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WHAT'S ON THIS PAGE NAVIGATION BOX COLUMN: The Horrors Cope -- Aries, Taurus, Gemini, Cancer, Leo, Virgo, Libra, Scorpio, Sagittarius, Capricorn, Aquarius, Pisces | COLUMN: Ask Auntie Edith SIDEBOX: The Credits -- A Special Service to the CIA | CARTOON: The Amazing Bouncing Ginsburgs TRAILER: The Very Last Trailer -- What's Coming in Issue 3 | The Legal Stuff | The Final Word Use Contents Navigation Console |
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| "Vision is the art of seeing the invisible." .......................................................................................................................................Jonathan Swift |
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![]() PLAIN TEXTWE MAY HAVE THE HORRORS BUT WE CAN COPE 'CAUSE WE HAVE . . . |
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The starship still cruises the heavens. High above like a David Bowie song ('Let's Dance',) the crew of the starship Enterandbedamned gaze down upon this blue pearl set in a velvet cushion of darkness and snigger knowingly. It is alright for them. They are dancing with the asteroids and sitting with the satellites. While we, antlike but totally disorganised, try to cope with life. As the great ship plummmets upward in search of the outer reaches of the universe, we can only wonder what they have to tell us about the past, the present and the future. While they scan the heavens, we scan the fridge. While they play with the Gods, we spend our time searching for clean socks. While they monitor and plot the present and the future, we just try to get laid. What hope is there for us? What we need is something to help us cope with the rigours of life. Enter The Horrors Cope and our divine dominatrix with her visions of your future. Yes, she has been flogging the stars to get them to give up their secrets. And now she tells all . . . . |
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| . | Oh dear, how thorough-ly misjudged you are, you Arians. It is not without some mean- ing that your sign is that of the ram. Hardly a sacred animal, the ram is known for its hard head and excessive attitudes. Excessive sex, excessive eating, excessive banging its head against things. And that is your problem -- excessive. Moderation is not something you possess. You have a big, sometimes overwhelming, person- ality and a high energy (or is that \stress?) approach to conversation, which you tend to dominate if not take it over. Believe me, those assertive- ness classes are a waste of money; any more assertive and you'd be des- potic. You speak loudly and gesture wildly; you are an expected gentle breeze that turns out to be a bloody tornado; you are totally out of control but only you don't realise it. Your lack of moderation is usually interpreted as a positive quality that is respons- ible for your hands on, let's-make- things-happen attitude. That, however, is not the case. It is your lack of moder- ation that makes you jump before you have heard even half the story. Care-fully considered action is some- thing you would never recognise. This causes you many problems. Not least that people tend to think you are bonkers. However, that doesn't bother you because, unfortunately, your lack of moderation is bolstered by an extremely arrogant approach to life. ADVICE FOR THE FUTURE: Shut up and give other people a chance to speak; think before you act; hard though it may be, try to enjoy what you are; if |
... | . | thinker and very creative, everything you do is filtered through the tissues of your ego and emerges with its essence removed. Like the lord of the jungle you arrogantly stride through the forests of life growling at anyone who does not acknowledge your sup- remacy. But we all know that is because in your heart of hearts, you realise that the Lion in the Wizard of Oz was for real. But it's okay, we won't tell anyone. Meanwhile you can swagger through life, strutting your pride thingy. But what is it that comes before a fall -- apart from a nice summer? That is right, it is pride. Your downfall andour despair. If ever there was an unworthy quality pride must be it. It is based on nothing good, has no social value and can be a real pain in the ass. But leonine you is not going to let an ass get in the way. You thumb your nose at donkeys. ADVICE FOR THE FUTURE: The world may be your playground but you do not own the swings; by the law of averages, everyone else can- not be wrong; it is not incumbent on you to try to live other people's lives. SACRED APPLIANCE: Television. YOUR KEY PHRASE: I create. The sacred virgins ofancient temples, live on in your star sign, but your cherry has long since been popped for, dear Virgo, you are far too sagacious and wise to stay intacto forever. Although your sign harks back to the ancient rituals -- sexual and otherwise -- that excite the mind- |
... | . | lying, I would say. One thing Aquarians are not is warm and friendly; cold and distant is more like it. Although they would like to be friendly, there is some- thing that stops them. Of all the signs, they are among the most self- contained. But they do have a nasty cruel streak that can leave their friends and lovers slightly scarred. Like many of the signs, Aquarius stands in stark contrast to the sign that precedes it. Unlike Caps, Aquarians are certainly not straight and boring. Indeed, some of the world's great eccentrics, weirdos, space cadets and nutters were Aquarians. ADVICE FOR THE FUTURE: Don't touch; you CAN let other people into 'your space'; get a mobile phone so people will think you are talking to someone else when you are talking to yourself; wearing live animals really is strange. SACRED APPLIANCE:Anything broken. YOUR KEY PHRASE: I know. There is nothing fishyin the fact that one of the wettest signs is Pisces. It is another of the priest/priestess signs. Dreamers, idealists, visionaries, bullshitters, they have a strong orient- ation towards the subtle aspects of life. Lost in the ethereal planes where lifeand all its events become mere ciphers for more arcane forms of cos- mic express- ion, Pisces people are often into div- ination or making it up as you go along, as most people call it. They can, there- fore, be deemed to be full of crap and |
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| . | possible change your star sign to something offering more hope. SACRED APPLIANCE: Feather duster. YOUR KEY PHRASE: I am. Taurus is one of myfavourite signs, maybe because with their bull necks and fat ears they make almost everyone else feel attractive. Of course, it could be their bull-like genitalia if they had bull-like genitalia. But, unfortunately, in my exper- ience . . . . Despite that. you gotta love a sign that has as its mineral, topsoil. I mean, sod me, but isn't that an insult or some- thing? It is, however, perfectly compatible with the ecological bent many Taurans possess. Taurans are, at least, stable, solid and reliable. They make excellent husbands (apart from the pizzle problem) because they are |
... | . | body connection which exists spont- aneously withinyou, you are also the sign of the future. Your sacred mineral is silicon. Your sacred fabric is poly- ester. Your sacred liquid is Red Bull. The shiny suit, the laptop and all that caffeine make a major contribution to your role as a mentor, counsellor and teacher. Like the vestal virgins of old, your middle name is 'service' and you believe in being helpful and co- operative. You are, however, not without some negative qualities -- you can be over analytical, over critical and somewhat slothful. Indeed, it is a shame you such lazy buggers. Sloths are never appealing |
... | . | hardly worth bothering with. They are the astrologers, the chicken entrail readers, the seers and far-sighted. At least, that is what it says in my book. It is, however, the case that Pisceans are often more motivated by fantasy than reality and maybe that accounts for their belief in their own psychic powers. They are, of course, the only ones who think they are psychic; the rest of us just think they are weird. It is said that they can bring clarity to a situation but only if you work with them and then the clarity would seem to be somewhat clouded by their indolent and self- opinionated attitudes. Still at least you can have sympathy for them, they have plenty of compassion to spare for you. ADVICE FOR THE FUTURE: Get a real job; there is such a thing as coincid- ence; the cards do lie. SACRED APPLIANCE: Anti-static cloth. YOUR KEY PHRASE: I believe. PLAIN TEXT TOP OF PAGE |
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| . | so acquisitive. However, one of their acquisitions could be a mistress because they think they have bigger dicks than they actually have. Hopefully their singular unattractiveness will be a barrier between them and infidelity. It is, however, money that they really love. Greed is their middle name and the music that pleases most their ears is the chink of coin upon coin. ADVICE FOR THE FUTURE: No china shops, okay?; no bullshit, okay?; if insulted turn the udder cheek; money can't buy you happiness but who needs happiness if you have an 18 year old mistress. SACRED APPLIANCE: Calculator. YOUR KEY PHRASE: I have. Okay, I want all youGeminis to form two lines. And we'll have no talking there. I know you are all going to find that hard, you affable, communicative and thoroughly intrusive crowd of now-you- see-me-now-you-don't freaks. Oh, you are all so agreeable but that is only because you can accommodate two completely different sets of values. Ever heard of schizophrenia? But credit where credit is due, you are intelligent and versatile and good conversation- alists. It is just that you are so unbeliev- ably nice that makes us all detest Geminis so much. That and the fact that you are often so deceptive. Some people have one hand behind their backs but you have a whole person.And it is not always the case that one side of your sever- ely disfunctional personality knows what the other side is saying and doing. Conven- ient, huh? But, like your mineral, mercury, you flow in the direction of the incline and can change direction instantly. So obviously you cannot be relied upon for anything. ADVICE FOR THE FUTURE: You can- not look in both directions at the same time; one of you is enough for most people; schizophrenia is a mental ill- ness not a gift from God. SACRED APPLIANCE: Polygraph machine. YOUR KEY PHRASE: I think. All Cancerians have abit of a gender prob- lem. It is all that wishy washy moon stuff. Maybe that is why you are one of the only two signs in the zodiac that does not share its ruling planet with others. Despite the watery influence of the moon, Cancerians manage to compensate by having egos like barr- age balloons and being as loud mouth- ed and obnoxious as they possibly can. Good on yer Cancer, go with those instincts (however wrong they might be,) play that emotional orchestra that distinguishes you from all other signs and breathe deeply of your chosen perfume, Scent of Cleavage. Although all you male Cancerians might think you can mother us wymyn, don't bother big boy, you are out of your class. Remember we are the ones with the |
... | . | and do not breed in captivitiy but you are the virgin, so presumably you do not breed anywhere. Although you are in the service of something or other, and even you probably don't know what, you have an admiration for mavericks and others who poss- ess the courage to break out of the compound. ADVICE FOR THE FUTURE: Keep your hand on your ha'penny; service is not included. SACRED APPLIANCE: Computer. YOUR KEY PHRASE: I analyse. If Virgo is the sign ofthe temple virgins, Libra is that of the prostitutes. Yes, Libra, you are the sluttiest sign in the zodiac. It is not so surprising that your knickers are so often round your ankles as your ruling planet is Venus, the lurve planet. You have a high appreciation of art and beauty but your whole life is concentrated around the genito- urinrary tract and that makes you something of a piss artist. Of all the signs you are the one that most favours affiliations and relationships and, indeed, you do attract love. Of all the signs, you are the most inter- active, interpersonal and depress- ingly clingy. But the fact that your really special skill lies in the relation- ship field could make you the ideal partner for the right person. The fact that you are a thinking person with a good mind and have a well balanced set of attitudes, is just another reason for most other signs to dislike you intensely. The trouble is that like so many of the better signs, you are overwhelmed by your ego. The very high regard you have for yourself is way out of proportion and although your natural diplomacy would not bring the word to your mind, vanity is a keynote quality in the Libran character. Vanity, however, is a fragile quality and needs to be con- stantly fed by casual and meaning- less sex. ADVICE FOR THE FUTURE: Of course, we'll respect you in the morn- ing; screaming out your own name during orgasm is very unbecoming; no, your bum doesn't look fat in that; open relationships work for you SACRED APPLIANCE: Condom. YOUR KEY PHRASE: I balance. Scorpios get a lot ofbad press. It must be because they are so creepy. And leth- al. The one and only sign to be ruled by Mickey Mouse's dog, Scorpio is an intense and focused sign that enjoys exploring the esoter- ic. With a strong interest in secret things, in the hidden powers and in breaking down the taboos that exist in society, Scorpio is the sign of the magician and witch. And the pervert. Ever seekinginsight but always in the wrong places, Scorpio is an explorer of the underworld. Or is that underwear? But it is not as benign as that. The fact that Scorp- |
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![]() In knitting the fabric of our lives, we all drop the occasional stitch. Whether your life is plain or purl, chainstitched or appliqued, Auntie Edith, our agony aunt and knitting consultant, is here to help. In these troubled times, there are few |
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| . | breasts and you are the ones with the interest. Despite that deep in the core of the family unit, somewhere, there is a Cancerian heart beating. While they might bereflections of the Goddess of the Night Sky, Cancer- ians are not all soft| and cuddly. Far from it. They have a chall- enging attitude that can easily -- on a swing of emotion -- turn to abusiveness. Cancerians should be careful who they marry. Their intellectual capabilities demand a partner who is not a vegetable but their stay home attitudes suggestthat legs are superfluous in the Cancerian relationship. Maybe that is why they hang-in there with their crablike claws locked tenaciously around the sorry mess they call their lives. ADVICE FOR THE FUTURE: Holidays can be nice, try one; 82% of cancerian marrages break up at home. SACRED APPLIANCE: All. YOUR KEY PHRASE: I feel. Leo, ruled by the sun,dominates the sky. But it is only your sky, sun- shine. The rest of us can see you for the domineering, ego- manic, self-opinion- ated and heavy-handed control freak you are. There is nothing wishy washy about you, is there? You are one of the most self-aware signs of the zodiac but it is just that giant ego making its pres- ence felt again. Although you can be an original TOP OF COLUMN |
... | . | ios have a wrathful attitude to life and enjoy the odd demolition derby make it frighteningly obvious that Scorpios are pretty bad news. All this is even more terrifying when one considers that their sacred mineral is plutonium. Transform- ation is one of the keynote qualities of Scorpio and radiation sickness certainly provokes transformation. Thankfully, however, most Scorpios have the insight to realise that mass destruction is going to get them, too. ADVICE FOR THE FUTURE: Try to make sure there is one; 'the Spawn f Beelzebub' is only a phrase. SACRED APPLIANCE: Fire extinguisher. YOUR KEY PHRASE: I desire. Much beloved byairline companies, Sagittarians are the astrological fidgits who cannot stay in one place for longer than it takes to go, wipe and wash. They are the Philius Foggs of modern society, hurtling around the world in 80 hours. Inter- nationalists, world travellers, back- packers,lost people, tramps and those who cannot afford to use public transport, all these are arche- typical Sagittarians. It is not so much that they arerestless, it is more that their sign is one of the most expan- sive. For them there have never been borders. There are no fences, no boundaries, no paths to follow. There is only free- dom, complete and utter freedom. The |
... | . | -- knit or else. And, of course, if they are knitting they have no hands free to fire those missiles. The result -- peace in the Middle East. ....It is a cunning plan but it just might work. ....But now we must leave world con- cerns and deal with some more personal ones. Oh dear, due to my excessive ranting, there doesn't seem much space left. Just four problems this issue, I am afraid. Dear Auntie Edith, ................I am burdoned with a hyperactive son with an excessive masturbation syndrome and a husband who is a complete and utter politician. How can I cure my loved ones of these unacceptable habits? Yours sincerely, White House Barby, Wash Auntie Edith replies, Dear White House Barby of Wash, ....Sorry it has taken me so long to get to your letter. I hope that in the eight years since you sent it to me, your burdens have eased. It can be hard dealing with these sorts of problems. They are both difficult to resolve. So far as your son is concerned, make sure he continues to take the prescribed amphetamines (and, if you are feeling a bit low, you might consider dropping a few yourself) and get him knitting. Gettting a grip on the membrum virilus is going to be much more difficult if his hands are full and the possiblility of needle wounds to the groinal area is always a disincentive. If erections are a problem, simply make use of erect penis as a wool spike; this is both utilitarian and -- I am told -- very pleasant. The fishy smell will easily wash out of the finished jumper. ....Unfortunately, your other problem is more difficult to solve. Politics is often a |
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.... | . | freedom to check out that belief that the grass really is greener on the far side of the hill, sea or world. It is your eternal optimism that keeps you look- ing. The fact that the other freedom you enjoy most is the freedom to stuff your face probably means you are a lard ball. Your liberal attitudes and your highly developed social skills make you a friend to many. But, you'll notice that none of us try to stop you when the travel bug bites. ADVICE FOR THE FUTURE: Air Miles; 'expansion' is not necessarily a physical quality. SACRED APPLIANCE: Anything in another country YOUR KEY PHRASE: I see. Capricorn is thepushy sign. It is all sharp elbows and bony knees. These are the dry as dust, calculating, ambit- ious buggers we all detest. There is so much to dislike about Capricorns, it is difficult to know where to start. Extremely hard working, if it wasn't for people like them you would not have been pass- ed over for that last promotion. On the other hand where would we be with- out accountants and lawyers? It is the sign of the professional, of the social and ecomonic leader. One of the most Dickensian of star signs, Capri- corns are decision-makers, organ- isers and misers. It is this last quality that makes Capricorns so successful in life. They are mean and dispass- ionate, cold and uncaring, pragmat- ists and control freaks. They wear grey or pin-striped clothing -- their astrological colours -- and wear a carnation -- their astrological ersatrz milk product -- in their buttonholes. They are leaders and not followers and their chosen exercsie is climb- ing -- both social and rock. Capri- corns make good soldiers; their lack of humanity,lack of feeling and totally disinterested attitudes are regarded as virtues in the army. Else- where most of us do our best to avoid such boring, uninspiring and cold people. Which is okay with most of them because they are focused on getting ahead, acquiring power, getting some status and getting a lot of money and keeping it. But, as we said, where would we be without accountants and lawyers. ADVICE FOR THE FUTURE: Try not to be Mr Burns; remember Uriah Heap, what a band. SACRED APPLIANCE:Other peoples'. YOUR KEY PHRASE: I utilise. Aquarius, despite itsobvious aquatic associations, has little to do with water and is actually one of the least wet signs. Often original thinkers, Aquarius is the sign of the inventor, the story-teller and the liar. The inclination of Aquarians is always towards modification, Indeed, they just can't leave things alone. This is both a vice and a virtue. Modif- ication comes whether whatever it is needs modifying or not. Although Aquarians have insightful and origin- al minds, they make poor artists being unable to finish anything. As painters they overpaint and writers they underwrite. Best to stick to the TOP OF COLUMN |
.... | . | substitute for and distraction from mastrubation. Could it be that your son's disorder is genetic rather than merely genital? In the good old days, when a child could not get a grip on not getting a grip, politics or a career in the clergy were often the only answers. These days we know that there are far too many wankers in politics already. The world does not need more politicians but it will always need knitwear. ....Next! Dear Auntie Edith, ................I have a sexual problem and no one to confide in. I am a devoted knitter and have been a reader of your column for many years. On your advice some years ago I started knitting my own under- wear. Since then my sex life has dried up completely and I have developed a rash on my upper thighs. What can I do to revitalise my sex life? Yours sincerely, Crutchless, Croydon Auntie Edith replies, Dear Crutchless of Croydon, ....The only time I can remember sugg- esting knitting your own underwear was in an article in Forum magazine about alternative contraception. Could it be that you got hold of the wrong end of the stick . If so, that might explain much of your problem. One cannot hold a stick and the other 'icky' thing at the same time. Try wearing conventional under- wear but do write in for my free pamplet on knitting your own condoms. ....Next! Dear Auntie Edith, ...............What is the meaning of life? Yours sincerely, Bishop Rick, Canterbury Auntie Edith replies, Dear Bishop Rick of Canterbury, ....The Meaning of Life is a well-known Monty Python movie. On a more meta- physical level, however, it is also a Monty Python movie. The movie is an allegory for life itself, illustrating once and for all that life has no meaning whatsoever unless one is rolling around laughing (or doing a bit of knitting.) Although there is much value in laugh- ter, it is transitory and soon passes leaving one empty and exhausted and without a jumper to slip on. Knitting, on the other hand, provides more substant- ial meaning through a constantly expanding knitwear wardrobe. It is, of course, friends that give life much of its meaning and everyone loves a knitter. Finally, who needs Monty Python when, for the price of the wool and a few hours of work, one can knit ones own alternat- ive comedy team. ....Next! Dear Auntie Edith, ...............What is a computer virus and is it possible for humans to catch things from machines? Yours sincerely, Bill Gates, Cal Auntie Edith replies, Dear Bill Gates of Cal, ....You will be relieved to hear that it is impossible for computer viruses to be contracted by humans. Computer viruses are known to affect only thinking mach- ines and the human being, as is well known, does not have capability. To all the poor lost souls out there whose problems I could not get to this time, I offer my apologies and the best advice I have -- keep on knitting. And, hopefully, when we meet again you will have tons of nice newcardies and pullovers and perhaps a bolero or two to show off. See you soon. PLAIN TEXT TOP OF PAGE |
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| . | THE AMAZING BOUNCING GINSBURGSxxby Quint |
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| PLAIN TEXT THE FINAL WORD AND THE FINAL WORD IS: MEDITATE If you think that this site is recommending that you smoke your heads off, you are wrong. This site deals with the subject of consciousness and, as such, recognises that one of the most accessible means of experiencing increased consciousness is through smoking cannabis. It is, however, the case that the most effective means of not only experiencing increased consciousness but also developing it on a permanent basis is through meditation. And that is the what this site is about -- meditation. If you would would like your life to be a better, good, great or even a wonderful experience, learn an effective meditation technique (we practise TM, which is awe-inspiring in its power, but there are many techniques that take you to that place beyond time and space where all things start.) When you have a technique, use it. Meditate once or twice a day every day for it is only through repetition that meditation works its subtle magic. Meditation leads inexorably towards all the things life should be about -- understanding, compassion, self-actualisation and bliss. Okay, so you are going to have to take my word for that. But do. Because it is true, Meditation is one of the great secrets of fulfilment in life. Indeed, it is the ultimate secret of life. And you can't get more final than an 'ultimate.' Oh, and while we are on the subject of lives, now can I have mine back, please? PLAIN TEXT TOP OF PAGE |
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CONTENTS | COFFEEHOUSE CULTURE HOME PAGE | SITE HOME PAGE GO TO ISSUE TWO PAGE: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 Questions, comments or criticisms to: Webmaster@coffeehouseculture.com The Coffeehouse Culture Site is produced by Cheapo Cheapo Productions on behalf of The Enlightenment Company Design: It Is But a Dream (Digital) Enterprises; Words: The Maya (Entertain You) Company Copyright © 1999/2000/2001/2002/2003 The Enlightenment Company THE ENLIGHTENMENT COMPANY IS A NON-PROFIT MAKING EDUCATIONAL TRUST DEVOTED TO PROMOTING INCREASED CONSCIOUSNESS |
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