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COLUMN: The Horrors Cope -- Aries, Taurus, Gemini, Cancer, Leo, Virgo, Libra,
Scorpio, Sagittarius, Capricorn, Aquarius, Pisces
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...
"Vision is the art of seeing the invisible."
.......................................................................................................................................Jonathan Swift
...
PLAIN TEXT
WE
MAY
HAVE
THE
HORRORS
BUT
WE CAN
COPE
'CAUSE
WE
HAVE . . .

The starship still cruises the heavens. High above like a David Bowie song
('Let's Dance',) the crew of the starship Enterandbedamned gaze down upon
this blue pearl set in a velvet cushion of darkness and snigger knowingly. It is
alright for them. They are dancing with the asteroids and sitting with the satellites.
While we, antlike but totally disorganised, try to cope with life. As the great ship
plummmets upward in search of the outer reaches of the universe, we can only wonder
what they have to tell us about the past, the present and the future. While they scan the
heavens, we scan the fridge. While they play with the Gods, we spend our time searching
for clean socks. While they monitor and plot the present and the future, we just try to
get laid. What hope is there for us? What we need is something to help us cope with
the rigours of life. Enter The Horrors Cope and our divine dominatrix with her visions
of your future. Yes, she has been flogging the stars to get them to give up their secrets.
And now she tells all . . . .

.
Oh dear, how thorough-
ly misjudged you are,
you Arians. It is not
without some mean-
ing that your sign is
that of the ram. Hardly
a sacred animal, the
ram is known for its hard head and
excessive attitudes. Excessive sex,
excessive eating, excessive banging
its head against things. And that is your
problem -- excessive. Moderation is not
something you possess. You have a
big, sometimes overwhelming, person-
ality and a high energy (or is that
\stress?) approach to conversation,
which you tend to dominate if not take
it over. Believe me, those assertive-
ness classes are a waste of money;
any more assertive and you'd be des-
potic. You speak loudly and gesture
wildly; you are an expected gentle
breeze that turns out to be a bloody
tornado; you are totally out of control
but only you don't realise it. Your lack
of moderation is usually interpreted
as a positive quality that is respons-
ible for your hands on, let's-make-
things-happen attitude. That, however,
is not the case. It is your lack of moder-
ation that makes you jump before you
have heard even half the story. Care-
fully considered
action is some-
thing you would
never recognise.
This causes you
many problems.
Not least that
people tend to
think you are
bonkers. However, that doesn't bother
you because, unfortunately, your lack
of moderation is bolstered by an
extremely arrogant approach to life.
ADVICE FOR THE FUTURE: Shut up
and give other people a chance to
speak; think before you act; hard though
it may be, try to enjoy what you are; if
... .
thinker and very creative, everything
you do is filtered through the tissues
of your ego and emerges with its
essence removed. Like the lord of the
jungle you arrogantly stride through
the forests of life growling at anyone
who does not acknowledge your sup-
remacy. But we all know that is
because in your heart of hearts, you
realise that the Lion in the Wizard of
Oz was for real. But it's okay, we won't
tell anyone. Meanwhile you can
swagger through life, strutting your
pride thingy. But what is it that comes
before a fall -- apart from a nice
summer? That is right, it is pride.
Your downfall and
our despair. If ever
there was an
unworthy quality
pride must be it. It
is based on
nothing good, has
no social value
and can be a real
pain in the ass. But leonine you is not
going to let an ass get in the way. You
thumb your nose at donkeys.
ADVICE FOR THE FUTURE: The
world may be your playground but
you do not own the swings; by the
law of averages, everyone else can-
not be wrong; it is not incumbent on
you to try to live other people's lives.
SACRED APPLIANCE: Television.
YOUR KEY PHRASE: I create.


The sacred virgins of
ancient temples, live
on in your star sign,
but your cherry has
long since been
popped for, dear
Virgo, you are far too
sagacious and wise to stay intacto
forever. Although your sign harks
back to the ancient rituals -- sexual
and otherwise -- that excite the mind-
... .
lying, I would say. One thing Aquarians
are not is warm and friendly; cold and
distant is more like it. Although they
would like to be friendly, there is some-
thing that stops them. Of all the signs,
they are among the most self-
contained. But they do have a nasty
cruel streak that can leave their friends
and lovers slightly scarred. Like many
of the signs, Aquarius stands in stark
contrast to the sign that precedes it.
Unlike Caps, Aquarians are certainly
not straight and boring. Indeed, some
of the world's great eccentrics, weirdos,
space cadets and nutters were
Aquarians.
ADVICE FOR THE FUTURE: Don't
touch; you CAN let other people into
'your space'; get a mobile phone so
people will think you are talking to
someone else when you are talking to
yourself; wearing live animals really is
strange.
SACRED APPLIANCE:Anything broken.
YOUR KEY PHRASE: I know.


There is nothing fishy
in the fact that one of
the wettest signs is
Pisces. It is another of
the priest/priestess
signs. Dreamers,
idealists, visionaries,
bullshitters, they have a strong orient-
ation towards the subtle aspects of life.
Lost in the ethereal planes where life
and all its events
become mere
ciphers for
more arcane
forms of cos-
mic express-
ion, Pisces
people are
often into div-
ination or making it up as you go along,
as most people call it. They can, there-
fore, be deemed to be full of crap and
. possible change your star sign to
something offering more hope.
SACRED APPLIANCE: Feather duster.
YOUR KEY PHRASE: I am.


Taurus is one of my
favourite signs, maybe
because with their bull
necks and fat ears they
make almost everyone
else feel attractive. Of
course, it could be their
bull-like genitalia if they had bull-like
genitalia. But, unfortunately, in my exper-
ience . . . . Despite that. you gotta love a
sign that has as its mineral, topsoil. I
mean, sod me, but isn't that an insult or
some- thing? It is, however, perfectly
compatible with the ecological bent
many Taurans possess. Taurans are,
at least, stable, solid and reliable. They
make excellent husbands (apart from
the pizzle problem) because they are
... . body connection which exists spont-
aneously within
you, you are
also the sign of
the future. Your
sacred mineral
is silicon.
Your sacred
fabric is poly-
ester. Your
sacred liquid
is Red Bull.
The shiny suit, the laptop and all that caffeine make a major contribution to
your role as a mentor, counsellor and
teacher. Like the vestal virgins of old,
your middle name is 'service' and
you believe in being helpful and co-
operative. You are, however, not
without some negative qualities --
you can be over analytical, over
critical and somewhat slothful.
Indeed, it is a shame you such lazy
buggers. Sloths are never appealing
... . hardly worth bothering with. They are
the astrologers, the chicken entrail
readers, the seers and far-sighted. At
least, that is what it says in my book. It
is, however, the case that Pisceans are
often more motivated by fantasy than
reality and maybe that accounts for
their belief in their own psychic powers.
They are, of course, the only ones who
think they are psychic; the rest of us
just think they are weird. It is said that
they can bring clarity to a situation but
only if you work with them and then the
clarity would seem to be somewhat
clouded by their indolent and self-
opinionated attitudes. Still at least you
can have sympathy for them, they have
plenty of compassion to spare for you.
ADVICE FOR THE FUTURE: Get a real
job; there is such a thing as coincid-
ence; the cards do lie.
SACRED APPLIANCE: Anti-static cloth.
YOUR KEY PHRASE: I believe.
PLAIN TEXT • TOP OF PAGE
. so acquisitive. However, one of their
acquisitions could be a mistress
because they think they have bigger
dicks than they actually have. Hopefully
their singular unattractiveness will be
a barrier between them and infidelity. It
is, however, money that they really love.
Greed is their middle name and the
music that pleases most their ears is
the chink of coin upon coin.
ADVICE FOR THE FUTURE: No china
shops, okay?; no bullshit, okay?; if
insulted turn the udder cheek; money
can't buy you happiness but who needs
happiness if you have an 18 year old
mistress.
SACRED APPLIANCE: Calculator.
YOUR KEY PHRASE: I have.


Okay, I want all you
Geminis to form two
lines. And we'll have no
talking there. I know
you are all going to find
that hard, you affable,
communicative and
thoroughly intrusive crowd of now-you-
see-me-now-you-don't freaks. Oh, you
are all so agreeable but that is only
because you can accommodate two
completely different sets of values. Ever
heard of schizophrenia? But credit
where credit is due, you are intelligent
and versatile and good conversation-
alists. It is just that you are so unbeliev-
ably nice that makes us all detest
Geminis so much. That and the fact
that you are often so deceptive. Some
people have one hand behind their
backs but you have a whole person.
And it is not always
the case that one
side of your sever-
ely disfunctional
personality knows
what the other side
is saying and
doing. Conven-
ient, huh? But, like
your mineral,
mercury, you flow
in the direction of
the incline and can change direction
instantly. So obviously you cannot be
relied upon for anything.
ADVICE FOR THE FUTURE: You can-
not look in both directions at the same
time; one of you is enough for most
people; schizophrenia is a mental ill-
ness not a gift from God.
SACRED APPLIANCE: Polygraph
machine.
YOUR KEY PHRASE: I think.


All Cancerians have a
bit of a gender prob-
lem. It is all that wishy
washy moon stuff.
Maybe that is why you
are one of the only two
signs in the zodiac that
does not share its ruling planet with
others. Despite the watery influence of
the moon, Cancerians manage to
compensate by having egos like barr-
age balloons and being as loud mouth-
ed and obnoxious as they possibly can.
Good on yer Cancer, go with those
instincts (however wrong they might
be,) play that emotional orchestra that
distinguishes you from all other signs
and breathe deeply of your chosen
perfume, Scent of Cleavage. Although
all you male Cancerians might think
you can mother us wymyn, don't bother
big boy, you are out of your class.
Remember we are the ones with the
... . and do not breed in captivitiy but you
are the virgin, so presumably you do
not breed anywhere. Although you
are in the service of something or
other, and even you probably don't
know what, you have an admiration
for mavericks and others who poss-
ess the courage to break out of the
compound.
ADVICE FOR THE FUTURE: Keep
your hand on your ha'penny; service
is not included.
SACRED APPLIANCE: Computer.
YOUR KEY PHRASE: I analyse.


If Virgo is the sign of
the temple virgins,
Libra is that of the
prostitutes. Yes,
Libra, you are the
sluttiest sign in the
zodiac. It is not so
surprising that your knickers are so
often round your ankles as your
ruling planet is Venus, the lurve
planet. You have a high appreciation
of art and beauty but your whole life
is concentrated around the genito-
urinrary tract and that makes you
something of a piss artist. Of all the
signs you are the one that most
favours affiliations and relationships
and, indeed, you do attract love. Of
all the signs, you are the most inter-
active, interpersonal and depress-
ingly clingy. But the fact that your really
special skill lies in the relation-
ship field could make you the
ideal partner for the right person. The
fact that you are a thinking person
with a good mind and have a well
balanced set of attitudes, is just another reason for most other signs
to dislike you intensely. The trouble is
that like so many of the better signs,
you are overwhelmed by your ego.
The very high regard you have for
yourself is way out of proportion and
although your natural diplomacy
would not bring the word to your
mind, vanity is a keynote quality in the
Libran character. Vanity, however, is
a fragile quality and needs to be con-
stantly fed by casual and meaning-
less sex.
ADVICE FOR THE FUTURE: Of
course, we'll respect you in the morn-
ing; screaming out your own name
during orgasm is very unbecoming;
no, your bum doesn't look fat in that;
open relationships work for you
SACRED APPLIANCE: Condom.
YOUR KEY PHRASE: I balance.


Scorpios get a lot of
bad press. It must
be because they are
so creepy. And leth-
al. The one and only
sign to be ruled by
Mickey Mouse's dog,
Scorpio is an intense and focused
sign that enjoys exploring the esoter-
ic. With a strong interest in secret
things, in the hidden powers and in
breaking down the taboos that exist
in society, Scorpio is the sign of the
magician and witch. And the pervert.
Ever seeking
insight but
always in the
wrong places,
Scorpio is an
explorer of the
underworld. Or
is that underwear? But it is not as
benign as that. The fact that Scorp-
... .
PLAIN TEXT

In knitting the fabric of
our lives, we all drop the
occasional stitch. Whether
your life is plain or purl,
chainstitched or appliqued,
Auntie Edith, our agony aunt
and knitting consultant,
is here to help.

In these troubled times, there are few
arbours of peace and tranquility. In
this hurly burly life, in all this
hectic and even frantic activity,
beyond all the pressures and worries,
we all need somewhere to sit quietly
reflect on life. But just sitting and
reflecting is such a waste of time.
Idle hands, as we all know, make
mischief. That is why we are on the
brink of war, why the world is
crumbling, why we all live in fear. It
is because our world leaders have
idle hands. If only they would learn
to knit. Perhaps if that handsome
and charming Mr Bush -- isn't it nice
to have such a James Bond figure at
the head of a major country? -- were
to learn to make use of his knitting
needles he would be able to knit a
nice new foreign policy. And what
about Tony Blah. There's another
one with time on his hands but with
a limited wardrobe of knitwear.
Instead of making war on oil
rich Middle Eastern countries, he
could be knitting a nice new reputat-
ion for his wife and perhaps some-
thing for the baby as well.
....But, if you feel as strongly about
world politics and knitting as do I,
you cannot just sit back and let our
leaders wear shop-bought knitwear.
Now is the time to take up the
needles, to dig out that pattern, to
buy up the wool and knit. Knit like
you have never knitted before. Knit
for Peace. Knit for World Peace. And
the worst that can happen is that
you will end up with a nice pullover
or cardigan to keep you warm when
the central heating goes off after the
nuclear holocaust.
....If we cannot get world leaders to
pick up the needles for themsleves,
maybe it is time for us knitters, for
the almost silent majority (except for
the clicking) to make a bit more
noise. Plans are already under way
for massed protest knit-ins outside
the British Houses of Parliament, the
US White House and the CNN build-
ing in New York. Meanwhile outside
the UN building a team of crack
knitters, including that nice Koffie
Annan, will be producing the longest
scarf in the world. Stretching almost
14 times around the earth, this scarf
will be our inspirational peace
offering to the Middle East. As each
Middle Eastern citizen wraps his
statuatory two and half feet of scarf
around his or her neck, we will be
sending them a very clear message

. breasts and you are the ones with
the interest. Despite that deep in the
core of the family unit, somewhere,
there is a Cancerian heart beating.
While they might be
reflections of the
Goddess of the
Night Sky, Cancer-
ians are not all soft|
and cuddly. Far from
it. They have a chall-
enging attitude that
can easily -- on a swing of emotion --
turn to abusiveness. Cancerians
should be careful who they marry. Their
intellectual capabilities demand a
partner who is not a vegetable but their
stay home attitudes suggestthat legs
are superfluous in the Cancerian
relationship. Maybe that is why they
hang-in there with their crablike claws
locked tenaciously around the sorry
mess they call their lives.
ADVICE FOR THE FUTURE: Holidays
can be nice, try one; 82% of cancerian
marrages break up at home.
SACRED APPLIANCE: All.
YOUR KEY PHRASE: I feel.



Leo, ruled by the sun,
dominates the sky. But
it is only your sky, sun-
shine. The rest of us
can see you for the
domineering, ego-
manic, self-opinion-
ated and heavy-handed control freak
you are. There is nothing wishy washy
about you, is there? You are one of the
most self-aware signs of the zodiac but
it is just that giant ego making its pres-
ence felt again. Although you can be an
original
 TOP OF COLUMN

... . ios have a wrathful attitude to life
and enjoy the odd demolition derby
make it frighteningly obvious that
Scorpios are pretty bad news. All
this is even more terrifying when
one considers that their sacred
mineral is plutonium. Transform-
ation is one of the keynote qualities
of Scorpio and radiation sickness
certainly provokes transformation.
Thankfully, however, most Scorpios
have the insight to realise that mass
destruction is going to get them, too.
ADVICE FOR THE FUTURE: Try to
make sure there is one; 'the Spawn
f Beelzebub' is only a phrase.
SACRED APPLIANCE: Fire extinguisher.
YOUR KEY PHRASE: I desire.



Much beloved by
airline companies,
Sagittarians are the
astrological fidgits
who cannot stay in
one place for longer
than it takes to go,
wipe and wash. They are the Philius
Foggs of modern society, hurtling
around the world in 80 hours. Inter-
nationalists, world travellers, back-
packers,lost people, tramps and
those who cannot afford to use
public transport, all these are arche-
typical Sagittarians. It is not so much
that they are
restless, it is
more that their
sign is one of
the most expan-
sive. For them
there have never
been borders.
There are no fences, no boundaries,
no paths to follow. There is only free-
dom, complete and utter freedom. The
... . -- knit or else. And, of course, if they
are knitting they have no hands free
to fire those missiles. The result --
peace in the Middle East.
....It is a cunning plan but it just
might work.
....But now we must leave world con-
cerns and deal with some more
personal ones. Oh dear, due to my
excessive ranting, there doesn't seem
much space left. Just four problems
this issue, I am afraid.

Dear Auntie Edith,
................I am burdoned with a
hyperactive son with an excessive
masturbation syndrome and a
husband who is a complete and utter
politician. How can I cure my loved
ones of these unacceptable habits?
Yours sincerely,
White House Barby, Wash
Auntie Edith replies,
Dear White House Barby of Wash,
....Sorry it has taken me so long to get to
your letter. I hope that in the eight years
since you sent it to me, your burdens
have eased. It can be hard dealing with
these sorts of problems. They are both
difficult to resolve. So far as your son is
concerned, make sure he continues to
take the prescribed amphetamines (and,
if you are feeling a bit low, you might
consider dropping a few yourself) and
get him knitting. Gettting a grip on the
membrum virilus is going to be much
more difficult if his hands are full and
the possiblility of needle wounds to the
groinal area is always a disincentive. If
erections are a problem, simply make
use of erect penis as a wool spike; this
is both utilitarian and -- I am told -- very
pleasant. The fishy smell will easily
wash out of the finished jumper.
....Unfortunately, your other problem is
more difficult to solve. Politics is often a
THE
CREDITS
A
SPECIAL SERVICE
TO THE CIA

PUBLISHER & WEBMASTER:
....................................... David Russell

COMMISSIONING EDITOR:
Metaphysical Editor
..Sandy Hughes

CONTRIBUTING EDITORS:
Cannabisiness
.........Augustus Wynd
Astro-Metaphysics
... Sandy Hughes
Inner Light
......................... Mr Bliss

YOP ASSISTANT EDITOR:
(Temporary)
............ Hangware Lam
(
anything for a holiday in Amsterdam)

NAMED CONTRIBUTORS:
Inner Light
......................... Mr Bliss
Astrology
....................Sandy Hughes
House Sadhu
........... G. van Mukhti
Cartoonist .............................. Quint

GRAPHIC DESIGN:
............. It Is But a Dream (Digital)
........ ............. ............. ...... Enterprises

INSPIRATIONAL SUPPORT:
............. Sandy Hughes; Baba Chris;
Harry, John and Api at Katsu; Nemo;
Paul Resnick; Hank and Cher; Don
Gamble; Alan Dronkers; Eagle Bill;
June Cox; Kim Chandler; Alisdair
Sutherland; Jim & Karen; Luc Sala;
Laura; George Douvis & family

CHOREOGRAPHY:
...... Johnny Jump & the Updowners

NEURAL CATERING:
............. Katsu; the Bluebird; Noon;
Trepunt (Balistraat); Yamama

FEATURED NEUROPEPTIDES:
............. Serotonin; the Endorphin Group; Anandamide; Dopamine

FEATURED 'OLOGIES':
............. Psychology; Astrology; Cam-
panology; Ecology; Apology; Ontol-ogy; Gynaecology

FEATURED APPLIANCES:.
.........
Macintosh G4 computer; Elect-
ric kettle; Bud grinder; Sound
system.

POSITIVE INSPIRATIONS:
............. Amsterdam; TM; the UK (for
once
); Hank & Cher; Ruigoord; the
Cannabis Cup; the Simpsons.

NEGATIVE INSPIRATIONS:
......... the French; George Bush; that
old black magic.

ENERGISING INFLUENCES:
............ Caffeine; TM (again); Guilt

BACKGROUND VIBE:
............. The Smokers of Amsterdam
This issue comes to you
courtesy of the Beach Boys,
Donovan, Bob Marley, the Band,
Bruce Springsteen, the Rolling
Stones, Paul Simon, Bob Dylan,
the Who, Van Morrison, David
Bowie, the Doors, Lou Reed,
Jimmy Reed, Blind Blake, Big Joe
Williams, John Lee Hooker,
Robert Johnson, the music of
Gandhava Ved and Ravi Shankar.
Also contributing: caffeine in
large quantities, blueberry and
power plant, also in large
quantities, and, of course,
the buzz of Amsterdam
TOP OF PAGE
.... . freedom to check out that belief that
the grass really is greener on the far
side of the hill, sea or world. It is your
eternal optimism that keeps you look-
ing. The fact that the other freedom you
enjoy most is the freedom to stuff your
face probably means you are a lard
ball. Your liberal attitudes and your
highly developed social skills make
you a friend to many. But, you'll notice
that none of us try to stop you when
the travel bug bites.
ADVICE FOR THE FUTURE: Air Miles;
'expansion' is not necessarily a
physical quality.
SACRED APPLIANCE: Anything in
another country
YOUR KEY PHRASE: I see.


Capricorn is the
pushy sign. It is all
sharp elbows and
bony knees. These
are the dry as dust,
calculating, ambit-
ious buggers we all
detest. There is so much to dislike
about Capricorns, it is difficult to
know where to start. Extremely hard
working, if it wasn't for people like
them you would not have been pass-
ed over for that last promotion. On the
other hand where would we be with-
out accountants and lawyers? It is the
sign of the professional, of the social
and ecomonic leader. One of the
most Dickensian of star signs, Capri-
corns are decision-makers, organ-
isers and misers. It is this last quality
that makes Capricorns so successful
in life. They are mean and dispass-
ionate, cold and uncaring, pragmat-
ists and control freaks. They wear
grey or pin-striped clothing -- their
astrological colours -- and wear a
carnation -- their astrological ersatrz
milk product -- in their buttonholes.
They are leaders and not followers
and their chosen exercsie is climb-
ing -- both social and rock. Capri-
corns make good soldiers; their lack
of humanity,
lack of feeling
and totally
disinterested
attitudes are
regarded as
virtues in the
army. Else-
where most of us do our best to avoid
such boring, uninspiring and cold
people. Which is okay with most of
them because they are focused on
getting ahead, acquiring power,
getting some status and getting a
lot of money and keeping it. But, as
we said, where would we be without
accountants and lawyers.
ADVICE FOR THE FUTURE: Try not to
be Mr Burns; remember Uriah Heap,
what a band.
SACRED APPLIANCE:Other peoples'.
YOUR KEY PHRASE: I utilise.



Aquarius, despite its
obvious aquatic
associations, has
little to do with water
and is actually one
of the least wet
signs. Often original
thinkers, Aquarius is the sign of the
inventor, the story-teller and the liar.
The inclination of Aquarians is
always towards modification, Indeed,
they just can't leave things alone.
This is both a vice and a virtue. Modif-
ication comes whether whatever it is
needs modifying or not. Although
Aquarians have insightful and origin-
al minds, they make poor artists
being unable to finish anything. As
painters they overpaint and writers
they underwrite. Best to stick to the


TOP OF COLUMN
.... . substitute for and distraction from
mastrubation. Could it be that your son's
disorder is genetic rather than merely
genital? In the good old days, when a
child could not get a grip on not getting a
grip, politics or a career in the clergy
were often the only answers. These days
we know that there are far too many
wankers in politics already. The world
does not need more politicians but it will
always need knitwear.
....Next!

Dear Auntie Edith,
................I have a sexual problem
and no one to confide in. I am a
devoted knitter and have been a
reader of your column for many
years. On your advice some years
ago I started knitting my own under-
wear. Since then my sex life has
dried up completely and I have
developed a rash on my upper
thighs. What can I do to revitalise
my sex life?
Yours sincerely,
Crutchless, Croydon
Auntie Edith replies,
Dear Crutchless of Croydon,
....The only time I can remember sugg-
esting knitting your own underwear was
in an article in Forum magazine about
alternative contraception. Could it be
that you got hold of the wrong end of the
stick . If so, that might explain much of
your problem. One cannot hold a stick
and the other 'icky' thing at the same
time. Try wearing conventional under-
wear but do write in for my free pamplet
on knitting your own condoms.
....Next!

Dear Auntie Edith,
...............What is the meaning of life?
Yours sincerely,
Bishop Rick, Canterbury
Auntie Edith replies,
Dear Bishop Rick of Canterbury,
....The Meaning of Life is a well-known
Monty Python movie. On a more meta-
physical level, however, it is also a
Monty Python movie. The movie is an
allegory for life itself, illustrating once
and for all that life has no meaning
whatsoever unless one is rolling around
laughing (or doing a bit of knitting.)
Although there is much value in laugh-
ter, it is transitory and soon passes
leaving one empty and exhausted and
without a jumper to slip on. Knitting, on
the other hand, provides more substant-
ial meaning through a constantly
expanding knitwear wardrobe. It is, of
course, friends that give life much of its
meaning and everyone loves a knitter.
Finally, who needs Monty Python when,
for the price of the wool and a few hours
of work, one can knit ones own alternat-
ive comedy team.
....Next!

Dear Auntie Edith,
...............What is a computer virus
and is it possible for humans to catch
things from machines?

Yours sincerely,
Bill Gates, Cal
Auntie Edith replies,
Dear Bill Gates of Cal,
....You will be relieved to hear that it is
impossible for computer viruses to be
contracted by humans. Computer viruses
are known to affect only thinking mach-
ines and the human being, as is well
known, does not have capability.

To all the poor lost souls out there
whose problems I could not get to this
time, I offer my apologies and the
best advice I have -- keep on knitting.
And, hopefully, when we meet again
you will have tons of nice newcardies
and pullovers and perhaps a bolero
or two to show off. See you soon.
PLAIN TEXTTOP OF PAGE
...
. THE AMAZING BOUNCING GINSBURGSxxby Quint
,TOP OF PAGE
PLAIN TEXT
THE VERY LAST TRAILER
IN THE NEXT CHILLING ISSUE
MORE CRAP • MORE CONFUSION • MORE COUGHING
All the stuff we promised for this issue but couldn't
get together and much, much more
THE MESSIAH, THE MISSION
& THE MASONS

Taking the mystery out of history, we will be leading issue three with the launch of
two (yes, two) major new series especially designed to blow you away. Dealing
with the secret histories of institutions that have been instrumental in fabricating
the world as we know it, these multi-part features will strike at the very heart of our
understanding of truth. As we take history and strip away the misunderstanding,
the confusion and the lies, your vision of the past will be recast into a new form.
Taking accepted history and illuminating it with the light of truth, you will see the
past revealed as never before.


THE COVENANT CONSPIRACY

The Tree of Knowledge often bears a sour fruit. Knowledge and understanding work both ways
-- they give and they take away. As knowledge and understanding increase, the true nature of accept-
ed facts is revealed. And, in the light of new knowledge, accepted beliefs are often seen as mistakes of
the intellect or worse. Thus has it been with Christianity. It is, perhaps, harsh to call Christianity -- or,
more particularly, Catholicism -- a conspiracy but that is what it was. To further its own ends, in one
of the most outrageous and cynically manipulative campaigns the world has ever seen, the Catholic
Church simply rewrote history. But, as our knowledge of ancient civilisations has increased, the lies,
fairy tales, mistranslations and Machiavellian machinations of the Catholic Church have been reveal-
ed. Nothing is as we understand it. Little of what the Church has told us is real. There is only a kernal
of truth in history as we understand it. However, taking that kernal of truth, through multi-disciplin-
ary study we can extrapolate it into something more cineramic.
....The Covenant Consiracy is about what came before the Catholic Church. It is about the real
Christianity, the real Christ, the real facts and events that shaped world history. If you have ever
wondered exactly who and what Jesus Christ was, this series will tell you. Mystical being or real man.
Messiah or king. Saviour or sorceror. Triumvirate or terrorist. Carpenter or a member of 10 cc.
What was the real Jesus Christ, what was his message and what was his meaning in the history of
the world. In The Covenant Conspiracy we will be revealing all. Applying over 40 years of intensive
research into the 'truth of Christianity,' we will be bringing you totally new knowledge that pulls
together the strings of time and ties them into something that we can all recognise as being true.

RUNNING PARALLEL TO THE COVENANT CONSPIRACY
APRON AND TROWEL -- ET IN ARCADIA EGO

The other side of the story. If the Catholic Church had the lies and the deceit, who had the truth?
Or did it simply disappear, buried in the elaborate fabrications of corrupt institutions? In fact, the
truth did live on -- as the central ethos and powerbase of the Knights Templar. One of the most
influential, pervasive and, perhaps, sinister organisations the world has ever seen, the Templars and
their modern descendants, the Freemasons, built its own powerbase on a knowledge of the truth of
Christianity that exceeded even the Church's. But, like the Church, it had its own agenda, its own
ambitions for world domination, its own secret paths and byways. Playing with world consciousness
like a yo-yo, the Templars used their esoteric knowledge in the furtherance of science and society but
at the same time created a web of deceit, information and disinformation, lies and suggestion that
formed some of the most enduring myths of modern society. Without the Templars, the myth and
legends of the chivalric age -- of brave and noble knights, of King Arthur and the magician, Merlin,
of the Fisher King and fair Parzival, of the Holy Grail and the blood of Christ -- would not exist. Nor,
indeed, would so many of society's finer qualities. For the chivalry of the Templars was not merely
about rescuing damsels in distress and maintaining order in a wayward and uncultured land. It was
also about art and culture, manners and ideas, social grace and courtly love. Yet, still, the Templars
remain a secret organisation that, even today, is still shrouded in secrecy but continues to manipulate
society from behind the scenes. Although the Knights Templar are said to have been wiped from the
face of Europe in 1366 by Phillipe la Bel, the central organisation merely went into hiding. In this
exhaustive survey of what the Templars and the Freemasons are about, we will reveal much new
knowledge. For the first time (possibly,) we will be revealing the secrets that the first Templars
discovered under the Temple of Solomon on Mount Sion, we will be tracing their acquisition of
knowledge, treasures and political power, their rise to dominate Europe and their downfall, their
secret knowledge and powers. And on the way we will be following Christ from ancient Israel to what
we think is his burial place in bonny Sco'land and tracing his bloodline down to modern times as we
reveal the secret organisation that is the final refuge of the teachings and treasures of the Templars.

Don't miss these disturbing but illuminating glimpses
into the real past as we take the lid off history
as we know it and give it a good stir.

• THE MAKING OF AMSTERDAM •

The Amsterdam phenomenon didn't just happen, you know? No fairy godmother with a
soft spot for dope smokers waved a magic wand over the city and gave it freedom, there was no
papal dispensation (or in the case of smoking, congressional dispensation), no one said 'go on,
give it a go and see what happens'. Yes, sure, there was the Dutch tradition of religious
tolerance but try to translate that -- naturally -- into the freedom to expand your own
consciousness and you don't get very far. No, the reinvention of Amsterdam as a Mecca for
smokers was a cunning plan perpetrated by freethinking tokers to make life bearable. And what
a courageous lot they were. In this major feature we talk to the men behind Amsterdam and get
them to tell us how it all happened.
• May the Circle be Unbroken •
When, in the 1890s almost the whole of the United States' recently pacified 'Indian Nation' started
to dance, the settlers ran for cover. Warfare was bad enough but this was worse -- it was weird. As
they chanted and danced themselves into exhaustion and sometimes death, the Ghost Dancers were
playing out a last desperate ritual. But it couldn't save them. The best they could do was run for
cover themselves and try to retain as much of their ancient culture as possible And that is what they did.
But the spirit of the Ghost Dancers lives on. Today, the leaders of the American Indian Nation are
starting to bring out aspects of their rich and colourful spiritual culture. In the first of an extended series
of articles exploring the spiritual world of the American Indian we will be considering the tragic and poignant
circumstances that led to the Ghost Dance.
FURTHER ON UP THE ROAD
Join us again, as we march further on up the road -- twice. Yes, with two more exciting episodes in
our detailed history of the alternative culture we go striding off into the bright but unknown future
that has been created by our forebearers, fivebearers and probably Goldilocks as well. Further on up
the road towards our past there is a party going on. But, uh oh, it's the Communist Party. And is not
wine or vodka that is flowing but blood -- blood from the cracked skulls of the American working
man. It was the first wave of a revolutionary storm that still rages (somewhat) today. While those
who had been disenfranchised from the American Dream by the Great Depression tried to overcome
the might and power of industry and Government, those in power were seeking ways to contain and
constrain the power of the people. Against a backdrop of insurrection, rabble rousing and near rebell-
ion, we trace the invidious and insidious machinations of Government as it creates the laws that
make the alternative culture truly alternative.
...Then along came the war. It looked like it might save the still economically ailing US of A. And,
economically, it did. But it also set in motion the major changes in attitude that would eventually
foster the alternative society. Fought for human rights and freedom, the Second World War made
everyone take a step back and look at their own freedoms and rights. The concept of 'us and them'
fostered in the war did not die when the fighting ended. For it was not just the people who were
checking out their freedoms, it was the politicians and Governments. But from different ends of the
spectrum. Fascism and communism had given definition to the concept of control, so Governments in
'the free world' had to be careful. Both sides had read 1984 by George Orwell and the battle lines
were in the process of being drawn. In the second part of issue three's instalments of our beat history,
we will be looking at the seeds of modern American governance. How did they manage to get into
the position in which they find themselves today? How did they get hog-tied by their own lies and
deceits? How did they get caught in this spiral of corruption, cynicism, duplicity and small-minded
bigotry? How did they manage to destroy the credibility of not only governments but of truth itself?
Join us as we mingle with the raddled and cynical control freaks who defined the post-war years. Let
us start by introducing you to some G-men and their boss, who likes to be called Mary.
.................And Along The Path . . . .

To Enlightenment. Join Mr Bliss for the last time -- in this series, anyway -- as he leads us to the very core of
Vedic spiritual practices --- meditation. The keystone in the arch of consciousness, the essence of the divine, the
temple of true worship, meditation is the greatest gift of the ancient Vedic Rishis. A powerful yet deceptively
simple technique, meditation is the key to a life of bliss, joy and fulfilment. Despite its simplicity, maybe because
its power is way out of proportion to its level of difficulty, meditation remains wreathed in misconceptions, misund-
erstanding and confusion. But here comes Bliss (in more ways than one) to bring some clarity to the situation. As
he takes you through the history and the techniques of meditation, Mr Bliss will be revealing the true nature of
the Rig Veda as a handbook for those on the path of developing consciousness.

ROLLING AND TUMBLING
THE GOOD TIMES HAD BEEN ROLLING ALONG IN THE UK
, BUT THEN THINGS CHANGED. FIRST
WE WERE ROLLING AND THEN WE WERE TUMBLING. TUMBLING INTO OBLIVION AND IT WAS
ALL THANKS TO THE AUTHORITIES. PROHIBITION, YOU KNOW, ALWAYS WORKS THE SAME WAY.
AND IN A MASSIVE CRACKDOWN ON DOPE COMING INTO THE UK FROM HOLLAND, THE UK CREATED
A PROBLEM THAT WAS FAR MORE DESTRUCTIVE THAN ANYTHING THEY HAD EVER IMAGINED. IN THE
DRY AS DUST DROUGHT THAT RESULTED FROM THE DOPE CRACKDOWN, MANY TURNED TO OTHER
SUBSTANCES TO ASSUAGE THEIR DESOLATION, ISOLATION AND URBAN ALIENATION. AND
SUDDENLY THE UK HAD A MAJOR SMACK PROBLEM. ALTHOUGH THE REAL FIGURES HAVE NEVER BEEN
PUBLISHED, OUR SPIES IN THE BRITISH HOME OFFICE, TELL US THAT SMACK ADDICTION
INCREASED SOMETHING LIKE 800% OVER THAT BAD, BAD YEAR. BUT, AS THE TUMBLING TURNED
TO TREMBLING, THE UK RECOGNISED WHAT WAS HAPPENING AND TRIED -- BUT QUIETLY -- TO
REVERSE THE SITUATION. IN THE MEANTIME, THE GRASS GROWERS DID THEIR BEST TO FILL THE
GAP. IN THE FINAL PART OF OUR EXAMINATION OF SMOKING HABITS IN THE UK, WE'LL BE TAKING A
LOOK AT MORE RECENT EVENTS AND THE EFFECTS THEY HAVE HAD ON UK ATTITUDES TO SMOKING.
BEWARE THE QUACKS OF DOOM

And to help you, we have some more of our A tro Z of alternative therapies. In issue three we'll be looking at four
more therapies that are hardly a spit away from witchcraft. We'll be starting with art therapy, whatever that is.
But the big guns will get to fire when we deal with the vast subject of indian ayurvedic medicine. There will also
be a lot to say about Bach Flower Therapy, a strange homeopathic hybrid that seems to work better than its
progenitor. And finally we will be taking a look at Bee Venom Therapy (probably very good for hives.) So join us
for a good laugh at expense of the desperately sick.

. FROM THE CANNABISNESS DEPARTMENT:
Cannabis Cupdate; Features we haven't thought of yet; News and other stuff.
FROM THE HEALTH DEPARTMENT: .......
Dancing with Dr. D; So healthy it'll make you sick; News and other stuff.
.... FROM THE INNER LIGHT DEPARTMENT:
The Profitable Prophet; More from our House Shivite; Crone's Corner & more.
FROM THE BACK PAGES DEPARTMENT: ....
Cunning Stunts; Zen & Xenophobia; Mr Filth's House of Sleaze; Astrobitch.
Adding a whole new dimension to the term 'schadenfreude'
.... ....
The regular crowd of deadbeats, wastrels,
down-and-outs, hangers-on and dubious characters
THE GIGGLING GOURMET

Gordon Green, our own
Grasstronome, is back in the
Coffeehouse Culture Kitchen and
cooking up a . . . . Oh dear, should
it be that evil green colour?
GREENFINGER

The Luther Burbank of grass
is back in the potting shed with
his helper, 18-year old Daphney.
And, he tells us, 'he's growing hard.'
But we are not quite sure what he
means.
DOKKER D'ATH

You've heard of the Grim Reaper?
Well, there was a time when the not
so good Dokker was known as the
Rim Creeper. You can form your
own conclusions.
THE COFFEEHOUSE CREEPER

Now travelling with his own version
of the Big Slipper, our dreary diarist
hangs out in some coffeeshops, smokes
lots of dope and has a good time -- all
for you.
THE
MIDNIGHT RAMBLER

Restraining Orders, writs and black
magic rituals permitting, the scourge
of Amsterdam, the man who wouldn't
recognise 'polite society' if it punched
him in the face, will be back.
THE
WYRRD WOMYN

With more words for the wise from
the skies, plus Crone's Corner and
other stuff, our own Wyrrd Womyn
will be back (hopefully in more
ways than one.)
AUNTIE EDITH
Knit, knit, knit
ASTROBITCH
Bitch, bitch, bitch
QUINT
Bounce, bounce bounce
Plus so much more we just don't have space to tell you about it.
PLAIN TEXT • TOP OF PAGE
...
PLAIN TEXT
There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, statistics and the . . . . There
are four kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, statistics and the . . . .
THE LEGAL STUFF
DISCLAIMER
Coffeehouse Culture does not advocate or encourage the use of drugs or any substances that
might impair the perfection of your machine. Therefore, it recommends that you stop
breathing and watch what you eat. Coffeehouse Culture is for entertainment purposes only
and professes no medical, psychological or therapeutic skills. Information and advice offered
in Coffeehouse Culture is provided for educational and/or amusement purposes only. A smug
and know-it-all attitude does not necessarily imply intelligence, knowledge or wisdom.
THREAT
Any material sent to Coffeehouse Culture will be considered for publication unless clearly
identified otherwise.
PROMISE
Illustrations used in Coffeehouse Culture are house-produced or are believed to be in the
public domain. Every effort is made to determine if copyright exists on material supplied by
contributors but this is not always possible. Coffeehouse Culture has no desire to
infringe restrictions on copyright material. If material that is copyright appears in Coffeehouse
Culture the copyright holder should inform Coffeehouse Culture immediately and the material
will be removed.
PLAIN TEXT • TOP OF PAGE
.........
PLAIN TEXT
THE FINAL WORD
AND THE FINAL WORD IS: MEDITATE
If you think that this site is recommending that you smoke your heads off, you are wrong. This
site deals with the subject of consciousness and, as such, recognises that one of the most accessible
means of experiencing increased consciousness is through smoking cannabis. It is, however, the case
that the most effective means of not only experiencing increased consciousness but also developing
it on a permanent basis is through meditation. And that is the what this site is about -- meditation.

If you would would like your life to be a better, good, great or even a wonderful experience, learn
an effective meditation technique (we practise TM, which is awe-inspiring in its power, but there
are many techniques that take you to that place beyond time and space where all things start.)
When you have a technique, use it. Meditate once or twice a day every day for it is only through
repetition that meditation works its subtle magic. Meditation leads inexorably towards
all the things life should be about -- understanding, compassion, self-actualisation and bliss.
Okay, so you are going to have to take my word for that. But do. Because it is true, Meditation is one
of the great secrets of fulfilment in life. Indeed, it is the ultimate secret of life. And you can't get
more final than an 'ultimate.'

Oh, and while we are on the subject of lives, now can I have mine back, please?
PLAIN TEXT • TOP OF PAGE


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