. We'll be starting with art therapy, whatever that is. But the big guns will get to fire when we deal with the vast subject of indian ayurvedic medicine. There will also be a lot to say about Bach Flower Therapy, a strange homeopathic hybrid that seems to work better than its progenitor. And finally we will be taking a look at Bee Venom Therapy (probably very good for hives.) So join us for a good laugh at expense of the desperately sick.

. FROM THE CANNABISNESS DEPARTMENT:
Cannabis Cupdate; Features we haven't thought of yet; News and other stuff.
FROM THE HEALTH DEPARTMENT: .......
Dancing with Dr. D; So healthy it'll make you sick; News and other stuff.
.... FROM THE INNER LIGHT DEPARTMENT:
The Profitable Prophet; More from our House Shivite; Crone's Corner & more.
FROM THE BACK PAGES DEPARTMENT: ....
Cunning Stunts; Zen & Xenophobia; Mr Filth's House of Sleaze; Astrobitch. Adding a whole new dimension to the term 'schadenfreude'
....		....
The regular crowd of deadbeats, wastrels, down-and-outs, hangers-on and dubious characters
THE GIGGLING GOURMET Gordon Green, our own Grasstronome, is back in the Coffeehouse Culture Kitchen and cooking up a . . . . Oh dear, should be be that evil green colour?	GREENFINGER The Luther Burbank of grass is back in the potting shed with his helper, 18-year old Daphney. And, he tells us, 'he's growing hard.' But we are not quite sure what he means.	DOKKER D'ATH You've heard of the Grim Reaper? Well, there was a time when the not so good Dokker was known as the Rim Creeper. You can form your own conclusions.
THE COFFEEHOUSE CREEPER Now travelling with his own version of the Big Slipper, our dreary diarist hangs out in some coffeeshops, smokes lots of dope and has a good time -- all for you.	THE MIDNIGHT RAMBLER Restraining Orders, writs and black magic rituals permitting, the scourge of Amsterdam, the man who wouldn't recognise 'polite society' if it punched him in the face, will be back.	THE WYRRD WOMYN With more words for the wise from the skies, plus Crone's Corner and other stuff, our own Wyrrd Womyn will be back (hopefully in more ways than one.)
AUNTIE EDITH Knit, knit, knit	ASTROBITCH Bitch, bitch, bitch	QUINT Bounce, bounce bounce
Plus so much more we just don't have space to tell you about it. PLAIN TEXT • TOP OF PAGE

PLAIN TEXT There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, statistics and the . . . . There are four kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, statistics and the . . . . THE LEGAL STUFF
DISCLAIMER Coffeehouse Culture does not advocate or encourage the use of drugs or any substances that might impair the perfection of your machine. Therefore, it recommends that you stop breathing and watch what you eat. Coffeehouse Culture is for entertainment purposes only and professes no medical, psychological or therapeutic skills. Information and advice offered in Coffeehouse Culture is provided for educational and/or amusement purposes only. A smug and know-it-all attitude does not necessarily imply intelligence, knowledge or wisdom. THREAT Any material sent to Coffeehouse Culture will be considered for publication unless clearly identified otherwise. PROMISE Illustrations used in Coffeehouse Culture are house-produced or are believed to be in the public domain. Every effort is made to determine if copyright exists on material supplied by contributors but this is not always possible. Coffeehouse Culture has no desire to infringe restrictions on copyright material. If material that is copyright appears in Coffeehouse Culture the copyright holder should inform Coffeehouse Culture immediately and the material will be removed. PLAIN TEXT • TOP OF PAGE

.........

PLAIN TEXT
THE FINAL WORD
AND THE FINAL WORD IS: MEDITATE
If you think that this site is recommending that you smoke your heads off, you are wrong. This
site deals with the subject of consciousness and, as such, recognises that one of the most accessible
means of experiencing increased consciousness is through smoking cannabis. It is, however, the case
that the most effective means of not only experiencing increased consciousness but also developing
it on a permanent basis is through meditation. And that is the what this site is about -- meditation.

If you would would like your life to be a better, good, great or even a wonderful experience, learn
an effective meditation technique (we practise TM, which is awe-inspiring in its power, but there
are many techniques that take you to that place beyond time and space where all things start.)
When you have a technique, use it. Meditate once or twice a day every day for it is only through
repetition that meditation works its subtle magic. Meditation leads inexorably towards
all the things life should be about -- understanding, compassion, self-actualisation and bliss.
Okay, so you are going to have to take my word for that. But do. Because it is true, Meditation is one
of the great secrets of fulfilment in life. Indeed, it is the ultimate secret of life. And you can't get
more final than an 'ultimate.'

Oh, and while we are on the subject of lives, now can I have mine back, please?
PLAIN TEXT • TOP OF PAGE

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